zente

Short Story

2006-07-18T09:24:00.000-07:00

This is a story from iamziyang.blogspot.com . I was inspired to continue writing it.Part II is available here
This song goes extremely well with the story so let it play as you read.

<男/guy>

在宽敞明亮的舞厅，他站在最不起眼，离喧闹最远的角落。其他的人都成双成对，尽情的跳舞，享受。他们的脸上戴着灿烂的笑容，而他脸上只有一片惆怅，眉头紧锁，与他人的欢腾成对比。

“这可是我大学的毕业舞会耶！我这么这样不快乐？”他自言自语。其实他比谁都明白，原因处于他和她。她在四年前走进他的世界。

大学第一天，他们俩就碰巧坐在一起。当时就被她的美，她的温柔，她的举止谈吐所吸引。遗憾的，这四年，他们只建立了深厚的友情。因为他的优柔寡断的个性，他从未对她表白。他只能默默的喜欢，偷偷的享受这份暧昧的友情。光阴似箭，四年就这么过了，留下了许多遗憾。

这时候，他在人群众找到了她。她依然那么美，简直像天上的星星般闪烁。美，是主观的。但他肯定，她的美，没有人会否定。她是那种沉鱼落雁，大家都觉得美的美。不知为什么，他的视线永远会锁定在她，就算在人海茫茫中，也能在一秒内找到她。

“如果我把这种超能力，改为在能100%看到马路上掉的钱，嘿！我这辈子就不必做工了，需要钱时只要上街晃晃就有收入了。” 他自我嘲笑。干笑几声后，又沉默了下来。阿Q精神其实一点也不好受。

回神后，魔术般的又看到了她。她正在和一位男生翩翩起舞，窃窃私语。突然她调皮地打男生的胸，脸上有7分忸怩，3分怒色，男生则幽默地笑了起来，一幅情侣打情骂俏的样子，他心里真不是滋味。

“靠得那么近！最好不小心踏到她的脚，让她痛得刮你一巴掌。”他酸溜溜的想到。“真好笑，我凭什么嫉妒？难道你和她一对? 简直一朵鲜花插在牛粪上。Wake up dude!”

越想越气馁，他索性离开这里到酒吧借酒消愁。管李白什么‘举杯消愁愁更愁’，喝到烂醉不是什么都不知道吗，愁从何谈起？亏李白你还是饮酒之人。

就在他踏出舞厅时，她刚巧从洗手间回来。老天就让他们在大厅的大门碰面。那霎那间，他有千言万语想对她说，但两方都默默无语。最后他开口了。

[你好！]

(嗯)

[今晚你真漂亮！一定有许多男生邀请你跳舞吧？哈哈]

她好像被他的问题愣住了，低下了头脸红着说，

(没有啦！你不要胡扯。)

[。。。]

（。。。）

她终于开口了。

（你要走了吗？）

[是啊，不好意思，有点事]

此时的他，多么不想走，多想和她在一起，多谈几句也心满意足了。但他还是狠下了心肠，长痛不如短痛。看她的表情时，他看到了失望吗？他不肯定。

[不用紧啦！我们回到新加坡还能时常见面的啦！不用太想我! ]

她又沉默不语，再次低下了头。他急得像热锅上的蚂蚁，不知识说错了什么。是不是玩笑开太大了？

（我拿到了奖学金，会到美国就读硕士班。读完后会在那儿定居，短期内应不会回新加坡。）

这时轮到他愣住了，简直晴天霹雳。这几句话，他的心彻底碎了。他从未想倒有这种结局。这意味着他们这段感情需画上句号。他十分后悔。为什么他没有对她表白！？一切太迟，太迟了。

“我爱你！你能为我而留下吗？”他心中喊到。但这句话永远只留在心里。她永远也听不到。

但他知道他不能，他没有权利这么做。他也不能这么自私。眼泪只能往肚子吞。假装笑了笑，用了他毕生的精力，说道：

[恭喜你! 可喜可贺]

（谢谢）

她微笑的说到。美妙的声音带伤感吗？他情绪已错乱，无暇思考。他在也忍受不了这种心如刀绞的感觉，必须在热泪还没有落下时逃走。他紧握着她的手，哽咽说道：

[保重，再见]

（你也是）

他转了身，快步地冲出舞厅。手掌还残着她的温暖。这是第一次也是最后一次感受到她的温暖，同时也说了不会再见的再见。在回首一看，她已消失在人海之中。这次，可能是因为热泪盈眶的关系，瞄也瞄不到她的身影。他哭了，真的哭了。

___________________________________________
<女/Girl>

It’s the graduation ball, and students were dressed in their finest for this event. The atmosphere was grand yet cordial. Couples were twirling on the dance floor while many other chatting away at the reception. Everyone wore a happy smile, except her. Its not as if she’s being shunned by the others. Quite the opposite. She was dressed to kill that night, a figure-hugging lowback evening gown. Elegant yet alluring. Everywhere she went drew attention like bees to honey. But she only have eyes for him.

“Where is he?” she thought to herself. “That idiot skipped the graduation ball?” The truth was, she was still angry at him for not asking her to partner him to the ball. “Still, its better then finding him with another girl in his arms.” She gumbled to herself. She always had a soft spot for him, as anyone in love.

He came into her life during the first day of their university. He charmed her off her feet with his wit, his charisma and personality. Granted, he was never the most handsome guy in the college. But he’s not like Frankenstein either. And she was never the bimbo to go for looks over brains. Their friendship blossomed, but they never transcend into anything more than friends. He didn’t ask to date her, and she didn’t want to ruin this precious friendship. So they continue this somewhat complicated relationship.

She had this feeling that he’s at the ball, looking at her from some obscure corner. Somehow, she always knew that he’s around. Chemistry, others call it. “That voyeur! I’ll make sure I find him and grill him till he’s dry.” She swore to herself and continued to scan the crowd.

“Hey, its impolite not to look at your partner when dancing you know” her partner suddenly commented.

“Shut up brother, not as if you’re not ogling at the ladies here. My gown is wet with your saliva already.” She feisty replied, sarcasm apparent.

“Ouch, touché. Someone is hot tonight” her brother remarked dryly. “Then why did you drag me here? When your mailbox is full of invitations from the male students? Don’t tell me you have er.. different sexual orientation?” He whispered in her ear and raised his eyebrow inquiring.

She punched his chest, hard enough to knock air out of his lungs. “Watch what you say little brother, or I’ll wash your mouth with concentrated NaOH.” Her brother just laughed heartily. Exasperated she gave up and excused herself to the washroom to regain her composure.

When she returned, this was when she saw him. He was at the doorway, seemingly prepared to leave. They stood rooted to the ground, there was so much she wanted to ask him but no words came out of her. She just stared at him, finally he broke the silence.

“Hi”

‘Hi’

“You look gorgeous tonight! I see a lot of nosebleed cases this evening, now I know why”

She blushed, it’s the first time he had say such things. She felt embarrassed, yet at the same time, she wanted to strangle him for not asking her for a dance. Making her yearn for him the whole night, as if she’s in heat. Heh.

‘Don’t tease me’ she said softly.

“…”

‘…’

The awkward silence lasted for a few minutes. She thought she could hear her own heartbeat. And as if the world only consisted of 2 of them.

‘Are you leaving already?’

Please don’t, she silently hoped. She waited so long to meet him. There was so much she wanted to ask him.

“Yes, sorry, I had something I need to attend to.” came his reply.

Is it because of the lighting when she thought she saw a shadow contort his face when he replied. She was crestfallen. Tears are starting to well up in her eyes.

“Nevermind, we can always meet up back in Singapore. Don’t be too sad.”

She lowered her and head and was silent. This was something that she never discussed with him. She couldn’t bear to break this news to him. Probably I’m the only one feeling this way, she thought. He will probably congratulate me with all his heart. After all we’re “friends”. She gathered all her courage and blurted out.

‘I received a scholarship to study my masters in the US. I’ll probably settle down over there once I graduate. So.. I don’t think I’ll be back in Singapore in the short term.’

It was the hardest thing she done in her life. Holding back her tears and not choking on the words. He seems stunned. Suddenly he wanted to say something but stopped. She waited, her heart tearing itself to pieces.

‘Please stop me and ask me to stay by your side’ she prayed. Of course, he’ll never hear as at this point, he smiled and held her hand tightly

“Congratulations!! Its wonderful!”

‘Thanks’ She choked out, overcome with emotions.

Again is it because of the lighting when she saw wetness shimmering in his eyes? Or those are tears of happiness for her?

“Take care and farewell.”

‘You too!”

He turned, walked away and never looked back. The last time she’ll see his retreating back. The last time she’ll feel his warmth. She knew deep down that she will never see him again. As it’s a farewell, not a goodbye.

She walked back into the ballroom, tears streaming down her cheeks, when she looked back at the entrance, she couldn’t make out his outline anymore. She broke down and cried.

Part II is available here
---------------------------------------------------------------

2006-06-01T21:46:00.000-07:00

It seems the world needs a constant reminder to the insignificance of their lifes. It serves no purpose to salvage the last few years or minutes before death. Your beliefs might bring you to self rightousness, but what makes you so sure of yourself as I am of myself. Before you make your next sentence, you have 2 minutes to think. And then you may attempt to spit the same insults again.

A five card spread

2006-05-30T00:39:00.000-07:00

I went o visit this boy called samuel today. And for some unknown reasons, I suggested doing a five card spread for him. I don't believe in fortune telling much as I don't believe in all superstition. There is something about this boy. Something about him that makes me feel uneasy. He feels so familiar, feels so distant and he somehow reminds me of myself. And to a certain extent, my brother.

The spread in order:

Affirmation. The hermit reversed.
Deception, lies, corruption, concealment and misguided ideals
It seems this boy's future isn't that wonderful. Poor soul.

Negation. The Wheel of fortune.
Destiny.Good luck. Fortune. Success. Unexpected turn of events. The position of the card spells bad omen once again.

Explanation: Magician.
The strength of will. Intuition, self-confidence. Fredom from control yet the ability to have the situation in his hands.

Situation. Death
Sudden changes. An end to things as they were. Mortality and inevitability. Events that cannot be avoided.

What can happen instead. Justice reversed.
What will be right under the situation. And what is strictly fair.

I wish I know more about this boy. Only then can I decipher the meaning of the spread.

In closing

2005-09-16T08:27:00.000-07:00

For some personal reasons, I am closing my blog. So this is gonna be my last entry and I am gonna end my blog with a happy note.

Its only september, barely 3/4 of a year, yet it seem as if I have had this blog forever. Its been a great year. I have seen quite alot, gone through tough times and happy times and I have learnt so much. This blog started on the 2nd of january as a birthday gift from my beloved sister. In this 100 over entries, I have lamented about NS life; written down moments of joy; dwelled in nifty emotions and expressed love. From now on, its gonna be a closed book.

The week didn't start off well. Monday had me feeling totally down the drain. But on that very same day, I saw what friendship could do. Saw how it extends to selfless unquestioned sacrifices and unconditional forgiveness. "If there is one thing I will turn to, its friendship..." I thought I understood the meaning of this statement. Nah, I knew what it means. It was monday night that i was able to identify with its significance.

~Bound by friendship, my heart hurts whenever yours is broken~

I wanted some time away to consolidate myself. Put it simply, to 'change'. I wanted some time away, to give it up - for friendship. I wanted some time away so I can have space to be anew. On one sided opinions, i thought, you needed the same space to find and live your dream.

~No matter how far and high the kite flies. No matter how strong the wind blows. So long as we don't let go of the string. It never flies away.~

Went to town this afternoon and it was a great day. Had swensens, played air-hockey and chilled at coffeebean. Never had a more beautiful day. Never had such a genuine smile.I was happy. What more is there to say.

I studied your face so I will remember every inch of it. Without words I spoke my heart.

Sweet Dreams - Air Supply

This is the time when you need a friend
You just need someone near
I'm not looking forward to the night I'll spend
Thinking of you when you're not here
How many times will I think
About the things I'd like to do
Always denied the right to live my life
The way I want
I want to share it with you

Close your eyes
I want to ride the skies
In my sweet dreams
Close your eyes
I want to see you tonight
In my sweet dreams
I'll think of your kiss

As the days roll by
And I'll write the words you love
And what I can't say in a letter
Will just have to wait 'til I get home
There's not much time to tell you
Half the things I should
Only that I'm so glad I fell in love with you
And I'd do it again if I could

Close your eyes
I want to ride the skies
In my sweet dreams
Close your eyes
I want to see you tonight
In my sweet dreams

Close your eyes
I want to ride the skies
In my sweet dreams
Close your eyes
I want to see you tonight
In my sweet dreams

---- Instrumental Interlude ----
Sleep like a child
Resting deep
You don't know what you give me
I keep for these moments alone

~Book Closed~

Dreams.Joy.Love

Peaceful ending...

2005-09-04T03:25:00.000-07:00

I am deleting this post because it hurt someone. Never do I want the person to ever see this painful words again.

"The most beautiful thing god gave to me", no you are not, cos I don't believe in god. Neither are you a thing.

You simply made this world beautiful.

Needa Chill

2005-08-28T06:42:00.000-07:00

While I lament about the monotonous life which is boring me to death, the thought of all that is to come in the next 2 months seems like an irony. Been telling my brothers how life is becoming stagnant again, with nothing new and interesting to spur me on. Indeed, I have been doing nothing more than watching shows, roaming the net for something to do and poking around the kitchen for food. Maybe thats a blessing because I finally get time to rest...yet I am complaining. I need something to excite me and know that life is worth every single moment. But now, its very much like watching the pendulum swing.

Interval: Make myself a Scarlett O'hara...going light on the southern comfort.

The next two weekends will have me staying back in camp. Live Firing, AHM, outfields blah blah... its gonna be quite busy really. Will hardly have time at home to rest; probably won't be able to get much slots for driving before my test. September is gonna be so different from what it is right now. So... What have I to complain about..?

Went for a haircut this afternoon. Honestly, I am really impressed with the skill of the hair stylist. When I saw her style my hair, I knew the cut was worth it. Hehe Heh. Was so happy with my hair I skipped the idea of an afternoon nap. Instead, I went to reuben's place to get my PDW back. While slacking around, I remembered the glorious feeling of being a master on the lane. I wanted to experience the drive of my altar ego and the adrenalin that runs through my veins when I bowl 2 yrs back. Cool.

Finally go my board shorts. But piss. I must have been stupid to buy a white pair of shorts. Its just too difficult to match with other clothes. Beginning to think that its not that nice afterall...think I wasted my money. Arrrgggg!!! And instead of making me feel better my sister is telling me the truth...Ok...hahaha...She just changed her mind and said it looks ok. Yeah

Haiz...Looking at reuben. I think he is so lucky now. In mandarin, only the words tian mi mi can describe his relation with yuwen. Wah!!! Why am I not as lucky as reuben... Wish I can stumble upon someone whom I like and and have feelings for... ...Not that there is none, but just that kelvin is beginning to deny his heart...haiz...let the wind blow and the raindrops fall.

Disillusion

2005-08-24T21:33:00.000-07:00

What was I thinking during the ten minutes I took to write the statement of sarcasm. What drove me to paste it on OC's whiteboard. What was I trying to do, to bring about a revolution all alone? Wake up from those dreams boy. They never succeed. Haiz... its so disappointing to realise that Hawk Coy is but a polished Apple thats rotten in its core. Its decardent in terms of values. But who am I to say all that when I am equally guilty of the 'giving up and giving in' mentality which I so condemn. Unknowingly and most definitely unwillingly, I have let go of my values and comformed with the general attitude. Guess i am equally rotten within and without the will to hold on to my own beliefs... ... ... ...
Is that a good reason to call upon the inner one? He always awakes when my core is damaged. Hmm...damaged? What an understatement. I guess it is decaying.

Zen moves over to the mirror and looks at reflection

Zen: Been a long time...
Zen(Reflection): Indeed
Zen: Now that I am sane, my mind is telling me that I am dominant... over you
Zen(Reflection): Is that so?
Zen: You are only an image. My image
Zen(Reflection): That makes you the persona and me the character representing you
Zen: So?
Zen(Reflection): In that case, I am the only valid 'Zen' who exist. You, the persona, are no entity within this world perceived through your eyes.

He rest the piece of diamond on his ring against the mirror and scratches it

Zen(Reflection): I believe you have just disfigured yourself. Arh...to be precise, your image. Which ever hurts you.

Zen's cheek twitches in pain. He runs his index fingure across the ridge of his nose and finds them stained with blood.

Mist over morning earth

2005-08-22T17:29:00.000-07:00

Wake up in a chilling bedroom. Hit the showers for a nice warm washup. Weird stains off the face, cavities cleaned up. Shave and make sure you are all smooth. Make yourself a cup of rasberry/cranberry infusion tea and grab a bite. Enjoy breakfast over morning music on lush. Watch the exchange rates soar and read your friend's blog. Daily exercise, reading session and studying can wait. For now, enjoy and live like a prince.
There is noithing more important than making yourself feel good. Cast your heartaches aside and be as cool as you can be. No point thinking too much. They do more harm than good. Tat...greatest pitfall of loving someone. Time travel 24 hrs back.

830 monday morning. Shower and go through the morning ritual in camp. Piss off asap.
930 breakfast. Teh-O, roti-kaya, eggs.
1000 speech practice, hit the papers
1030 checkout on investments
1045 play...well still young and heart and black hawk down is quite cool
1100 exercise: More reps.Build up lactic acid in the upperbody muscles and watch they swell with blood rush over
1115 shower again. Watch the mist turn orange as sunshine peer through the windows.
1130 Dress up, hair done, Soul on.
1200 meet up. Put your heart to sleep so nothing comes out of it. Nothing.Don't even think. Just pure etiquette. Come on, you have been playing it well with many others. So forget your love. She's yours for the next few hours so make her day. Smile. Its the sign of being happy.
1230 short journey, keep the conversation going. Same rules.
1300 lunch. Try out something different a big O. Same rules...dessert...same rules...again
1400 There are no nice movies so head for the arcade and have fun instead. AOA(As of above)
1530 Coffeebreak. Write her name on the glass with chocolate in your ice mocha.
1615 The send off. Smile. Good job.
Now you have another hour before you meet your friends for dinner. Times is a good place to spend and hour reading. Shop around for awhile. Resist the pair of boardshorts that looks cool.
1800 meet up with friends. Head for any one of the restaurants
1900 try out mexican food. Learn: Rez means beef and Pollo means chicken
2000 you've been talking about Wala Wala for months so go on. Stop at one glass...Damn they don't tell you that its one for one until they suddenly pop up with another glass. Too full to finish it? Don't force yourself.
2200 Reach home. Change and... ...damn... ...maybe the alcohol increased blood circulation so much your heart wakes up. You start thinking again. You start to feel sian. You try to find someone to talk to with just "hey..." No replies, so you laugh at your won stupidity. Put yourself to sleep. Tomorrow will be ok.

Wake up and here you are blogging away. You feel a tad lost but then you think about it and you see that everythings ok and back to normal. Don't think too much lad. You are all fine.

2005-08-17T06:27:00.000-07:00

Forget all the stereotypic image of masculinity and welcome to the new world. If ladies can rise to become CEOs of multi national organisations, is there anything wrong with guys taking on a greater role in household affairs?
Take off your tag heur watch. Make yourself a glass of after dinner martini and get about washing the dishes. Give your lady a rest and who knows what reward may come. Girls want to know that their guy can take care of their needs in all aspect, that he is marriage material. Come on guys, there is really nothing too wussy about changing the baby's diapers whatsoever. What is it that guys cannot do. Go forth and be a man. Prove that you can be as cool at home as you are in the gym.

What do think?

Clockwork

2005-08-12T21:42:00.000-07:00

Tired. And I am beginning to think blogging is just a way of finding an arbitary group of people to talk to. A way of expressing oneself to an expected audience. Isn't that quite pathetic. These days are quite a waste of time. There isn't anything much to look forward to. Feels like I am floating. Walking on water in the middle of an endless sea. Headed towards no where, anything but to sink.
My hairs quite screwed and of detrimental effect to my ego. Maybe its just a bad cut. Should source for another salon the next time round. Don't really feel like going out, yet I don't want to waste precious doing nothing at home. Furthermore, that hag is really quite some trouble at home. She's getting on everyone's nerve. Wonder when we will finally get to say goodbye to her. Think its gonna take quite sometime. What a headach...
When there is emptiness despite all the things going on around me, it gives me the feeling that I am looking for something that isn't here yet. Its like standing in a shop with many things but none of which interest you. Wonder what it is I am looking for. Thrill? Speaking of which...I think there is someone I haven't visited in a long long time. Someone I banished to the very rear of my mind. Wonder what would come should I pay him a visit soon. Not a very good time to do so but its tempting.
Peace be with the one inside.

Once in a lifetime

2005-08-10T09:34:00.000-07:00

Lost interest in blogging so this is gonna be short. Anyway, I realise both my sisters like to leave cute comments behind. Reference last entry on comments. OK reminder that I owe my sister some stuff. Maybe I should keep my words. Provided my sister produce results for her exams. Haiz... don't know how to motivate her and get the studying nerves fired up.
NDP is now over. Over, because the past three months had us waiting and longing for the big day. All the servicing, painting grease and sweat paid off.-geez, mom just got on my nerves a second ago- Driving through padang, we did a grand salute. And I heard comments that on TV, I looked like I cocked up the alignment a tad, which probably went un-noticed on national TV. Truth is, the two other vehicles were supposed to take dressing from me but they lagged. But padang was only the beginning. Saluting the president is one thing. Waving to tens of thousands of civilians along the street en-route to Yishun was another thing. Kids waved in astonishment as they marvelled at vehicles they probably never saw before. Old folks clapped, smiled and cheered the youngsters doing their part to serve the nation.I waved and waved till my hands were tired. And then, there were the groups of young girls with which I exchanged flying kisses. Haha.
Them, we reached Yishun. One of the three heartlands. That was the climax. I don't know how many people there were. All I knew, the entired yishun ring road was flooded with Singaporeans eager and enthusiastic. It moved me so much I could hear my heart pounding against the loud backdrop of the BX's engine.Sadly, My 0.5 failed to fire. Which took away the shock effect of the show. Then there is this corteh who shouted "Haha! Misfire! You suck!" when my 0.5 experience IA during test fire. If he wasn't a civilian I think i would have run my BX all over him. Haiz...really no pride at that moment. Bloody gun...!!!!
Once in a lifetime experience man. I wish I could relive the moment. Guess not many people get to experience NDP in such a wonderful and heart warming way.

Oh Gosh

2005-07-27T09:59:00.000-07:00

...my present expenditure has reached 400 Sing Dollars for the month. That is...Bad News...because it means I am not only able to save 300 pathetic punny dollars for the months of July. I wonder what I have been spending on. Have not spend much buying anything or shopping. Most of the money went down my stomach. Food, Drinks, entertainment. It cost me a bomb. Must really learn to control my expenditure from now on all I will soon turn a beggar. I think I can forget about all the things I intend to buy in August.August...Haiz...August...Time flies...Soon, It will be September and then...Haiz....
A short entry to publicise my laments and the whimps of Kelvin. On off tomorrow, so I guess I maybe stick my ass at home and not go out at all least I start spending again...So sad....

hmm...long long time

2005-07-26T07:58:00.000-07:00

Been a long long time since I last blogged. Slacking in I-Net room right now, with drooping eyes and a sleepy head. I guess i am beginning to lose interest in this blogging thing. Not that motivated to write anymore.
Been to sentosa last sunday, much to my dad's disagreement. He haven't raised his voice at me for a long long time. Whats really disappointing was the trip to sentosa. It rain. yes it RAINED and we did nothing at all. If not for the fact that I applied for Islander Pass that day, I will be ....%$@$%&^@#. Still haven't found a pair of surf shorts to my liking. Think I will wait for my next pay before I go on a hunt for items on my To-Buy list. Heh. At the present rate I am spending, i willprobably end up quite short of savings.
Haha. Last sunday, while strolling along the beautiful beaches of off-shore singapore, Ray passed a comment which really sent me into a state of shock. Tummy. He said I have developed a tummy. Gosh. Gosh. What the ****. How could it be!!!??? Someone tell me he was joking. haiz. Must have been the beer. Eversince then, I have called it quits with Beer...well 2 days to be exact and decided to add a hundred situps to my daily training regime.Never will I allow beer, food and sloth rally the eight nations into a single union. In chinese (Ba Guo Lian Jun)No!!!!!
Time really just flies by. Without even knowing, rain has been back for about 2 weeks and yes I haven't been paying much attention to her. Hmm...cause for guilt? I don't know. Nonchalence seem to have work things out rather nicely over the past few months. No further discussions on this is encouraged.
It rained heavily early this morning. And I loved it. In a dreamy state, I barely remember the melody of the torrents and a momentary glace out of the window. If only all aspects of life were like the rain:Beautiful. Yet such things come and go. Don't they?
Sentimental? Emotional? Hmm... Seems like little Kelvin have changed quite alot. No longer the cold stone gargoyle with a devilish being within. Or was it just a matter of coming out from the dark clouds and soaring happily like a sparrow again?
Am I happy with what I have and what I am now?Kelvin himself knows not... ...

All about morale

2005-07-17T07:11:00.000-07:00

I went back to camp after a long 4 days break on wednesday night. Was expecting myself to study a little before I sleep but it turns out I was too tired and too low in mood to do anything. The few days back at home was very much a roller coaster of emotions. Don't really feel like discussing about it.
Thursday was all hot and sunny initially. So I had sprays of sun tan lotion all over me before I even started with changing the track pads. Speaking of which, changing 154 track pads manually is really a killer. Theres no better way to understand the agony than giving it a try. Then it started to rain. Rain. Rain...Haiz... Was all wet. Thankfully, my boots didn't get soaked. Still,it was hell of an experience. My muscles suffered cramps all day long. By the time we got back to camp, I was dead beat. Hence, another non-constructive day went by.
Friday. I woke up with the knowledge that my combat vehicle is due for some serious servicing. Thats adding on to the fact that we have got OVM stock take to settle and I haven't finished changing my NDP vehicle's track pad. Haiz. Another tiring day went by after some working in the rain. It wasn't that bd afterall. I always enjoyed watching the rain torrent down while sitting on the hull of my BX. Its quite a cool feeling. Especially when a breeze sends raindrops splattering on m face. Such moments of serenity are really hard to come by.Yet, amidst the enjoyment, a tinge of unhappiness lingers in the back of my mind. Whatever. It isn't very manly to whin.
Friday night, lowloading as usual. After that, We went for supper...oops. Gotta bookin. To be continued.

Haiz...

2005-07-13T01:54:00.000-07:00

Monday night
Had a great time

Tuesdays afternoon
What a waste of time

Tuesdays night
Only the "Pathetic" downs his sorrow

Wed afternoon
Willow in plight

Wed night?
Haiz...or just go forth and be a man

What the fuck!?

Slow Motion

2005-07-11T02:19:00.000-07:00

Somehow it has taken a couple of minutes for the new post page to load. Blogspot must have been experiencing some heavy traffic!?
Been only few days since I last blogged. Not much time to spare for such leisure activities these days. The thought of blogging dawned on me last night. However, the temptation to just go and sleep was too strong for me to resisit. Can you imagine this, I haven't spent a night on my bed in a month!!! Those familiar with my room should know how great it feels, especially with lush music playing in the background. Boy! My room rocks.
Woke up early today to buy newspaper and spent an hour reading more articles than usual. No, it is not because I have got more time to read at home. Its simply due to the fact that i was pissed with the sudden slurred speech so i kept reading till it was ok. What happen next is even more out of the norm. I went for breakfast with my mom. Haven't done that in a long time too. And today, I realised that age has caught up with her.Haiz...No comments on this.
I went for driving after that. As expected, its prety screwed up because the last time I drove was at least 1 and a half months ago. Its amazing how I didn't get involved in an accident. Well, not that I would want one. For those who still have not got the news, Nick Pang just got this driving license today. I ought to put in more time and effort if I were to pass the first time round. I still gotta wait till October. Came how to finish watching Alfie, study, pump and relax. Such opportunities are hard to come by these days.
Last saturday marked the NE show. It was one hell of a great experience. Tens of thousands of primary 5 kids all dressed in red brought life to Padang. It was a show,not just a rehearsal for us. I felt so proud that day because there was just so many peoplethere watching; so many camera flashes; loud cheers. Nothing can quite describe how happy and proud I was. Next up will be the preview.
Went to guojun's house to play mahjong yesterday and it was great fun. For the first time, I Ting si san yao. But someone just had to end it!!! Tried to resist the idea of drinking but somehow I find myself drinking Cordon Bleu and some white wine Damn, I should stop drinking. Haven't had dinner with my brothers in a long time so we went to Bukit Timah Market for some talk cock session. Wong said this(and I think the whole world should get to read this):
"you know what it means if you go out with someone who looks 50% like Ling XiangPing? It means that half of the people around will think that you are going out with Ling XiangPing"
What the F**k? Can't believe this is coming out of the all intelligent Guojun? Neither can I. But its quite true though. haha. Anybody got a friend who looks 25% like Elva Xiao please introduce.
Ok, gotta go out soon before I am late. Having dinner at Holland V.Yeah! yeah! Shuqi is coming back so my liquor collection is gonna be updated as well. But thats not the point. I kinda miss her. But, damn...I feel stuck on how to feel and react. And she better don't come across this...

Smiles all over

2005-07-06T07:15:00.000-07:00

I went back to camp last sunday thinking, for the third time in army: What comes out of NS? Whats the point of trying to be a good leader, trying to be proficient in military skills and being all enthusiastic. Honestly, I see it as a duty to serve the country. Singapore will not being enjoying the present peace if not for the effort of every young singaporean serving their "term". Still, the question remains unchanged: What comes out of it?
Since last month, I have adopted the mentality of doing things in passing. Do my job, fulfil my tasks and call it a day. Such an attitude does not make a commander but, so? Bearing in mind once again my objectives and focus in life, I emphasize more on personal development these days. With great military discipline, I spend time reading the newspaper everyday, practising my speech techniques, improving my language proficiency, working out and studying. At the end of the day, all these will pay off. I will be of help to my future as I step into the corporate world. On the contrary, what value will AI Section Crew Drills have a year or two later.

~I have a vision of what a successful man is like, and I will work towards this vision. Nothing comes with effort.~

Much to my great surprise, someone asked me out this Monday. I was overjoyed and started acting like a kid till the moment I step out of camp. The night spent was meaningful and fantastic. How I wish such luck will dawn upon me again. Got to book in soon...Bye

Counting Crows

2005-07-03T03:12:00.000-07:00

Been a long week as usual. Thinking back, I can't really remember what my previous book in was like. The past week in camp had alot of ATEC Stage 1 Prep going on. That amounts to alot of rushing here and there to get things done and to train up the section. Good thing is, I think they are well prepared.
Despite that, I did manage to find quite a due of free time to study Technical Analysis at night. Finally, NS life isn't totally about NS. I never wanted it that way. It restricts the meaning of time. I want to spend my time meaningfully and while NS is meaniful, I want my time with other things as well. Studying and reading Straits Times have become my new SOP for the days. Monday morning was probably the best I had. Was up at around 7+ with nothing to do and so I decided to twang in bunk. Tilted the tv towards my bed to watch CNA. All that I lacked was a cup of hot tea with me. Gotta replace the mug that I broke sometime back.
On Wed, we were out in TP4 for stage 1 prep. Cheemeng my SC suggested we go pick durians and pluck rambutans. So, 32A went around the entired TP4, stopping under rambutan trees that were flaming with riped fruits. We plucked like a hundred of them? and then went on to durians which was a greater favourite amongst us. Dismounted some 4 times at various locations and collected around 20 of them. large and small, they were great. Premium quality and much tastier then those up for sales in the marketplace. Probably due to the fact that they grew on natural fertilizers in the wild. Wild Durians. They were fantastic. trust me to that. So I returned to camp with a vehicle of fruits and had to gather additional help to carry them back to bunk. Haha.
Throughout the week, Pang and me have been desperately wanting to visit Wala Wala at holland Village for a good chill out night. Much to our dismay...well pang's greater disma...it never materialised. Instead on the 4 nights out I had last week, I watched Initial D and War of the Worlds. Sort of made a word to visit Foster with Juan. eh...when I free ba. Always free on the days when few are free...buts its still fun.
Friday saw a half day of for the NDP dudes. So I made my way out of camp and headed for home before I departed for the banks shortly after. Did some major restructuring to my saving accounts and did some investment in forex. It was already 430 when I got home and I had a dinner aranged at 7. So, poor me had no opportunity to watch my downloaded movies!! But all went well. Because...

I finally found time to go to town!! Yeah!!!.....................for 2 hours....

Spent less than a hour shopping but I found my Wolverine Origins graphic novel carefully hidden behind some other comics. Went to shop at wisma where I was suppossed to meet Juan. Flash and splash got me fired up for some clothing shopping so I kinda decided skip dinner. Haha. After dinner at Pizza tanglio, I realised how uncle me have a bad habit of spending money like tis coming out of a photo-copier. Spent around 90 that night? Thats excluding the 60 bucks that I now owe Pang for the summer one. Haha. Gonna wear that for exotic sunday morning sentosa trips. yeah yeah...

In fact, I still got a lot on my to buy list. But considering that I am gonna spend on liquor next month cos shuqi is coming back, maybe I should cut down a tad on my expenditure. Hope she remembers the southern comfort.

Came back at 8am today after 2 sleepless nights at kallang and jurong camp respectively. It was all movie marathon for me, watching sin city after cruel intentions. Adding to the ultimate relaxing experience is the chivas and rum mix which I had seperately. Oh...and did I not mention about that hair cut that I just had. Gosh, its definitely worth a revisit. The lady is great. That includes her haircut. Haha.

Break-O-Day

2005-06-25T23:28:00.000-07:00

Friday 24th June 645 in the evening. I lay on the front hull of my black stead in vest and slack. Literally, slack. Overhead, the clouds were a grey mass and the gentle wind blew it in a northerly direction. On my right, to the west, the sun was setting. As it slowly inched towards the horizon, its rays turned into a deep orange which reflected against the grey clouds, forming a beautiful artwork of colours in the sky. All around me, Jurong Camp was quiet. I remember thinking, life has never been this peaceful. There is nothing to worry about, nothing to stress over, nothing to speand a penny of thought on. A stark contrast of feelings compared to how I was the night before. I tried to sleep, but too much a sleep in the earlier afternoon had me flow into imaginations instead. I imagined what it would be like the day after, imagine what shes like now far away, imagined my future ahead. It all felt...perfect. Soon, the sun was all gone and the low loading had yet to begin for any of us. The Combat engineers left first and so I continued with my little slacking on the BX. Before I knew it, the moon had replaced the evening sun. Had not seen a moon rise in a long time. Somehow the moon always seem larger when it just start to rise and for the same scientific reasons, it appears deep orange like a setting sun. Had I had a camera, I would have taked a hundred shorts of it and sent her the nicest looking one. The night was long and lowloading for me was at 11. when I reached Kallang, Pang was flooding my phone with SMSes and calls. Somehow rushing me, somehow I felt pissed. Must be the tiredness of a long day setting in. Had a cup of ice Mocha at the cafepub there. Opted against alcohol because Pang and me were getting scared already. Adopted the stop at one policy for BBQ night beers and the coffee or tea policy for chill out moments. One other reason we visited the pub was to check out the cute girl there Cheemeng and Joseph have been talking about. *Sip on my baybreezer* As describe, she is really quite young and ba ba. Cheemeng's type. For the uninitiated, Cheemeng is my Sect Comdr. Cheemeng the Ah meng. Haha....moooolllleeeee is the nickname the man have given him.
Went back to my stead to settle for the night, only to realise to my greatest horror that I am not there for a relaxing night. I was there to fight a delay mission with 3rd Div Kallang Mosquitoes. What the F***. I changed position at least six times, alternating betweent the BX hull and the stuffy trooper compartment of my 40/50. Everywhere I go, there is a combat team of mosquitoes. The artillery guys alongside us from 21SA were suffering the defeat of the same warfare...against mosquitoes. I drew out my defence stores, got into my long four and cover my face with my camo scarf. For once the biting on the face stopped but the buzzing of the mosquitoes just got more scary when they circled my face. Soon they dashed for the undefended warmth of my wrist and palm. An hour later, my palms were sp tattered with mosquito bites it was hurting. Damn the bugs. I wanted to go get my gloves but the samage has been done so I decided to retaliate. Woke up to kill as many mosquitoes as I could. Trust me, its worst than outfield. If you think Murai Open Patch at LCK have the strongest mosquitoes size force, you thought wrong. Try kallang KFC car park.
Saturday. The day for NDP rehearsal. Two runs promised. Hours of waiting time speculated. Heavy publicity expected. It all went as plans. Everywhere the BX convoy went, people waved at us. Some changed the lens of their camera to have a nicer shot. Others simply took out their handphones for a video or still shot. Kids stared and waved. Babes marveled at us. We felt like heroes!!! As usual, joseph and cheemeng were engrossed with kua cai and I join in of course. This hot eurasian babe in hot pants and tight fitting top caught great stares from us when she came out of singapore recreation club. Bending over to change into slippers beside us, her sleek long legs had us loose focus on the job at hand. Gosh. She is DAMN HOT. Wasn't the only one, there were just so many babes trying to get a picture of us, the Black Knights on Steads.

We felt proud. We felt like Heroes. We felt like Singaporeans. The burnt weekends were all worth it.

The rehearsals will go on at 1 and 6 pm every saturday, the evening run being the more spectecular one because the airforce will be joining in. After the afterburners crackle the skys, listen carefully to the rolling in of heavy armour.

NDP rocks.

From Russia With Love

2005-06-23T06:39:00.000-07:00

For those who have been thinking about the previous abrupt blog entry, let me announce that I manage to get back what is rightfully mine through words of a forceful mind. Here I am on a lonely thursday night, typing away with a heart of dismay... ... why? My future seems bleak...again.

For one, I have heard news from the relevant authorities that they do not consider me as a suitable candidate for the SMU scholarship. In effect, that means that 5K a year is gone and all the saving plans I have made earlier on is...poof...down the drain. That 20K isn't all that matters to me really, rather the emotional setback is whats giving me a real kick in the ass. Am I simply "not there" ? Pwee... Psc was a tough one so being rejected was fine. Firefly was a stunner. Home affairs was a disappointment and now even SMU scholarship have had been deemed "not qualified", gosh. I find only myself o blame for just being "not there"... Was seriously condiering retaking SAT1 because I believe thats the veto factor that I am lacking.

Yet, on a positive light, its when this kind of things happen that I realise my strength. Probably the only thing I have in me that has made me what I am today. Fighting Spirit and words from a wise man "Taking longer and tougher routes will still lead you to your destination, just that you get to learn more and see greater things." Honestly, I see myself emerging triumphant with effort. Afterall, theres no point comparing. People tend to make comparison with those that are better, higher, greater. All that they get out of it is negative feelings and some willow in pathetic self-pity. Stand up, be a man and learn that one needs to be positive to be able to look at what he wants and not what he have failed to get. With a clenched fist raised high up above your head, say "I"

Hmm...speaking of victories, it reminds me of the skill at arms competition between the various companies today. My section emerged first for both drills we were involved in. Then, when the competitors failed to meet ATEC standards for the camo drill, my section was again called - all of a sudden, with no preparation. we went up the BX and we did it. First! Its not me that brought us the 3 victories, but the combined effort of all my man and my KB Sect Commdr that did us proud. Because WE are that good. That Good!

Some should know the sad and frustrating story of my driver giving my NDP vehicle a terrible painting. While I desperately tried to remedy the situation with some thinner it got worst and my vehicle's hull wa "gone f**k". After days of desperately trying to get the correct paint colour and painting technique - cos its sprayed on, not painted - I finally got it a decent makeover. Haiz. Gone case la.

And so, poor me will be going back to camp in an hours time because I am DS tomorrow morning. After which I will be doing some low loading of Vehicle to Padang. Then I will sleep there, in my vehicle until the morning when there will be some formal rehearsal. Some roads will be closed for Armour to ROLL IN. When it all "ends", we will low load the vehicles back overnight and hopefully get to book out on Sunday morning. Probably grab some nap before I go for class gathering in the evening. Will book in straight after that I guess. Haiz....Sad life ah...

No time to go to heeren to shop for clothes and accessories...
No new business contacts and potential clients...
No chance to sleep on my bed for 2 weeks...
No chance to go and watch movie...
No 20K over 4 years and free laptop from SMU...
What I have....NDP participation...don't even have "preview" tickets...

Haiz....

Haiz...

2005-06-19T04:18:00.000-07:00

Some matters are heart are simply difficult to articulate, or even be put down in words. Many times, it only express itself as a word of sigh~

Just woke up so my attitude is kinda F**ked. But my mind seems more awake then I was. Now that I recall what I just did, I feel like hitting myself in the nuts with a 12lb hammer. Was I so stupid as to give her the money again? The money didn't matter as addition to my coffer. I have considered it to be non-existent since months ago. And when she returned me the money las weekend, I knew it would come to this. That she will ask for it again. Fucking gamble with it again. I had planned on giving 500 of it to my sister so she can secretly open a bank account and finally have some decent savings. Now its gone. Why was I so stupid to be honest when all I had to do was to say that I have already banked in the money. Fuck. I am seriously quite pissed.

Heading off for father's day dinner now. Speaking of which, I can't even lift some 50 bucks to treat my dad. haiz.
I am off for now. Come back to blog again later before I book in.
JB.

Rick Price - Heaven Knows

2005-06-18T09:55:00.000-07:00

This song does set me aching....

She’s always on my mind
From the time I wake up
’til I close my eyes
She’s everywhere I go
She’s all I know
And though she’s so far away
It just keeps gettin’ stronger everyday
And even now she’s gone
I’m still holding on
So tell me where do I start
’Cause it’s breaking my heart
Don’t wanna let her go

Maybe my love will come back some day
Only heaven knows
And maybe our hearts will find a way
Only heaven knows
And all I can do is hope and pray
’Cause heaven knows

My friends keep tellin’ me
That if you really love her
You’ve gotta set her free
And if she returns in kind
I’ll know she’s mine
So tell me where do I start
’Cause it’s breakin’ my heart
Don’t wanna let her go

Why I live in despair
’Cause wide awake or dreaming
I know she’s never there
And all this time I act so brave
I’m shaking inside
Why does it hurt me so

Heaven knows
Heaven knows

The Italian Job

2005-06-18T09:00:00.000-07:00

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Thats an Italian job. Instead of whip cream, I used Ice Cream. Was suppossed to have a layering effectbut I poured the Blackcurrant squash too fast. Its a kinda strong drink even after I halved the liquor porportions. If you don't think it tastes like cough drops, this is how its taste like. A tad sweet, sour and a strong alcoholic smell in the backdrop. So its air-con, Italian Job, Hor Fun and lush music for a relaxing saturday night. But...heh..my sisters came in to add more lift and virgo then peace. Haha.

It was NDP rehearsal again today. Only thing is that its the last one at tuas. Will be moving over to suntec. Then, some quite major roads will be blocked off for us. Cool. Members from all walks of the media community flooded to Tuas Link today to cover the "Special Report" on the NDP rehearsal. Bet they don't understand how siong it is to be under the swealtering sun for hours on ends with camoflage painted on our face and CVC helmet straped tightly across our scalp. Well did well though. I am gonna bring icebox and beer next week.

The past week went by real fast with outfield. The nights just zoom pass my senses each day. Remember that I had a fever and was deciding at the cross-roads of my great dilemma. Well. Eventually, I tong through the fours days. If people can tong through JCC with fever, I can sure tong four days armour outfield. Actually, I was feeling faint when we started to move out on monday. Plus it was windless and the sun was a bad curse. I swear I almost collapsed and the only thing that kept me standing was water and water...well mentols the freshmaker kept me from dying too. Haha. Setting the Camo net that day was really really a nutcase and I lie flat on the hull the moment its done.

The rest of the days outfield were so so till the last day when we fought delay. BC that cock scolded me a bastard!!! Maggot. Now I wonder why I never seow gan with him on the spot that day. Me your father tried my very best to do what OC said. I wore my CVC helmet the whole night after the TTR time. Even when i took it off i wore my Kevlar helmet. Thats while everyone else is sleeping. Just so suay they had to change frequency when I dosed off. BC must be real dump. If he can't get me on the new freq, why can't he just change back to the old one and get me? And of cos I cannot hear his whinny shouts. Mind you .SIR. I was wearing my CVC helmet and manning the radio, of cos I can't hear you. Dosed off standing. Thats the best I can do already, what do you expect me to do, take pills? or pee on my camo scarf and tie it around my face to keep myself awake. Had I known that, I should have just everything off, l;ie on the hull and sleep. Either way I am gonna get scolded. Neh! I am pissed.

Anyway, I heard from guanyi that he reads my blog. And he asked me to come home and write so that he could read. Haha. Feel kinda honoured.

3-quarter back

2005-06-12T01:32:00.000-07:00

Not some football player, just a sick little chick recovering with 25 more percent to go. Guess i am left with the additional 0.5 degree celsius and tasteless songue before I can declare myself 100% fine.
If there is any reason why it just have to be today that I recover, I would say its not the medicine. Rather...all the cock ups going on in camp is really... truly... beginning to get on my nerves. If I don't appear in camp tomorrow, I believe 32A will not be moving out...!! Haiz... Uncle Low here woke up 5 in the morning to settle the cvc helmet issue which just came to a close an hour back. Haiz....Can't even rest in peace....R.I.P....when I am trying my best to recover from my fever. Well...now that I am medium-well with my illness, I think I will be going back to camp tonight. Well....honestly...heeh...why would I want to miss the first ever high tempo missions. So...it better be fulfilling. If it turns out that me being the one and only 32A does nothing but vehicle hide under the hot sun...again...gosh...the sun is gonna burn the devils skin. And when the devil get hot......grrrgggg. It better be fun. Seems like my mind is more or less decided. Still, there is my father to convince.
Interestingly, I actually forgot to take my fever medicine just now. I thought I took it already but I only took the antibiotics so I casually forgot. Despite that, my temperature was well maintained. So, my KTG's hypothesis states that I should be FFF by tomorrow morning. Only this is, this time round, I am not gonna let myself sweat like a mad dog and da all the work. Inchik better have sufficient tonners indented.
Ok as usual, before every armour moveout, words of thanks to the people who have been good to me all my life. My sisters... take care.....OC....please don't send me to bobby 1 2 or 3.

Thats about it.

A pathetic state

2005-06-11T03:40:00.000-07:00

I am now proned on my bed, in a much pathetic state. Ask me why I am still typing? cos I want to have no regrets. Well...that might be a little too serious a note.Nvm.

This kelvin forsaken fever has really come at a wrong time.Why now, when BPT is just next week. Its putting me in a great dilemma. Haiz...Consider all the words that will be flying around if I am absent from the BPT. For one, Marc will KB, noel will KB. This is gonna put sgt ong in a damn bad position. i don't want that to ever happen. Not to sgt ong. Secondly, 2ic and oc are really gonna be one times pissed. I remember OC saying hat he expects no Att Cs. 2ic is a hard nut to crack. Last bu definitely not the least,how are my man gonna look at this. How am I gonna face my man when they return on thursday evening with camo on. Well.....how? I can choose to go, irregardless of my physical state. There is the fear of the unforgiving sun, merciless rain and the deep of the no sleep nights. I can just imagine the terrible feeling. outfield with a fever running under the hot sun, how would that feel. Who knows what will happen. Its all based on assumptions, ones that are valid. If I recover by tomorrow morning, I will have a day to rest, then outfield on monday should be fine. Yet it seems like everytime before we even move out, I will be soaked in sweat, burning in my fucking coverall. I still remember the previous moveout when I was totally shag out befor the exercise even starts. And the man were still in admin sleeping in their bunk when I was half dead. Something is damn wrong here. The man of Hawk coy are damn spoilt. So should I endure through the 4days3nights and overcome adversity with my fighting spirit? Or should I just be self-fish and care only about my health cos afterall, I will just F off after anoher 8 months. Well...if Noel can be in phuket during the last ex....hmmm.....damn it. I wish I can be fighting fit with a clap.

And yesterday had me enduring quite alot as well. The fever was slight in the morning. But when I was on my way home, I felt like puking. Fuck. The feeling sucks. It always starts with some weird feeling up your esophaegus. Then the sick and weak of the stomach sets in. Then you can't stand properly. I sat at the mrt station for some half and hour and at westmall's exterior for sometime before I could make my way home. Now that I think of it, I swear I am seriously pissed off. The feeling fucking sucks. It must have been damn embarassing. reminds me of what I told Nick Pang when we were damn drunk the last time. What's the point of being dressed so nice when you feel like dirt and behave like a pathetic prick in public. Only this time its virus and not alcohol. Cursed. And I was wearing the same shirt twice. The last last time I wore it, it was a sad an unlucky day as well. I should burn that shirt. NB.

Yesterday, the crepes at citylink sucks so much I felt like puking as well. Only I perserve through eating it. Cannot finish eating....infront of a lady....damn it. Then in all ultimate suayness, I can actually drop the movie ticket. WTF. I can't believe how suay I have been these days. Am I being cursed or something? Fuck la...try me man..make my vehicle overturn la. I challenge fate. I am god. I am Kelvin. NB. Try me. So darn embarassing yesterday. Kaoz...makes me feel even more pissed. And I can't even rest properly tonight cos I gotta book in and prep my bloody vehicle.

My last words, I am greater than greatness, down but not out. I will go outfield...just to challenge fate. I don't believe its so easy to die in this world.

Now anyone can leave comment already...

Haiz...bu yao dui wo na me hao. Its not your duty. Nor am I guilty. Can't explain...just don't.

The longest 24 hrs

2005-06-09T08:54:00.000-07:00

The past week has been real tiring. But the past 24hrs is so eventful I guess it shades everything off. This is it...

I went to bed at 7, feeling a tad of sickness. The moment I laid comfortably on bed, my phone started ringing. Turned off my phone and drifted off into dreams almost instantly. Well, not that accurate. I think I was too tired to dream. The next thing I know, my eyes open to some blinding light. The HQ guys were than kind enough to turn off the lights for me. Calvin gave me a pair of panadol which I quickly swallowed...was too tired to even reach for water. Johnson told me I had to prep my vehicle for the day's commander training. Drifted off again. I vaguely remember waking up for at least 6 to 8 times. Thats probably why I could remember my dream. It was a peculiar one and despite the greatly interrupted sleep, the dreamed continued like a book...A sad novel. I dreamt that someone close and dear was dying from a severe illness. Despite the pain, there was no tears. Because I believed the person would leave on. Because I couldn't afford to lose the person. Because there are so many reasons I can't live without the person. In a dreamy state, I found myself thinking. Thinking about what I would do if it really happened. It was about six when I pulled myself out of bed. My head was heavy. My body beared a concoution of feverish feelings. I considered skipping the commander training altogether, but finally decided against it. Went for breakfast at the cookhouse and had to drag my man to come down to draw arms. Felt like killing those guys. They are simply too slack these days. Had it not been for the fever, platoon 10 would have seen hell this morning.

Was suppossed to be ready by 730 in the morning. I was. But as usual, we spent an hour or so waiting for noel to turn up. By then, I was already too sick to feel pissed. Staff steven came to educate us on the Atec Stage 1 standards. He seldomed talks to me and the impression I always hold was that he didn't really like me. Yet, he came up to me today and asked how I was. Asked why I looked so sad. I said I was ok. That 41 is fine. He came up to me again, put his arms around my shoulders and said: Trainee that time you always smiling and joyful, why now look so sad. It was then that I felt greatly touched. I put my arms on him and told him I am happy is 41, but I was running a fever. I really never expected such a gesture from him. The commander training lasted for around 4 hours in the vehicle shed. I swear I thought of falling out and going back to bunk to sleep. That thought surfaced for at least 10 times. And 10 times I decided to perserve and endure. Reason? I don't know too.

Soon as it ended, I went back to bunk and reste for some twenty minutes. Was due to go to Gedong camp for AGTS at 1230. My stomach was growling by then and I remembered how I had no appetite in the morning plus skipped dinner the night before.Dragged myself to the cookhouse and had a 8 minute lunch. Must have been too hungry then. Soon after, I was informed of a BPT briefing due tomorrow at 2pm. What it signified was that my friday off would be burnt...again. In actual fact, I should be on off today. And I have made plans to go out with Juan. But because of some ATEC stage 1 training, my off was pushed to friday. So, with great luck, I managed to get her out on friday instead. Curse be it, I think the situation will be totally screwed up if my friday is burnt as well. Don't wanna "fang ge zhi" on anyone. It ain't nice. Oh and I was feeling better than thanks to a second panadol. The office was cold so I started walking around the Coy line. Both my PC and Rsm was there so I took great efforts to disappear. Least I kanna. There is this tree beside the old medical centre. Under which a few slabs of rock provided a good seat. I found some peace there. The weather was a blessing for once, in a week. It was breezy, cooling and above all it had this sense of serenity. I felt much much better and thought the fever was gone.It was, for the next few hours....

Went to AGTS in kumar's car. I couldn't believe how screwed up things can get when I was rejected entrance because the staffs there claimed my uniform was dirty. Tough luck. I was already feeling screwed about the BPT briefing and this had to happen. With no choice, I went to Emart with dexiang to get kiwi, then went to cut our hair. As usual, AGTS was a cold place. When I left the winter hell, my fingers were totally numb and I couldn't even unbutton my pocket. I was shivering quite alot even on the tonner. It was then that I thought I should put on a strong front infront of my man. Behave like a commander and not a weakass...still I am human....Endure.

The moment I reached camp, I headed off to bed again and decided to f care the redwood's mess function I was suppossed to go. Decided to sleep for an hour plus, wake up at 8 and book out. I curse yself for not turning off my handphone. I got woke up for kelvin knows how many times by numerous calls. Well...they were important calls so...make peace. Told my mother I would be coming home when I wake up. Didn't want her to know I am sick so I can still go out tomorrow. Went I finally woke up, it was 1030. Calvin and Jialiang have already booked in. The rest have left for nights off. They were quite stunt. So I left camp finally at 11 when dad came to pick me up. I think a third panadol attirbute to the feeling better again. Water paraded myself to wash off the temperature. Hope it works...sometime it works.

What a day...doubt everyone will be able to see why. But it was hell of a day. Full of agony, but yet touched by the little actions of people around me. Hope I will be fine the moment I wake up tomorrow so I can go out. Been a long time since I get to go out. My days are just so packed and full of stressful work load. Thanks to NDP.

A break of momentum

2005-06-03T08:59:00.000-07:00

...remember how the past weeks have been totally hectic? Finally, there is a proper weekend for me to take a break and relax...

This is how things went since the last time I stopped by my blog...

Saturday night had been booking in early at around 10 to stand in for COS duty. Thats part of me keeping my promise to return Jieren a favour. And so there I was sitting in the comfort of the office, telling every single person who came to sign in the same thing. Then I took some initiative to push the tonner's timing. All in all, it was 1140 when I finally get to go back to my bunk. Yep. Some maggots just have to be late and somehow I pardoned them...hmm...extras will be for real the next time round!

Sunday was NDP rehearsal day. Yeah, it rained again as expected. And rain meant sleeping in the trooper compartment of my 40/50 for a good one hour. Imagine waking up at 5 and when rehearsal only starts at.....11?

Monday was supposed to be a halfday for us involved in NDP but instead we were down at jurong camp again for ye another round of rehearsal because 8 brigade commander was gonna be there. So...suck thumb and endure the lack of sleep again.
Tuesdays, guess what!?Is outfield, and it was a f**king hot day. I think I never sweat as much before. Yup, coverall is a killer especially when the weather is that unforgiving. There is only one way to describe myself. Even before outfield, I was shag-out. The feeling of sweat dripping from your face each time you look at the floor; droplets of sweat rolling down your neck as you look up........it simply sucks. It just feels uncomfortable. And that night, I didn't sleep, cos we were suppossed to move out at 0430 wed morning. We missed the no move time, thanks to attched elements who cock up the move out big time. Somehow, I was the only vehicle who had natural camo on. Not that I keh zua...but...I was just following instructions. Somehow the person who instructed me forgot about his own instructions I guess. Isn't it SOP to camo for outfield? Well...it turned out later that OC got one times gaolat gaolat because some vehicles were camo-ed while others not.

Well, on Wednesday, I felt like giving up the fight. It was plain cock. The higher HQ's instructions were screwed, the planning was screwed, the moveout itself was delayed by 1 hr 45 mins due to kelvin-knows-what reasons, the movement and fight was just...FUBAR. I don't know why... Maybe the SM-1 is slow by deafault. Maybe the SM-1s in our company cannot run fast...or maybe the tank PC don't like to chiong. Its a snowball effect. Imagine the first vehicle moving at some 20-30kmph? and the rest of the vehicles don't really open up their distance, and your are the last of 15 vehicles. Gosh. I guess the "aggressive movement" turned out to be some 15 kmph NDP rehearsal. And 2ic wanted us to practice gun-salute outfield...??????
I looked at the way 46 fought their ftx. And I saw the way we fight. Well, I doubt I should even call it a fight. Or maybe its just this outfield? Because in the previous exercises our battles were fought with great enthusiasm and bam bam booms. Haiz...when I went up to T32 alone, I was thinking....haiz...I don't care no more....if this is the way we gonna fight, I rather not.41 Bn Hq is...FUBAR. I guess I should call it..Ex Patience. We spent so much fucking time waiting for Kelvin-knows-what.
Well, thursday morning was Delay. Haiz...had I known that the 31 and 33 elements were happily sleeping, I should have joined in. I was actually desperately trying to keep myself awake from the TTR time. Try try try...haizx...for what man, in the end still kanna scolded also. Haiz.....I sleep also sleep standing at the cupola...wah....still got scolded for being bo ka lan. At least OC recognises the effort there.
So I fianally get to sleep until 1130 this morning. Actually, I woke up for a moment at 830 when an unknown alarm clock went off. I wonder which cockster set the alarm clock. For Fish??? Setting an alarm clock to wake me up???
And worst...after I managed to dash the alarm clock away, some maggots..well..actually they are damn damn smart maggots from NUS high school woke me up. Those maggots talked loudly, shouted, talked some rubbish about me, knock on my door for no reasons, opened my bedroom door and peeped in. Question here: For Fish?? Oi!! You smart KIDS, you know whats discipline, manners and respect!? Maggots
Spent the bulk of the day slacking around at home. Watched we don't live here anymore(finally) which is about modern day adultery and the crude realities of post marriage life. Was watching the vcd when rain tried talking to me on msn. When I realised it, she is gone already...haiz...hope she does not get the wrong idea that I bo ka lan her. ......how to......Spend a great deal of time planning my money management. Guess I gonna put part of my money in Unit trust and in an ocbc account already. The pay off is higher. DBS bank gives pathetic interest man.
Just got back from a nice dinner at glasshouse..yeah..fish and co is always so enjoyable...yum yum...

Finally...

2005-05-28T06:10:00.000-07:00

...there is a moment to relax. To sit down at the desk and type away happily on my blog again. Not with some proposal or details and all that shit which I gotta rush through. Phew...its just relaxing...yeah.

In actual fact, I am suppossed to get my ass moving like right now, so that I can make it back to came before the maggots of Hawk Company start returning to camp. But...Hecks! Gone with it man. I wanna slack. The past weeks hasn't been all that busy, but the pace at which things are going is just hard to catch up with. Back in Kranji, there is always the rushing here and there to meet with timing so that things can be done sui sui (bueatifully) and then when it comes to book out, its always rushing home to bathe and reply mails and wreck my heads at work. Gone are the times in which nights off means going to Lot1 or J8 to relac-relac. Haha.

Guess what, I am currently down with both cough and flu. It started off with a tasty concortion of chocolate bars, M&Ms, animal biscuits and potato chips. My voice was sexy since last night...gosh its almost gone now, after 5 platters of black paper chips at alley bar. And then somehow somehow my nose is running all over the place already. Plus, don't forget the embarassing coughs and sneezes that accompanies the combo of sick feeling. Haiz. It better not be too hot or too rainy tomorrow, if not I guess I will really be Att C for outfield on tuesdays.

Haha, the past week had been very fun really except for a spoiler created for me...hough i have been kindly forgiven, I kinda cannot forgive my own imprudence.Tsk! Yup, been going around with this friendly black accent and gestures. Remember the good old days of JC with nafiur nd kamil around. The taps, the yo biiitch, the whatzup! Haha. And now, it has developed into a form of pratice among the specs of Hawk. See how Pang do the black greeting with johnson. ---no racial offense here!

Damn, my throat is beginning to hurt with the coughs already and my eyes are drooping. So tired. Woke up at 4 today. Gotta wake up at 4 again tomorrow. Gosh!!! I can't wait for Atec stage 1 to be over so I can have the well deserved 2 weeks off. Haha. Thats when shuqi will be back. Think the most I can make out of it is to meet her for a day considering our busy schedule. And also, according to the ever busy miss prit, her competitions should be over by then and she will have more free time. Hope all goes well for the next week. Reference: Backdate blog entries of black hawk down. Every move-out should be treated with respect. You never know what can happen in the armour context.

Great, just great

2005-05-27T06:03:00.000-07:00

Since the previous blog entry, I have been....BUSY.
But being busy feels great and fun if you know how to enjoy it. Ok, so much for trying to write a good entry with up to standard english. I will be rushing off for lession in around 10 minutes time so ten minutes is all I have....

It began all well with a Monday morning visit to Sentosa. Somehow, the weather was perfect. Nice sunshine, warm but not hot, well until the later afternoon. The greatest part of it all, haha, guess what. Its been a one year 3 months and 9 days interval since I last saw janice. Yeah!! Felt totally great. And as usual, she is late,but so be it...being late is a ladies job isn't it. Guess I finally learnt to be tolerant with this. She started off with the snort behaviour again...bleah...but soon it was all well and it was great talking with her. Guess she still looks the same, maybe a little prettier haha.

And my week was great till I messed things up with my dear girl in UK again....Haiz...damn me, two out of three conversations with ehr, I mess things up badly. Kaoz, whats wrong with me. Damn it.

Thou shalt be respectful and stay G-rated!!
-promise.

Ok, I am gone.

Whats wrong.....

2005-05-20T04:27:00.000-07:00

with the bloody msn network. I can't sign inon my msn 7.0, i can't login to yahoo. what on earth is happening. Basically, the entire internet experience is unfulfilling. So sian... I believe this entry is gonna end up as a long list of laments and complains. Life is simply not beautiful these days. I need something to make me feel that life is beautiful.

Its all so tiring. Guard 2 on Wed, cos for thurs fri sat sun mon. Waoh. All hail Kelvin The Great. If not for the many articles in straits time warning singaporeans that the blog is not a private space for users to freely speak their mind, I believe I will be giving one times bulgar tongue leashing here. Someone just spoilt the entire of my week with trash. Nevermind. I am a gentleman.Gosh and NDP commitments are really a killer. Next week is gonna be even tougher on all of us. Its gonna be like ROC, SIONG!!! It somehow belittles the thinking that outfield is tough. In the face of sky reaching admin work and endless rehearsals over burnt weekends, outfield is a relaxation. I am so so tired, haven't got a good sleep for days. And I actually woke up late today when I told my man I will bring them for Breakfast. Should find an opportunity to apologise to them. Well, if I want them to adhere to my standards of punctuality I ought to be a prime example for them right. Honestly I guess I have been. Simply too tired today. Should really go say sorry to them. And I think RSM briefing is something I should go everyday. I mean, to listen to the things he say. Most people draw connections between RSM and extras and faktup. Yet today, it dawned on me that there is infact alot to learn from him. His speech skills are formidable for one. On top of that, I felt he has the making of a CEO for IBM. Listening to his management tactics today kinda reminded me of The Big Blue I read some time ago. Afterall, you can't deny the fact that he is extremely experienced. I guess there is alot worth learning from him.

~thats NS~

Came home after lunch today and have been at the computer ever since. Spent hell lot of time reading through two proposals. Quite a lot to learn from it as well.Waoh...learning again...learning everywhere. Haha. Reading is tough, responding to email is even tougher. And while I thought I am done done for the day, I suddenly remembered that I got two other projects with Mr Nittin. Wah!!!!Stress Sia. But its also real cool. Yeah yeah! Maybe I should continue to work on it after blogging. Finally. I am making full use of my time. Finally. This two years is not wasted on enjoyment. Finally. My days are productive. Every single moment of it, I find myself learning. The price, my time and effort. Cheers.

~thats ambition~

... ...I can just sit down at a corner and feel sian. And I know thats called willowing in self-pity.Its pathetic. Someone is forever busy. Someone is forever taken and away. Someone just can't stop dwelling in it despite all the work load that should cover things up. Its a broken link. Something is missing. Its all so strange and I can't explain my mind, my actions and my feelings. I can't explain myself. Still, I know all these will come to pass in time to come. Its just a phase in life.

~thats me~

... ...sunshine, sweat, sand, sea, babes, friends... ...

~thats Sentosa on monday~

Before...

2005-05-14T08:56:00.000-07:00

I start typing away happily, lets pray that this thing won't hang on me again.

Well, I was talking about movies wasn't I. Now 3-iron doesn't follow the standard blockbuster receipe. Much like Nobody Knows, it involves a simple and shallow storyline, thereby allowing the filmatography to portray the uninterrupted beauty of the movie. Whats unique about 3-iron is that there is almost no conversations throughout the movie. Largely due to the fact that the male lead is a mute and the female lead an emotionally traumatized wife. The seemingly nothingness of the guys action brought meaning to the lady's life. It left me with deep feelings. The untoched originality of the movie is hard to comprehend and articulate. I reaches straight into the realm of emotions. Watch it and you will probably get what I mean.

It was a rather busy day for me. The afternoon was spent largely on reply to contacts. Amazingly, the past week have had me not 1 but 4 clients engaging me to assist them in their business developments. I guess I have overcomed the stage of ambitious excitement since the last time a good friend of mine told me I am full of words and lacking on action. Seriously, this time round I ain't looking forward to the profits involved but rather the opportunity to network with people. So its much similar to massive project works for me. Like what I guess I will be expecting from SMU next year. Despite this, it felt really cool when a business man from a company based in Bombay, India called me on my phone while I was in NJ. The feeling of awe is just great. I wonder what I am headed for.Good luck to me.

Speaking of SMU, I just learnt that Manchi is currently study there. Talking to her today after such a long time brings back the beautiful memories of JC and first 3 months. Remember she is one of the crappy ones, not the typical snorty RGS type. Amazing how she has this cutesy tone and bumpy behaviour which really conceals her age.

And true indeed, I got to relive the JC life for a moment today when I went back to NJ with Reuben and Guojun. Its college day. Thought and felt I was quite old already and the people all around were like kids. Met yuwen. And it was finally time for her to meet Guojun. Haha. Wonder what will come out of this. And of course, I got to see wong's cousin YiFang again. She isn't the chio heart-throb kind of girl to have an instant crush on. There is just something about her thats impressive and admirable. I almost wasted away when she left for the performance. Wanted to ask for her number.She is worth it. Good thing guojun gave it to me reluctantly but I heard he told her not to reply. Hmm.... ....Am I really such a jerk? Maybe I should ask yuwen to keep messaging guojun in return. Haha.

Geezz, I am really getting tired. NDP rehearsal starts next week so I will be much more busy. But it feels great. And today, Janice is back. Have not contacted her as yet, thought I should give her some time to rest least she blast at me for no good reason. Its just her. Wonder if she bought me my southern comfort. Chances are...hmmm....no I guess. She's never been nice to me...tsst...If she did, haha I told Ben I jia kei ta.

So much for a saturday. Good night to Kelvin

2005-05-13T22:23:00.000-07:00

I remembered how the previous sunday began with a beautiful morning shower. It revitalised the land and revitalised the tired soul in me. Well it happened again today. Beuatiful it was. But terrible it is. I woke up with an hour to spare before my final theory test. Rushed through my morning routine and stepped out of the house. To my greatest horrow, it was raining madly. Dad was sleeping so it was up to me to get to the driving centre myself. It dawned on me that everytime I have a theory test to take, some hurdles will be there blocking my path. So there I was, trapped under the shelter of a HDB block. The bus stop isn't far away. One final dash through the rain will have me in the bus stop finally if i survive the traffic. I was already wet after a few attempts to beat the rain. So it was all cold for me. It reminded me of one of my earlier entries about victories. No worries were present as I was far too confident I would make it-confidence from the previous episode.

I got there in time. Well infact I was early and so spent some time waiting in cold shivers. The test sort of began rather smoothly but I soon began to feel sick. It wasn't the cold. Rather, its the questions. Seems like what I studied didn't apply. Someone told me the questions will all be from the TYS. Neh. How on earth am I supposed to know if I should drive across an oil patch or route it. Nevermind I guess. Geez, I hope I don't fail again.

Some recap on the week. The true meaning of 41SAR surfaced in light of its visionary spirit. Singapore Allohah Resort. Daily routine involves waking up, breakfast in the canteen if its not time for lunch yet. A game of RISK world domination or two. Dinner. Nights off. Back to chalet for some PS2 action. Play risk again till 5am in the morning. Sleep. And wake up 4pm the next evening. Evening run to tan and boost my stamina. Back to chalet for some PS2 action again. Risk again. And the seemingly unrealistically fun 30 hour cycle of camp life repeats itself. Plus, the chalet is free and comes with free food and daily newspaper. Gosh, am I really serving the army.AHah. Who cares.

I watched a couple of movies on VCD over the week. 3-iron was among the best I watched. I have watched Hotel Rwanda before and it was the eighth time I watch Tears of the Su

Kanni Nah
I wrote with such profound english for the past half an hour and this cock up blog give me this cock up shit. this is all they can recover? What the fuck!I am not gonna type again
Kao

Evolution

2005-05-13T08:30:00.000-07:00

Just gotta watch Kingdom of heaven. And realised that its a religious harmony show. Somehow, I think we all agree with it, just that we miss practising them in daily life. Am I right? ANyway. Why be all so serious with a blog. Below is some entertainment for a nice friday night blogging session.

The following is a brief history of time. A chornicle of wars fought.

A few hundred years B.C.
The empire of Greece. The Greeks fought many wars and conquered many land. Their empire expanded towards Africa where the egyptian empire yielded. Objective was to round up the barbarians and make them civilised.

Until a few hundred years AD.
Rise and fall of the spanish and roman empire. They too tried to win over the tribes and establish an empire. While the spanish empire expanded towards asia, the roman empire went towards Africa. War was fought for pure expansionist ideas and to bring upon prosperity and growth to fill the generals' coffers.

Begin the Dark Age.1000++ AD
Fall of the many great empires started off the dark age. Where crusades were led by religious leaders to convert those of a different faith. At that period of time, the gods were sleeping so they left man to kill each other while they try to call upon armargeddon. Somehow, somewhere down the timeline,man decided to stop being stupids and they learnt to fight for wealth instead. Different religions learnt to live together.

Rise of the Powers
1400 to 1900 ++ AD
Man finally understood that the pen is mightier than the sword. So they started conquering land with pen and paper. That was the beginning of the colonial powers. Great countries sent their man to unchartered grounds to colonised new land. With the industrial revolution, guns and cannons and steam engines brought about new warfare techniques. Much employed by the british and the dutch.

Modern Era
With too much land and lack of resources, the world powers came into conflicts in the 2 highly acclaimed world war. They also learnt how to form alliance with people of different race, language and religion. It was a century of warfare over ideologies.With the end of the 2 world wars, the super powers went into a century of quiet peace. Meanwhile, cocksters in some conutries continue to fight over trivial issues such as gene-lines, race, religion and politics. The superpowers learnt to watch and not intervene because its more profitable to sell weaponaries. Watch the countries destroy itself in civil world, move in and install a new regime. That was their new working principal. They also learnt to gang bang small countries by forming coalitions. Super powersare now no longer limited by countries. The true meaning of nation without borders came about with the formation of the EU, G-7, UN, Asean and Nato.

Dawn of the Space Age 2100++AD
With the completion of the human space programme led by NASA, man established settlements in space. However, conflicts arised and war was fought between the nations of earth and the Space federation. This mark the beginning of the Gundam Era.The coalitions of earth finally stopped their trivia conflicts with each other. Now its earthlings vs Space Cowboys.

ET comfirmation 2200++AD
An attack was launched on humans when bugs from an unknown meteor started attacking. The earth alliance and space federation allied to form a strong force of Starship troopers. They started killing bugs. Man have now comfirmed the existence of ET and leart to be united as Terrans.

Attack of the Muriandies and Shivans
It was freespace warfare when Muriandies from a nearby star started attacking us the Terrans. The NTF Neo Terran Front was thus formed to repel the alien invasion. The great was lasted for almost a century. Humans first voyage to a near by star was accomplished by interstella space warps. As the Great war drew near, an unknown species know as the Shivans started attacking both the NTF and the Muriandies. So they learnt to ally and fight their common enemy. In one of the biggest projects ever, the NTS Collosus was built to repel the attack of the shivans. In one of the greatest space battles ever, the worm hole to planet earth collapsed cutting us from our home system.

Intergallatic Age. The star wars.
And hence man drifted further and further away from the stars and reached other galaxies. They colonised stella systems with diplomacy if not brute force and formed The Federation. An opposition branched off due to trade and political conflicts to form the republic. So it now became terrans+humans vs Terran+humans. The legendary Jedi Knights were born. This marked centuries of warfare until...

The Universal Studio
...man achieved time warp technologies and decided to travel back in time as messiahs to forever change history. They went back to the modern age where they gathered some Howitzers, M1A1 Abrams and B2 bombers before going back to the time 0000. They found the technology super useful as a few Abrams was enough to defend a city against hundred of thousands of horsemen and pikemen.

but...

Universal soldier
In the time travel, they actually stumbled into 2 paralled universe. Lifeforms from the 3 universes clash in conflicts forming the NUS (Nexus Univeral Soldier), NTU (Neo terran Universe) and the SMU (Sid Meier's universe). Fearing that the link between the 3 universe may collapse andbring upon instability to the 3 universes, the 3 Alliance agreed to send me and 2 of my clones back to the time 0000 as the second messiah
In the NUS, I was called allah. In the NTU, i was given the name haleluya and in SMU a technical glitched trigger a massive global destruction on earth(yes we used time travel to get back to earth). It was called the second destruction. I came in the form of Adam and fought huma driven robots known as EVAs. Some scientist from the organisation NERV tried to restart everything. Well he suceeded using the power of ADAM and so here we are now.Yeah

Piece of crap. What rubbish. Hey but its true isn't it. That only when man realise that they are under a common threat facing a common enemy, do they learn to cast aside their minute differences and stand together. Well someone said I have a mind of fantasy and imagination. Guess its not that bad afterall.

Fizz me

2005-05-08T03:40:00.000-07:00

Fizz Me
1/2 shot cointreau
1 shot cranberry
ice
top with soda water
optional:Add strawberry ice cream

Made that earlier on and marvelled at the beauty of the drink. Its so nice. With a layer of deep pink at the bottom, visible ice cubes spirally stacking on top of each other, efferversence of the soda water topping up to a think layer of pinkish snowy strawberry ice cream. Wah!!! I took a picture of it. But the picture sucks cos my web cam is of rather low resolution. Can someone try making it and then post the picture online for everyone?
Anyway, its a rather girly drink I guess. Made it out of inspiration from something i drank in Bangkok. Yar. Its very lightly alcoholic. You only taste the sweetness of the strawberry and a lettle sour from the cranberry juice. Plus of course, the frangance of orange. Wao. Should make it again with orange sobet. Eh spelling check?

Well, according to plan I should have been drawing today but somehow I ended up watching more tv instead. The day started off with the great beauty of nature. It was a mere shower initially. The symphony of raindrops woke me up a tad. I reached for the window with my lazy arms and slide it open. Too tired to marvel at the beauty of the rain, I return to sleep. But soon as my eyes closed, I could hear the rain building up. In my half awake state of mind, I remember the days in which I would just sit on my table by the window and stare at the endless torrents. Its always a sight to behold, somehow I just love it. I remember how a sudden gust of wind will sprinkle a burst of magical coldness against my face. It just takes everything off and allows the heart to lie stark naked and relaxed in a cool moisturized domain. Then while I was indulging in the beauty of it all, my mom came in and closed all the windows. But soon as she left, I opened it again. Haha. I thought alot. Thought about the people in my life. How I have never appreciated them. How I have missed alot of opportunities with alot of people. But thats the way life is isn't. Things come and go. And its always absence that makes the heart grows fonder.

Somehow my mood is rather light now. Guess its a good thing. Waoh, I just found a shop in IMM that sells alot of Cds. Alot of great movies that I wanna buy. But no money for now. Though its pay day, I had negative savings last month. Spent far too much. Think I ate $200 into my savings. Sob.

Speaking of IMM, I just went to this restaurant call baystreet. Guess when I last visited the place? Heh heh. Memories of a great date that I screwed up badly. Damn stupid then. Haiyo. But even such memories are fun to re-live.

Hmm...what a day. Wonder whats up for me in the week to come. A little stressful....hmm...

???Whats happening

2005-05-07T09:20:00.000-07:00

Somehow, the transition between webpages in my comp is the fade right transition as used in Siow Ween's blog. Gosh, its affecting my comp now. Haha. Why, its a nice animation so its ok. Wah seems like ween's laughters are contagious. And laughters makes you forget all the sorrows in your mind.
Was sitting in the back seat on the way back just now. Been a long time since i last sat at the back with my 2 sisters. Guess I really love them. They are my sisters right? And its real nice to talk cock and laugh along with them. All the sighs just seem to erode into wonderful laughters. HAHA.
I spent quite a deal of time talking with `rain the night before. I haven't been talking much with her for good reasons. Well, I still do try to talk with her but its rather difficult these days cos of certain internal conflicts going on within me. But, I know I cannot and will never ignore her. Its just unfair to her anyway. Something about how trying to be a hero is crap. Anyway, its really rather useless coming clean with these things cos it ain't a misunderstanding or what. Nothing can be done about it. Infact, I guess being frank just causes stress. And its pointless. Why would I wanna do that. Knowing her nature, I knew I must never ever tell her certain things. But well, I guess she pushed it and I spilled it all out last night. She is happy now and I just want things to remain the way it is. I don't want anything about me to affect her. It sucks. But still, haiz, I hope she bears certain nonchalence towards me. So that after all that I have said last night, she just treat it as rubbish from me and cast it away and continue her happy life in a world separate from mine. I rather it be a case of "I have had enough from you and can't be bother with you anymore" then all the "sorry...blah blah blah". Haiz...but who knows. Maybe if I continue to stress her with all this stuff, she will soon turn her back to me. Ram. Talking like a kid already. Haiz, still this is just a passing phase of life, will get over it eventually and things will straighten out. Just require endurance. Aiya, who knows what on earth may happen the next time I return to camp. Who knows what will happen tomorrow. Just enjoy life. It ain't all about these shit.
Started off rather early today. Went to sentosa and saw this damn damn damn chio girl. Wah, I guess she is really worth it. Worth going up to her. Even if I kanna slapped its worth it I guess. Gosh!!!! I am mesmerized. Haiz...this kind of things also guo yan yun yan one. Pass eye cloud smoke. See also for a moment's shuang. Later know already get into more trouble. My present state is quite pathetic already. Must avoid all additional problems. The weather was a matter of mood swing today. Its so damn sunny and hot but at a far corner, I could see the dark clouds clustering. Saw wanyun and ah goh (again) haha. Well, seems like I got some anti tanning agents in my blood stream, I don't turn very red despite all the tanning. Well, my skin colour is really very nice now. I hope I will never lose it. PLease!!! Think if i keep moisturising my skin I won't peel. Should try. Yeah yeah. Peng shan man. That girl really damn chio leh. And according to observation she should be JC. Gosh!!!Chio bu....Sometimes I hope this type of chio girls wil just come and try themselves at me. Heh heh. Then no need to put in any effort or do anything. Isn't such a world wonderful.*Mersmerized*
Went pass SMU today and saw that the building is really quite nice. Hmm, looking forward to studying there. Should be nice yeah. Unless of course I go DB then die die must study overseas. Well, then my dream of studying neuroscience will be fulfilled. Or if no money also not bad. Can start working already. Speaking of SMU. I can't wait for Janice to come back. OK partly its because I am praying day in day out she will buy southern comfort for me. But also, I haven't seen her in ages. Later suay suay she come back with my southern comfort then I SOL!!! Then I can neither see her or my comfort!!!! Arrrgggggg!!!! Worst thing is that she is only coming back on the 14th. Following that, will be busy with NDP all the way every weekend. Wah, that girl better be an angel for once and buy me the comfort. All along whatever she said she want, even if she is only joking I will also get for her. Hmm...if she don't....haiz.....sobz.........
And yeah...I just shifted all my liquors into my room in a tiny little corner. With my present range of glasses, it makes a neat and adequate bar. Hmm...I like it.
Just wonder if I will be back next week.... I wanna meet up with janice man. Its been so long, stupid girl always busy. Eh wait a minute, that girl is damn smart....not stupid at all. Hmm, long time no see already will think to think of her a little.... southern comfort................

Blog

2005-05-06T07:26:00.000-07:00

I recently read on FHM that if you blog, you are pathetic for a guy. Neh. Under my present situation, this blog space of mine is probably the only way I can leak word on how bad it is. Well except probably Wong and Reuben. Maybe the earlier statement makes one pathetic. Good thing I have great friends around me. Oh and Punkster as well.
Last night, I tossed around in bed from 930 till almost 11 I guess, feeling all terrible.I guess the specs of Hawk have heard me sigh and huff for no reasons. No reason isn't accurate actually. Theres much to it, just that few know and I don't express myself well through words...My misery follows in the footsteps of my memory and my plight paves its path ahead of me. I guess the word 'faktup' isn't a very nice word to use in my blog anymore.Its all rammedup.
Those in camp should know how rammedup my case is. By right, I shouldn't even be at home, happily blogging away. I should be serving the second day of my SOL. Those who don't know, I should have been charged 7 days Stoppage of Leave. I went to look for OC yesterday all ready in my smart 4 ready to take order. Guess what OC tell me : "There is now a complication, the guy from falcon, CO wants to put him in DB. So you are being implicated as well" follow up conversation reveals that I am not being put on charged yet because CO hasn't passed down the verdict, it ranges from going to DB (Detention Barrack) to stripping me of Rank or Appointment. OK fine, what concerns me isn't the book out. Nor is it the tragedy of being put behind bars. What it implicates is my future!!! Be it 1 day or 28 days, its gonna be a black mark that will go down my records. Would I still be able to go to university? 7 days in DB is all it takes to disqualify me from any local Uni. 1 day in DB is all it takes to demerit me from a potential scholarship or the prospect of service the Police Force. Damn I don't mind trying DB 7 or 28 days, I checked it out it isn't that bad really. Its just the ram record thats potentially gonna screw my future. And ramming amazingly, I am still taking it likely. Amazingly, I can still joke about it. WHY!? Cos I seriously don't mind. If going to DB can brainwash me from all thats troubling me. Can make me forget about all the rammed up things in life, I ramming don't mind. Even if it means my future is screwed. Ram my future. I can always go try to serve in the French Foreign Legion. Which infact quite meaningful a chapter in life would make. Ultimately, I don't even think about this whole issue of SOL or DB. Cos its the least of my worry. Why!?? Read on.
I look at my bank account and I feel totally Rammed up as well. Gosh this is just a minor nothing. $318.19. What the. I just feel rammed up.
And this. This that follows is probably the most funny rammed up case I can imagine. And its actually happening in real life. Home. Sometime i rather stay in the cells of the DB, or report to DO every few hours then to come home. SOP, niam niam niam. This is all I get every friday when I step how. What the ram. But todays different. Earlier on, I have told my mother that I won't be coming back this weekend. I came back eventually. And I can't imagine which cock brain can come up with the reason as such

"Your officer not punishing you because he knows it mothers' day (Ram you!), so he let you come home. You know in singapore valentine day or whatever day also not as big as mother day (what the ram!?). You don't believe, ah your punishment will be on vesak day instead (I will be ramming happy to get SOL on vesak day.)"

Is this some kind of ramming joke? This is probably dramatic irony at the extreme.
"Army so what, mother biggest ok (i know u want to be big!)"

~Unbreak my heart~
How many times in a day do I sigh in pain thinking about you? You are not the only one who wish that we can still laugh and talk about everything under the sun. If I could, I would want to forget about all I said before you left. I wanna forget all the feelings i have for you. Because its sucks! The only reason why the only words I say are yaya okok haha its because I am lost for words. How do you expect me to tell you about my sleepless nights when I think of u? About how my heart aches when ever i think of US? About how depressed abt the situation between us? I don't want you to know all this. Thats why I acting the way I am now. Thats why I am lost for words. I can't tell you the truth and I don't wanna avoid you or the situation. It then reduces everything to these.........

Damn...now I understand FHM. Words like this in a guys blog is ramming pathetic!

Fickle Ironies

2005-05-04T05:09:00.000-07:00

This is kinda a special blog entry for me cos...eh...lets just say the tempo in my life has changed a little over the past few days. For this entry, I shall break it up into various 'stories' instead of numerous long paragraphs that don't make a connection when put together as in earlier entries.

Take-off
Sunday night was a great one. It always feels good to fly isn't it? Even though its on a plane. Pang and I met up at the airport for a chop chop departure. Guess the two of us look like we were going for special training in Crescendo eh. Haha.Well, two guys of our age travelling alone always seem suspicious. Like CIA agents going through the custom off for some unfamiliar grounds. If only I had a nice long suitcase with me. It will be more fun. As if carrying a piece of dismantle weapon. Well, the real fun thing is that I am travelling on my own for the first time and its amzing to travel on your own money. You feel no restrictions chaining you down, no inner guilt about spending your parents money. Every cent spent is hard earned money. Derived from digging mud slums, washing a muddy vehicle, sweating under your green and black camo, running till you drop across the SOC ground, feeling fed-up with your man's attitude, enduring the tiresome night with drooping eyes. It all came down to this: Fly off in a jet plane. Enjoy the cold beer and wine onboard. Take your clothes off and dive into the cold bed in your hotel room. Spring onto the streets of bangkok at 12pm to shop. Shop and bargain and spend like you never spend before. It all feels great. I felt like NS never existed. Felt like I have ord-ed (ok long way to go). Felt like I am free to do anything I want. Felt like I am on top of the world and can do anything. Felt like...felt like...I can just be happy and relaxed. The first night, and we were already shopping till 2 am when all the night markets closed. Took a break at some street-side cafe and had what was called a flaming sunset at 150 baht. Hey thats dirt cheap for a cocktail you know. The theres the beer and the good night sleep with no buzzing sound by the ear. With no one tapping away on the keyboard playing yahoo games at 3am to disturb your sleep.

~Inner soul paradise~

Fickle Ironies
Bangkok is not just about shop-till-you-drop. Well, its true we shopped till we were rather shag. Legs tired from all the walking; all the perspiration under the kelvin knows what temperature and humidity level; the endless bargaining top slash prices by minimum 30%. Haha. We woke up at around nine and had a damn full international buffet complimentary for the hotel stay. Idea was to skip lunch and spend more time shopping. We covered the major areas for shopping. Bayok, silom MBK etc etc. The thing is time seems to pass so slowly even though we were enjoying. We even had time to go back to the hotel at 5 plus where we slept and recharged for night life. Haha, evening naps for an oversea trip...hmm...kinda unusual. Our rationale was that the trip is about relaxing. Will do anything thats relaxing even if it means sleeping the entire day away. Bought hell lot of things and spent most of the money on the first day. NIght life began and we went to shop again along the street stalls. Interesting thing I saw was that they simply lay a piece of cloth on the ground, display their items and its a shop. A simple trade isn't it. The weather was damn hot even at night and we took every opportunity to stop by 7-11s for the free air-con and buy a drink or two. It then upgraded to hotel hopping. Instead of 7-11s, we stopped by various hotels such as intercontinental just to sit at their lobby and relax. Theres one thing I saw that really breaks off from the relax and play mindset. Beggars line the street. You see them at almost every junction, the stairs of every flyover, outside every major building. Some aparrently have a missing arm or two; some have no legs, some carry in their arm a naked toddler. What really makes this whole issue an irony is that on your right is a burrberry outlet and on your left, someone begging for just a coin. Walk along the street markets and you see people wearing simple t-shirts trying to sell you their stuff for another 10 20 more bahts. Step into the many many shopping centres and you see sales girl in suits and nice makeups selling branded stuff for 10 15 thousand. The line between the rich and the poor is so damn extreme I couldn't understand why.

~poverty is unsolvable~

So easy
It so easy to get laid in bangkok. Infact, its very common to see man in their 50s arm wrapped around a 20 yr old whore. Its just plain obvious these guys are tourist. With wifes at home and childrens our age. Damn. What on earth is wrong with these people. And then there are the freaking transvasites. Gosh. Whats wrong with these 'guys'. I seriously wonder what they are thinking and why the hell tthey are doing all these to their lifes. And for the uninitiated, theres NS in thailand as well. 18 year old guys gotta serve in the army. Pang the cock thought its compulsary for them to serve as monk. Haha. Back to the topic. Why then are there so many transvasites and gays. I think the gays who work at the pubs are simply saving up to go for a sex change job. Oh my....puke. And they tug and pull you. Damn, thats grose. I formulated a theory to explain why. The more gu niang guys are those who are damn afriad of serving the army. Plus, in thaliand females have an obvious advantage in making money. PLus the poverty situation, these gu niang guys first become gays to save up for sex change. After which, they go work in places like Queens Castle III. Guys guys. Those of you serving NS now, esp the more gu niang ones, thank the Govt. of The Republic of Singapore for putting you through NS if not DB even if you are comfirm gay. If not, gosh, you will probably end up eh....$40. By the way, don't even think about selling yourself to Thailand. The rate there is lower. 499baht(S$20) for a job; 999 baht takeaway ie to your client's hotel.Bo Hua. Interesting thing I saw is that there are different ways to sell yourself. You can either be a puke fuck whore, fish or pole dancer. Below is an analytical breakdown of the different ways.
The whores just sit pretty outside their clubs(some really quite chio) and a pimp will help you with the la1 ka4. They show you the rate and do all the advertising.
For the fishes, I believe you just sit in a fish tank and wait for some filthy old man to call for your number.
For the pole dancers, you dance in luminous bikinis on a stage in groups of about 10. You too have a number. When new guests come, someone will designate them with a laser pointer. A waitress, usually old, fat and ugly will come to you and ask if you want drinks and girls. You can call for their number at anytime and they will come sit with you. All these are reflected in the receipt. You can also takeaway for the night.
Oh please. For all the dirty old desperate bastards reading this, think thrice. For all you know, once the panties off, you see a dick. Gosh, you will fee...f**keeeeddd. Theres just no way to tell if a lady is genuinely a lady. Even if she is really a she, gosh, Kelvin knows which guy of which race from which country with which kinda STD has laid her before. May kelvin bless you.

~Whats wrong with these people~

Drug Lords
Ever watched hollywood drug movies? With typical blacks from africa, central america gathering in some asian country for a deal. So we were in BK drinking. These 2 blacks we sitting opposite us. One was speaking some giberrish languang with great hand actions talking over a handphone. Thats the boss. Beside him is his super sidekick. From my deduction, they are startups. Managed to smuggle a small amount of drugs in and were about to sell it when something cock up. Haha. Wah then there is this talk about more and more balcks gathering around...hmm... for a meeting. So with reference to the above. GUess we look like CIA tracking down some startup drug lords. haha.

~I also wanna sell drugs~

Comeback time
Haha, I bought not just one but two bottles of liquere. Now I have go cointreau and citron. Yeah yeah. Dear janice in europe, please do get me a souther comfort *blink blink*. Haha got a auntie to buy for me. Kao, she went to russia, scandinavia, scotland etc etc. How shuang. I also want. Kao, should have bought the air guns, air shot gun and air M14A1 la. Police never even check me. Wah, I should have just bought 2 more bottles of liquere from thailand duty free and happily walk through the custom la. Kao they never check!!!!

~Wasted~

Feel Sad
Why, why, why all feels so fucked up after I watched a walk to remember. Why why why!!!!! Haiz........I am sad. Heng now I got SOL to help me cover up abit.

~Just sad~

Nobody knows

2005-05-01T01:57:00.000-07:00

Was watching the movie for the past hour. Its just so nice. Unlike typical hits that follow a dramatic storyline and feture a cast of highly acclaimed actors and actress, this is a totally different movie. There is no central plot that runs through it and he main characters are kids. There is no drama, no upbeats, just pure story telling that is close to reality it feels warm. Thats what makes it beautiful. 4 innocent kids aged 5 to 12, sharing a commom mom but different dads. They are happy from the start, no painful reminders of their paternal difference. Watching them engage in their daily mundane activities, pursueing their interest, you can sense the love and bond that holds them together as they meet with crisis. The disappearance of their mom. And mom loved all of them. They were, no are one happy family even without a dad. And in this movie, Akira who is only 12 plays a central role in keeping his siblings happy, protecting their innocent view of the world from reality. I don't wanna spoil this movie. Its too good. Watch it and you will feel it right down there in your heart.

Saturday Night Fettish

2005-04-30T07:39:00.000-07:00

A revamped blog...hee. Somehow this computer is strange. I shall reblog when I get home.

Well...poof...now I am home. Woke up with lazy eyes this morning. Was suppossed to meet pang earlier but I decided to have lunch with my parents first. Then I went to extend my passport at ICA. The queue seemed astonishing at first. 258 people before me. However, it soon occured to me that the service was highly efficient and I got my ass off ICA within an hour. So I headed towards chinatown to settle stuff foe my trip. Slashed $500 from my OCBC account. Gosh....that means I have ZERO savings for the month of April. Initially, I thought I could save some $400 this month cos my spendings were strictly limited to under 70 per week. Seems like all efforts wasted.But never mind, it feels kinda great to happily spend what you earn. Afterall, life isn't all about how much assests and money you have. Its about all your experience and meaningful events that highlight your life.

It had been a terribly busy week and so today was a breather for me at last. Went to town after that where we all played pool. And then ben and wong were shopping around for some mothers day present. It then dawn on me that mother's day is next weekend.Yes!heng ah, I SOL. Had a rather nice dinner of sambal dory fish fillet. I can go on eating it forever I guess. Its just so delicious.

On my way to my grandparent's house, I had a wonderful opportunity for networking at a newly opened restaurant. Damn, I should have made myself some name cards. Its all about making connections when the opportunity knocks. Wasted. But its ok...I have all the time in the world.

Haiz...my mother is damn irritating. Keep barging into my room. WTF.

...some nice music and some freetime had me getting in touch with the emotional side of me. Was rather sad.Haiz......nevermind.Sad also no use. Might as well be happy over the fact that I am gonna have hell of a good time for the next week and weeks. yeah yeah!

......................................sad.

Arrrggg

2005-04-29T09:11:00.000-07:00

It will take a connection between minds to elaborate how I am feeling now. All terrible. I wish I just book in now and start my SOL right off for 14 days. Book out for my FTT just in time at least. Gosh. I wonder how much more of this I have to endure before my night comes to a shady end with my pseudo sleeptime. Pseudo, because no one knows when on earth my mother will just bam her way into my room and disturb the peace. Its time I start to think. Do parents barge into their childs room in the deep of the night and wake them up with verbal trash? Yes, I am indirectly saying that she speask trash. I have got a tonne more stuff to write here in this blog but it seems like SOP that my mom dominates the beginning of almost every friday night blog. Well, I spent like half an hour blogging in INET yesterday but like all times, the bloody comp just had to hang on me when I click the publish button.
All seems wrong this week. From last sunday, things have been climing towards a FUCKEDUP situation which kinda climaxed on WED. Sunday had mark coming to my house to watch Hotel Rwanda. It was a great movie no doubt. The way they portray the tutsi rebels with heroic ethics was simply skillful. It was artistically romantic. Teck Chew wanted to meet for dinner so the 3 of us spent some time talking cock in BK. That leads me to remember that my tongue is still hurting badly cos I bit my tongue so hard last sunday it was bleeding quite badly. Warning everyone. Never ever speak bad of anybody when you are eating. Consequences...well...ouch my tongue. The night carried on with watching I do I do again and Chew spent the night over at my place. Slept at like 230 and still managed to wake up for book in at 6 the next morning.

Tuesday. Doomsday.

Nick Pang had to settle his 4NTM vehicle so I willingly took over his duty as COS. Helping someone da duty isn't much of a chore really. Afterall, we gotta learn to help each other right? There is no such thing as being selfish in this world. Guess that was a blessing in disguise. I should have just been a goody two shoe COS and read newspaper in the office. Well, the office aircon was spoilt in the morning and there were hell lot of stupid errands landing on me in the morning so I made the decision to go wash my vehicle as well. Bad move. I was COS, but I went to wash my BX and got all muddy and wet. Got my boots all soaked. Went to dig mud slum and clear the washing bay of mud. Sounds like banglah work? Neh. And while I was getting my vehicle back into my parking lot, it happened. No rear guide...well, who uses a rear guide!? My vehicle, my cage, collision. Typical story. The worst part about it all was that those bloody glory regulars simply had fucking nothing to do. For no reasons, they just had to gather round like it was a major crime scene and announce it at the top of their volume to the whole world. It seemed very much an extreme case of xia lan. And it was only a minor collision. My basket was dented all along. The concrete on the cage structure was so thin I could use a hammer to wack out the same kind of cracks. Still, the had to blow it up. FUCKERS.

Wednesday. Climax.

Tuesday sounds bad? Well, I got through it and informed my PC and PS. I had plaster with me and so I liased with Dy S4 to allow me to mend the thing back while I skip the statement. I went to the "Crime Scene" again and saw that it was only a 5-10 minutes work. Went on to check my OVM. To my horror, I realised: The bloody FMT broke open my vehicle to check my turret system. Thats ok. Whats no, they left it open. And I had at least 50 K worth of OVM in my vehicle. They left it open to be raped. I wonder how many people actually went up and down and into my vehicle happily taking pictures to blow up the accident during CO conference. I had all 3 track guides missing, my slave cable gone, my GPMG pintle no where to be found. What worst nightmare can happen to a VC!!!!! I swear to Kelvin that if I happen to go to the shed a tad earlier and saw those fuckers poking their nose around my vehicle, I would have put my sledge hammer and machete(parang in a civilised english) to good use. Regulars. Spit. If ever the red button is pressed, I will shoot this fuckers with my 40AGL and 50HMG personally. Try to imagine how much my blood was boiling and how fucked up my heart was. It seemed that bad things just keep rolling in.
With CO conference over, OC called for a commander's meeting and I knew I was in for it. Remember all the photos? I ain't sore here. This is what my PS said. These people cuch as fucking Cpt Ivan, they ain't gonna survive anymore years in the army if they don't blow up nifty trivias to lick CO's boot. If I had a camera 2 weeks back, I would have captured how warrant yan destroyed an idler wheel with a 'repair method' in breech of TSR. And how did ITF(Ivan The Fuck) cover it all, TSR.
Well, gotta take responsibilities for my actions afterall. I ought to have a rear guide while reversing. I didn't. It was a decision I made and now that things happened, I gotta face the music. Nothing to be ashamed of, nothing to hide from. Its my fault, I accept my punishment. Not because it will aid some career sluts but because I am responsible for my own actions. With dead firm eyes, I yes sir yes sir to OC's words "You will be punished. I will charge you." Ok. Home is much a worst place afterall. You who have been keeping in tune with this blog here should know. But still, I felt terribly guilty. Having been a commander for six months, I know its never easy for one to punish his surbordinates. It never feels good. I don't know how OC felt then but I believe he didn't feel good at all. Who would want such things to happen. And worst of all, PC and PS who have been rather nice to me got screwed by OC...because of me.Guilty. Years back when read To Kill A Mockingbird, I learnt one thing. When you respect someone, you will want to leave the best impression. You would not want to disappoint him. You will not want him to ever get sad or angry about you. Such is the case. Cpt Casey is a respectable officer. One among few.Fucking few. So... soon I will be reporting to DO every few hours. Damn bad on my reputation as a commander. Bad on my pride as well wor. Haiz.
Hey hey. This didn't end Wed you know. I carried on desparately to look for my OVM and found that Glory specs were responsible for stealing my GPMG pintle. Whats wrong with them!? And my slave cable? All this crashing down on me in one day really gave me hell lot of a depressed mood. The SOL by then had became the least of my worries. And to top it up, my mother had to call me at night and asking about stupid things. As if I have not got enough trouble to haldle.Haiz. I felt rotten to the core.

Thursday turned out better but the man were really trouble makers with their ill attitude. And Noel Chia, haha cockster. Demanded me to clear the SOC ground of man so that he could cheat. Do you all get my point here. SAF regulars, well...the majority of them... are useless. Useless. In actual fact, I guess a hell lot of them would have been dismissed because they can't clear SOC IPPT. Bloody maggots. They can't be bother with their personal attitude as the soldier and they want to sign on? And they want to push their weight around? And what, NOEL being among the top 4 armour specs? Haha, I spat at him on the SOC ground. Regulars! NEH!

Friday was not bad except for the fact that I was slower than my fellow 40/50 friends from other companies. Didn't do my company proud. Infact, I felt rather sorry for the disappointed look on my men's face.

Wah...seh...what a long blog entry. Doubt anyone will read the full thing. I still got stuff to do and its already 1 plus. Looking forward to a bangkok trip. Gotta go type some stuff for my new biz idea. haha. Thats all, folks.

Visionage

2005-04-24T04:03:00.000-07:00

Off with an early start. Kinda dragged myself out of bed early at 7a.m.. Had a typical breakfast of egg and bread before I had my driving lesson. Was quite sian and tired today which explained my initial ill driving. Couldn't even park the car well. Had no problems with parking the first time I did it. Should be quite familiar with it now but somehow I just couldn't get it right.Nah...who cares. Came home before anyone wake up so it was some quiet time for me. Went into some action with my new business plan.Hmm...Well just for fun, to kill time you see. And then it was up to me to solve the trojan horse problem on MSN. Well, lirui helped me quite alot help. Now I have got two antivirus software running simultaneously.

Went for lunch an Mayim at westmall. Been wanting to check out that restaurant cos my friends have told me about a chio bu working there. Well...yeah yeah...enjoyable meal. Haha. Somemore my type. *smirk on my face* Went shopping for cocktail ingredients again. I guess I am kinda well stock up on non-alcoholic ingredients. Mini bar should be up soon as I get a rack and a small table into my room. Tried to coax janice into buying southern comfort for me...wonder if she would. There wasn't much of a conversation online so I went to my parents room(one in a very long time) to watch vcd. Thats minus the comfort of my room's sofa but still, yup it was quite a pleasure watching I do I do.

Takeaway:

Sharon Au:Name?
Mark Lee: Ah ong
s: ah ong dia yi long
m: si ah ong finance. wu register one ok its ah ong finance, I got register one ok
s: orh orh.
m: kua kua cross cross-the cheque
s:orh orh
m: lim beh wu tak cheh eh ok. cao cao bum wu A level. Ang mo geai A1 eh. I have got A Level background. GP A1. Don't joke around.

That loan shark reminds me of the chiberlised beng much characterised by Wong and me.Hmm.. They should make Hokkien a third language in SLP (special language program)schools and give scholarships to study hokkien in Xiamen. Afterall its also chinese culture what. I think can have Hokkien literature as well. Like the CLit offered in schools.

Singapore ren kou wu si ba ban. Kao ji bua si da boh. chun neng ba ban si za bor. Ji bua shi lao eh ga sueh eh.Chun ji ba ban. Ji bua si gao yin liao. Chun gor zhap ban. gor eh wu ji eh si sui eh. SangApor cao cao bun wu zhap gui ban eh qui za bor. An zua bo ji eh si wa eh za bor peng you.

~ti gong bo bi~

Haha.Hokkien in blog...hmm...thats a first. I think next time when I ord and go to uni, I will go and make ang gong. Drive car to school come out wear singlet and shorts. Go run with ang gong on my back. Haha. One times AA.

Went to watch Coach Carter with Reuben and his friends as well. Such inspiring shows are never a waste of time. Don't want to spoil the movie here. Go on, catch it. Its worth it.

~I came to teach boys. And you became man~

FuckedUp Theory

2005-04-23T09:50:00.000-07:00

I was feeling all ok the entire day. Thats despite the fact that I spent an entire afternoon trying to get rid of the trojan horse that was haunting my MSN Messenger. And then Wong and I were talking about our life from where the fucked up theory arised. Eversince that conversation, I have been feeling-Fucked. I don't want to grow old and fat and end up as a lau kok kok!!!!

My eyes are actually drooping right now as my fingers inch their way around the keyboard. The ride home on 77 was sending me to slumberland and I thought the fisrt thing I would do when I get back is reach for my bed. But as usual, here I am. Somehow 77 sends me back in time, for a peek into beautiful memories. Well, I am too tired to talk about that now. Writing about such stuff requires much Neuro-energy you know? With reference to sleep, I realised last night that my bed and pillow is actually heavenly and they sent me to paradise real soon. Its just soooo comfortable. Must be because I have been sleeping standing and with CVC on far too often this days. Well, my bed......yeah....
~Tired~

Guess I almost got my first extra since enlistment. 2LT Wong wanted to give me 1 times gao lat(you know the black thing that needs to be roasted, $1/packet), end up he gave me one times scarlett o'hara. Haha. His house is always a nice place to hang around.

I then went to town at 9pm to meet 31A and 33A. Haha. was late in punishment for 1A not manning his handphone while sleeping. Haha, 1A has been desperately trying to get rid of the trojan from his MSN as well but well, yours truly who didn't give up trying manage to get rid of it first. Applause!!

Well, tried to get janice out for dinner today actually but she had a past competition dinner so well like all times, suck thumb and be nice. I wonder why everyone gets to tour europe. Why why why am I stuck in kranji camp!!! Hope she helps me buy cointreau but I doubt she will do so. Where got so nice to me. Pray Pray. I want my liquor....pls......haiz...she doesn't even read this. Or well, which kind soul out here will help me, if not buy me, cointreau, southern comfort, smirmorff, absolute citron, chivas, vodka. Not alot what...

Hmm, I believe its time I pay Ikea a visit. My dad just told me to get rid of the bottles from the dining table and put them in my room. Guess I will add a collection for a mini bar in my room. Haha. Someone buy me original art to put on my wall please....*smirk on my face*

Gosh, its already one and I have got driving at 0800 tomorrow. Time for sweetdreams tonight I guess. Its been a long and interesting day. Yeah.

~Indulge in meaningless fun?~

consolidation

2005-04-22T07:50:00.000-07:00

~To blog in peace is a bliss~

Its never the big events going on in the world that really sets one thinking. A million thing goes through our mind everyday. A thousand changes occur in our familiar surroundings. A hundred thing thats close to our hearts. Things to ponder over, things to worry about and things that make our day. Thats what makes us sit down in a quiet corner of our room and think. Insignificant, unrelated ocurence that sets our mind rolling.Thats the beauty of reflection

Took a short walk down memory lane. Saw how I have been like in recent months. I didn't see a very impressive representation of me in my memories. Not like old times. I am not one of those high flyers. But I do have moments when I felt triumphant with a sense of pride. Moments when I saw what I achieve and felt like I could achieve just anything. I remember my A-Levels. I remember National Ten-pin. I remember graduation parade. This little notes of victories, I still have with me.

But these days, well these days, I am getting kinda dull. Like a piece of armour has lost its lustre. Yet I recognise the reason behind it. I haven't been polishing up on my life. Been enthusiastic with things I enjoy, thats true. But what you enjoy may not really be of value isn't it. For the past mile down this one way lane, I saw Kelvin doing things bluntly. There is a lack of objectivity which I used to take pride in. I won't say I am losing sight on my goals but it seems I am drifting away in enjoyment. I am just not accustomed to the fact that I am allowing myself to erode off into the river and go with the flow. Still, I like to be in control of what I am doing. So much for learning to follow the heart and not the mind, I am still far from it I guess. I still remember whose the first person who showed me the differentiation. It kinda struck me then. I have come to recognise it but haven't manage to get in tune with it. Maybe such things take a longer time.

One life. Live it. Thats my dogma. But now, with me drifting much away from the ladder I have been hanging on to for so long as I have had dreams; I am beginning to wonder if I would ever accomplish that which I have set out to achieve. Lofty my ambitions are. Not just goals of life but ambitious dreams that still drives me deep within. But I don't see myself doing anything constructive and productive of late. Just plainly enjoying the spoils of NS. Yes its just 2 years. Infact one more year to go. I would probably be back on track by then. What worries me is, infact, the opportunities that I might actually be missing out. I am afraid I did miss out on certain things which are pivotal in my life. Scholarship for one. Its not a setback for me, but its a stain reminding me of what I might be missing out. On the contrary, it might be hiding what I may stand to gain. This, I can only unveil when the time comes.

I haven't let go of my beliefs. That I forge my life the way I want it; that exploring alternative pathways to one's goal is added opportunity for unexpected bonus in life. I remember telling Wong that people like us really have nothing to worry in life. No matter how bad the turn gets. The dice will still roll a path of no worries for us. We will eventually get a job, buy a car, buy a house, get married. Almost without question. How high to reach, it depends on how hard we fight and how we grab opportunities that come by.

Wonder why I have been feeling old. Irony is, I have been telling that to people who are older than me. 19? Almost a third of my life has elasped. What have I missed. What have I to achieve in time. Fate will not decide. My hands will. Ask me what inspires me? Its the ten different dreams I have for myself and the one life that I have to not miss anything out. My name is Kelvin.

overcasted

2005-04-22T02:46:00.000-07:00

Friday afternoon, rare chance to be in a mood to blog. Even more rare is it for me to be at home. Went to get aNOther date for my Final Theory cos I failed the first time round...hmm how can I possibly fail such a thing....wonder wonder. Kao!! Saw ah Goh at BBDC haha what a coincidence. Then accidentally said bye to him when he wanted to ask me something...oops how paiseh.

Came home and saw siow ween online so was talking with her. And then to my great horror, its friday. Meaning post office is open. And that means i almost forgot again. Almost because I decided to rush to the post office cos its 20 mins to closing time. So i was walking to westmall and thinking, then I stop in my tracks. Should I just wait for her to come back and then give it to her.But its July, long way to go. What if it never reaches her, by mail...hmmm....now I am back, nothing done. *Knock head* Well I still got monday.

Off from a slack but shag week. Been lo-boing the start of the week. But combat team proficiency test was xiong. The sun was scorching hot. Imagine having a CVC helmet clasped to your head the entire day under the hot sun, listen to radio nice. Gosh, thats hell of a terrible feeling I had to endure then. Plus, don't don't ever think that being a VC is slack cos until everyone else, you don't get to rest, you don't get to sit and most of the time, water supply is short-well its a hazzle to go all the way to top up your water. Plus plus: You got to man the radio while you sleep standing in the deep of the night, meaning-CVC helmet on.Arrgg!!!!! I gather I had around 2 attempts at one hour sleeps that day Went for vehicle night navi, which wasn't very fun for me cos I have been to the places before.HAHA. Well, its really quite dangerous to even convoy at night, open hatch lights on. Hmm...maybe thats because I keep dosing off. And I did get that dejavu feeling. Dosing off range from 15 to 30 secs. If you successfully dose off for one minute, that would be a miracle. Chances are, falling into a ditch didn't wake you up.The creepy thing is, I saw myself going pass places like kilo gate. Then I wake up, with the oh no feeling of realising I have just dosed off. The next thing I see, Kilo gate starts to come into view. Creepy isn't it, seeing the terrain in your dreams prior to reaching them in real life.Grrps. Wonder what will happen if I see a overturning in my dreams. Gosh!

Talk about all the vehicle movement, I think 34 is turning out to be a career bitch really. Boss around quite often you know. Sometimes she just moves out without telling anyone, and she never evers says where we are headed. Break Contact and thats it. Gosh. Damn paiseh. I had to keep radioing to everyone where to go. Sounds like I holland!? Neh. Was having problem with the radio, can't make out where we suppossed to go. End up going to various places looking for them instead. Good thing I know the roads rather well. Throw me anywhere and I can go anywhere else without the map. Heng. If not I sure gone case. Well thanks to PS always familiarising me with the roads. And of cos, all the secret foot navex around area D.

Well, all good-xiong-things must come to an end no matter how fun they are. And so its back to camp for me on thurs morning. Rushed through cleaning my 40 and 50 alone cos afterall I am the one using it. Got my section to send in all the arms before anyone else. Haha. And they all go back to bunk together. I wonder why people like to bathe the first thing they go back to camp. Sounds damn stupid to me. And I don't really like it when people say I garang because I do things differently. Just that in my perspective the way I do things or, with more pride, the way I think makes more sense. Bathe already all clean, then clean arms all dirty, oily and sticky again. Yucks.

Statement to all: I am not, repeat, not garang if you ever think I am. I just enjoy doing the things I do.

Bleah!

Tequila metamorph

2005-04-17T05:21:00.000-07:00

Recipe

3/4 part tequila
1 part pineapple juice
1 spalsh orange syrup
1/2 tbsp icing sugar
shake in ice

Beyond words. Just try it. Its good.

morning wasn't good. hangover of mood from last night. But the day went on in recovery. Thanks to watching swordfish and play black hawk down I guess? Lao bu off working, so it was an afternoon of peace for me. Went for driving lesson shortly after. Did parallel parking.Hmm...I wonder if everyone does parking on the second lesson. I guess I was driving better today? The half sian mood was giving me the don't think just drive attitude. But still I got a number of horns from people cos I was slow at the junctions. Eh....dude...can't you see the L plate, horn what horn.

Then inspire by mr wong, I went to shop for ingredients. Bought pineapple juice, cranberry juice, guava juice, tonic water but missed out on soda water and coca cola. Nvm. Save that for next weekend. And so now I am enjoying my drink and some tid-bits. Book in timing is tomorrow but I guess I will head for camp later so I can sleep all I want tomorrow morning. Haha.

Yesterday...well...yesterday. I watch ghost in the shell and band of brothers. Then head off to town in the eveing. Going downtown in the eveings instead of early afternoon somehow makes the day seems longer cos I get alot of time for solitude at home. Wanted to buy comics from kino but thought I better not. As planned, I went to shop for my elder sisters birthday present ad bought a t-shirt for her. Hope I like it. Somehow everytime I shop I end up shopping for myself. But the desire to save got the better of me.Yeah. Then I went to x-factory. Been wanting to buy some accessories from there for some time so was quite happy. Haha. Reuben is gonna be rather shock to find what I bought.

So I guess i will be going down to town next weekend to get my comic? And do sopme shopping for clothes. Yeah.

Sunday again

2005-04-16T18:47:00.000-07:00

Woke up to an unwilling morning. I guess its true. Sleep with unhappiness and you wake up with unhappiness. I tossed around in my comfy bed thinking about the events of yesterday. Till now, rain haven't said a word. Guess she's angry. Still I can only go this far with my apology. Mr wong is right. At times, I really sound like a bastard. Guai Lan in layman's term. Guess thats how I have been shaped this days. Thats how I talk and react to whatever I don't deem fit. I remember how she told me that every conversation with keat only end up in quarrels. Damn it. I failed to see how I must have been pissing her off with my words.Seems like I am just insensitive when it comes to her. Wonder how she feels everytime I act like a bugger-stir thing up out of nowhere.Haiz....Does distance really play dirty tricks upon bonds that took so long to forge.Or am I just unable to adapt. Whatever it is, I believe I haven't been very nice to her since she left. What can I do. Words can only do this much of magic.

But she's the least of my worries. At times I wonder. All these doesn't mean anything. So what if you spend 10 20 years forging a strong bond, of common understanding and acceptance. When, at the end of the day it can still end up in a mess like the case of mdm chan lai chun. Its sick. And with much truth, I know I have friends whom I can easily confide in. But I choose not to do so. A matter of ego-male supremacy and imagery anti-weakness to portray? Or simply, that I see no point residing in anyone-because it doesn't help. And above all, these boils down to one thing-willowing in self-pity. Somthing I despise. Reality check please. Happily ever-after is just for fairy tales. Or at least it is the case for me. Look at all this hell thats burning up my HOME. One person is all it takes to mess things up. And I would admit. I share certain characteristics of this whom I despise. Classic example of stirring up trouble out of nothing-as demostrated last night. Who am I to condemn this person when I am much the same.

Its terrible how one bad thing leads to another. And there is this devil in me telling me to ignore the whole damn situation. Admist mutiple messed up situations, I have this strong urge to just treat all this with vulgar nonchalence. I don't mind if I can't get a scholarship and fulfill my dreams. I don't care if I can't make a name for myself in my lifetime. I just wanna get a job, buy a car, buy a house get married, have childrens. Wait-now I am beggining to think twice about a family. But still. I just want to lead a simple life. I just want to be bud off from this thorny stem on which I grew up. I just want to get out of this hell. But what about my sisters? And now you ask me why I never believe in GOD? Ha. Well I do see how people find peace and reside in their religion. Get real. I was born in hell, no woder the devil knocks on my door. Because I wasn't born in a cradle surrounded by angels and beautiful white clouds. Because what I first saw, was the arms of a woman around me. And there lying within the cracks of hell, is a new born a year younger than me. And now you start to think that it was heaven I was born in? No. My life isn't just about me. There are people whom I was born to love. And even if I was in heaven, I saw what was deep within the basement of love. And so i fell,with wings torn, into the abyss where I found my sister. Now I wish to get out of it-with her. Now you know the evil angel thesis-you still won't understand it.

And now you ask me why am I without love. Why, I never ever succeed in loving? Because when it comes down to this, I can never get things right. I would mess up like I always do. Because I was born knowing that even the most innate form of love can be breeched. Why love when love hurts?

~A miser. Am I?~

Try as I might, despite strength or courage, there are still times at which I am fallen. So much of wishing I could be there with you. This time round, I wish you be here for me. You are already distant enough. I don't wanna sink into conflicts with you. Sorry for failing to see us from your eyes.

Dead Angel

His skin grey,eyes bare
Wings spread out, torn and battered
upon the grounds of hell he knell
all the sufferings here he knew

A last arrow, plucked from his wings
memories of the angels that sing
Within the chalice-gift of life
blood he learn to cherish-love
Smeared in red, bows locked
from the tip it dripped

He rises
Wings flapped
Dark angel-his name

Rusty chains, cracked bells
to heaven he's chained
here he is in hell
Angels sing- cantabile

Arrows of rain,
heaven cries
streaks of fears
eve of tears
this life unforgiven
it will end with burn

Archer screams-destruction
Newborn's love
Melochony hope
Time has come, unleash it all

Safely away from the world
In a dream, timeless domain
A child, dreamy eyed,
Mother's mirror, father's pride
I wish I could come back to you
Once again feel the rain
Falling inside me
Cleaning all that I've become

End of love
End of hope
End of time
The rest is silence

voice mail

2005-04-16T08:00:00.000-07:00

wah lao eh. start off happily talking with her end up also can screw it up quite badly. haiz.
"You have reach virgin mobile voicemail service"
Oh my!! She's right. I think too much and fail to enjoy her presence.
I don't wanna be a dejavu for you.
And kao, tomorrow sunday, POST office never open!!how many weeks already!!!

Was a not bad day until the night.Dun feel like blogging already.

Victories

2005-04-15T06:53:00.000-07:00

.
.
.
.
.

~Bloodshed~

Today exposed me to the little victories of everyday life. Was trying to help dexiang with the vehicle and so stayed behind with Ps, jonny, boey and kumar. Wasn't much of a help though because the parts are really beyond repair. Then theres the irritating problem of not being able to tow the vehicle into gedong. Anyway I was running late for my Final Theory test and so i had to go at around 5 while the others stayed to wait for the RCV. Problem was, I had no transport, meaning I had to go back to camp by either cab or bus. I had no money with me but they were rather generous in lending me some funds for a ride back. And so I book out of gedong camp walking the 1 Km route all the way to the main road in a dirty long four that is wet from the rain and stained with grease and dust. There was no cab around and so i tried calling for one. Somehow, they just couldn't give me a cab. That left me with no choice but to take a bus to chua chu kang. Fine. To my rather expected horror, my ezy-link was dry. And so I had to borrow money from some other passenger in a rather pathetic manner. Want cab no cab. Want bus also no money. Dirty boots, dirty uniform. Nothing I would ever book out in.Still, I went back to camp had a good shower and went for my test with plenty of time. Seems like, people do fall into pathetic situations in time ~lang bei~ but still, nothing can cripple a strong heart. Just stay calm, relax and think of ways out. Nothing can stop you. It made me realise how life can be intereting even at low points. Even the worst situation might be a good learning experience. And so now I have my weekend ahead, to my greatest horror, my book in timing is 1330 monday.

Imagine this:
Even before I come home, I get a phone call from my lao bu, shouting at me for hanging up on her because I badly need to conserve my battery. POI: In the above situation, if my phone dies on me...hmm...i will be .... well done.
Coming home, I see an old hag with a face as if everyone owes her something. With a threat to argue with my dad. What the fucking cjb. Shouting at every grand old fuck thing. Complaining about minute things. Troubles she stir up out of no where just to get at people. She complained about a fucking jeans that she bought for my sister, somehow managing to link it to a major rebellious attitude. Scream at me about how my sister and dad have been being very tempremental these days. Whose the one here I wonder. It seems that all she is capable of doing is conjure small problems or even nothing into matters or defiance, serious mental problems, major shifts in attidude and all hell breaks loose. It all springs from nothing. Why is it that a hag at 50 years old thinks much like a toddler at 5, thinking the worst of how people are treating her; failing to ever ever reflect upon herself and how she have err. She just wants the pick a fight and prove her schizophrenic point.
Now you all see my point. All the financial and livelihood independence I have always dreamt of achieving. To break loose from this tragedy. It shaped all of me. Made me learn to save, work, study, forge my own ideologies learn the facts of life the hard way. Army is just a form of escape. It doesn't solve anything. Everything cranks down on me the moment I step foot into the house. And I know, even till the day when I have my own cosy family-wife and children- and house to reside, it will still plague me. Because of my sisters who might never get off her grip.
Seems like I should just forget my plans about happily relaxing at home. I need refuge in my friends' house I guess.

Summer Slam

2005-04-09T23:18:00.000-07:00

Summer Slam

1 Part vodka
1 Part Gin
3 parts bitter lemon tonic
1 part orange peach concentrate

Shake in crushed ice

A fizzy summer afternoon thirst quencher thats mild on the alcohol that only lingers as an after taste. Made that yesterday and shared it with Mark much to his delight. Had a rather slack day and achieved most of what I set out to except for the running. Ha.

As fortoday, it was my maiden driving lesson. Good start for a sunday morning. Breaks the monotone of waking up at 11 and then going to town, much as it was for the past weeks. Not difficult to catch up but ain't easy to master I would say. Need much more practice. But for today's lesson, I give...eh 70% clap clap. Came home for an hour of MGS 3 and then studied my advance theory in desperation. Test is next friday, after my summex so I have to finish it by today. Yup and guess what I am doing now?Drinking.

Haven't got the mixing fine tuned yet so I shall not reveal the receipe for pink poison but rest assured, this ain't for the faint of heart because its kinda strong. Hope I don't knock out before i finish with this blog. Anyway plans for today include some gaming, watching band of brothers again, slacking in my personal space and of cos finishing up on my advance theory. Haven't gone out for the whole of this weekend cos I am trying to save up. Guilty conscience I would say, for having over-spent in March.

~Good day

Struggle

2005-04-08T21:47:00.000-07:00

This is a struggle. Because my eyes are drooping, my bones feel like they would collapse any moment. I am tired, but I don't know why. Kind of sets the mood for a saturday which I guess will turn out to be a very fruitful one. Here I am, 1250, happily typing away as I look back at the past week.

I remember `rain messaging me sometime this week. Set me to think that its time i talk to her again. I remember admitting to myself that the past 2 weeks of EMCOM with her was really hard to get by. Really? It wasn't an avoidance, just that it dawn on me that saying morning and goodnight everyday is kinda childish. Even foolish. I don't know how she sees it every morning and night. With a smile, with a look of expectation, with nonchalence or a plain blunt look. Maybe I am not sweet or nice here. But all I am hinting here is the uncertainty and yes indeed i am one who is rather afraid of uncertainties between people. Throw me in any vegetation and I will chose the unexplored path, the more dangerous one. But throw me in this situation and I am a young boy who would tug my shirt tightly stand in a corner and not know what to do. I guess I haven't grown up. But hhaha. Well. Thats me. I was quiet for a couple of weeks because I don't have much to say. Simple as that. Minus the good morning and good night, it leaves me with nothing much. Honestly. Aside from ben and wong, I seldom talk to people these days. That day, I thought I owe her an apology and so I said sorry but didn't say why. I couldn't explain. But since she said she's bored, I decided to go online and talk to her. Takeaway:Thats when I wrote my previous blog entry. But even when I went online to talk with her, I found myself stuck. Stuck with nothing more than haha ya ok oh eh. And so I decided I was wasting everybodies' time and went back to bunk. It was almost sudden: I questioned myself why I am feeling all so low. I wasn't sad but I wasn't happy either. I had no reasons not to be happy. And then it came down to this. A resolution that connects with nonchalence and hard hearted don't care attitude. A resolution that I told reuben: Without care for anything, I just want to be happy. Without promises that I never keep, I just want to spread my happiness to her. This ain't a promise because I am never able to keep my promises for her. This is something I wish to achieve. For myelf, for her. And now I look at that little something for her that has been sitting in my room for weeks. Little somethign that took me long to make and even longer for me to send. I guess I broke the surprise here. But who cares.

~Change Mood Change~

We all sat quietly in the lecture room. Pen and paper. OCs map the centre of all our attention. Its the prelude to crunch time: Mission planning. Advance vs Falcon; advance vs Glory, delay. The first one being the one I am most enthusiastic with. For obvious reasons, I will not reveal the plans for the missions here. But all in all, I have never been more excited. On top of that, OC is really quite zai. And I firmly believe that he -like me- is the type who will come up with super unexpected, fuck the doctrine and totally out of the box tactics. COOL. He is really and example to model after. I just can't wait for D-Day. But most importantly, I am having more and more faith in the man already though a recent survey revealed that the man don't really trust our capabilities. Damn. For good reasons. I can really really understand why Ah Goh is so excited. He is the point. Thats where all the action is. And what am I. 32A vc. Reserve platoon reserve section. Aiyo.Must have been stupid of me to have chosen the appointment myself. You know 2A spells much similar to SAIKANG. This reminds me of one of the army advertisment. Ever seen the "leader.soldier.borther." poster? I think they spelt the words wrongly. Its spelt "Slave.Banglah.Enemy" Oh my. But still army is how fun. Oh. I came back yesterday and saw the name "Boon Cheng" in my tagboard. In classic japanese anime, my face would have seen a flash of blue in combination with thunder and lightning. My PC has been reading my blog!!!!But its nice, to know that this will bring us beyong colleagues. HAHA. Imagine him reading me write about him. About how he holland. I would love to see the expression on his face. And so Mr wong said this : "oh fuck" . But its ok, because no matter what I remember the words of 2wo Maran, my sispec PC. I remember him say this in the training shed while saying goodbye to us

"When you go to unit, you will find that your officers might not be as capable as you expect. Some might not even be as capable as you are. Some cannot lead man, some cannot navigate and some don't know how to fight. But remember, they are just like you. They were also once trainees like you. They were also once recruits. Most of them also just commission. The only difference is that they have gone through more and tougher training than you. Who doesn't make mistakes. And when they make mistakes you don't laugh. No you don't laugh and you don't condemn. It doesn't help anyone. You help. Because as specialist you are your officers assistant, it is your job to help them anyway."

Great words I will never forget.

~Change Mood Change~

Went out with memebrs of s26 in an evening of heehee and hahas. Rushed down in cab because I am COS and only get to book out at 730pm. So i managed to sneak into kublai Khan and in theory get to eat for free. ON my way there, I made a mental note not to commit the mistake of always talking about army with the guys. You see, there's nothing wrong with talking about army. Afterall, like wong said, its about sharing your lives with everyone. Just like how the girls will fill you in with the fun of Uni life. The mistake lies in just talking with the guys. But come on, let me diverge from this rather serious tone. It went perfectly well and seeing that Xing Ying and Mel and Ivy are there as well, I took the extra effort to connect with them. Afterall, I was never close with them back in JC and so it was an opportunity for me to forge bonds. The thing is, its amazing. When you look back, you realise that among a class of 20 over people, majority of them only end up as CLASSmates at the end of your JC life. I look at how I became close friends with only a few of them. I missed out on many of them. That I realise on prom night 2003. I remember walking the extra mile to get closer with people like ying hwee yihui mel xingying. Yet its never easy to get involved with each other's lives thats why there are always many levels of friendship. In fact, if anyone notice, the first person I seriously talk to yesterday was? Mel. Towards christmas 2003, I think I talked with her for among one of the first time. What a pity right. And I remember that she was really quite a nice person. The same goes for everyone else. Interesting why I didn't really talk about juan and ween until now? Its kinda simple. Meeting them last them and talking with them wasn't exciting. It was warm. Because I know them well all along. Because we were already kinda close back in JC and the bond carried through all the way till now. To say that they haven't change isn't accurate. I would say that I kept in tune with them, with their changes all the way from the last time I saw them till last night. Talking and giggling at their pace had the feeling of bridging time. As if JC was the day before and time in between has shrunk to a singularity. It was heartwarming to spend time with the two cheeky juan and ween.Heartwarming. Then there is zhicheng and Mok who are really quite similar in the sense that they always sit quiet, listening to our crap. Gotta poke them to really know how they are getting along. And there is weng soon who is the only guy among us who is still a civilian. haha. Really brought us much insight into what university is like for a guy. Never fails to make me excited about University. But haiz. I don't wanna ORD so soon cos I know I will miss all this days. Can I two-time Uni and NS. Haha.

What a long Blog. I am gonna spend the whole saturday at home. Rest for an hour or so. Some time set aside to watch Ghost in the Shell which I just bought. Some time to study for my advance theory:Oh no. And then it seems like good weather to go for some interval training, with cocktails to greet my return. Haha. Life is great.~Miss you gal.

A drizzling start to a week.

2005-04-05T03:49:00.000-07:00

Was down with fever early on monday morning. Dragged myself for the Et run which i eventually completed with much effort. It was my common belief that a little bit of sweat will ease those sick feelings a tad. It didn't turn out that way. I felt terrible after the run and spent the remainder of my day, faint, in bed. The headach, bitter mouth, warm temperature and frequent shivers made me feel like sleeping it over. Then it started to pour, adding on to the chill. All in all, it was an experience I don't wanna go through again.

Flashbacks to sunday night...

Came back to camp very early indeed as a form of houdini. A houdini which I know will go on and on. Watched tv and found the show turn left, turn right on channel U. It was much of a laugh. Was talking with a couple of friends that night. Talking about something I have been desperately trying to push to the back of my mind. And I wonder, if its true that I simply care about other people's feelings too much. Such things are hard to say. In an attempt to let self-fishness buy you over, you realise that self-fishness is already inherent in your mindset. I tried to treat the situation with nonchalence, only to realise that nonchalence never comes as an effort. Its like when you try to junk something into the bin, you know that it will overflow someday. And on top of that, you know that its still there, just in the bin.You can't erase it. With that comes postulations, imaginative solutions in an attempt to solve it. But it doesn't help. When its there in the bin, and all you can do is think about ways out, nothing changes. Something I got out of watching 'install'.

~Keep trying to change the way things are. At the end of the day, you look back and see only the amount of time you have wasted. Nothing changes. If there is any chances, its the person himself who has changed, not the situation.~

Is it true that I really can't do anything? I have no answer to that. I can't bring myself to be frank with myself, to be frank with anyone. I simply cannot afford to do that. With time, you realise that there is just so much that you can't help. You realise that as a child you said 'face it and not run away' without understanding that things are never as simple as it is. And I know, I am no longer as hard hearted as I always used to be. Not in this situation.I just can't turn my back to her. I just can't bear to say things I know will cause her to trouble over. I feel restrain, restrained from within-unable to act and speak with a carefree mind.I wish it was never this way. But isn't it murphie's law that whatever bad will happen will happen. Or will I be hard hearted in weakness one day to let it out and care only for my own well-being.

~You know it will hurt you eventually, yet you dwell further and further into it~

I was never a kind soul to start with, why is this so difficult now.

End of day, Beginning of night

2005-04-03T05:01:00.000-07:00

Evil Angel's Thesis

Prelude: Devil's Lullaby

Close your eyes now go to hell
Try to think of your sorrow
All of us, say farewell
As she's switching off her light

One more hug,
one more smile
Curse her once
and curse her twice
We'll be here, for awhile
Till you sleep and go to hell.

lala~ lala~

Thy Mourn

Our mother in hell
devil be my name
your time has come
our will be done
on earth as in hell
Give us this day our daily bread;
forgive us our sin
as we forgive thou who sin against us;
that which lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil.
Amen

Deed comes full circle

In your death we sing,
forgive us our sins.
Like childrens we smile,
in this twilight hour-

By your carcass I weep
in time I will see
Upon the devil's whip
in hell's deepest abyss
The curse is now upon me
and forever I will be
trap in this void
darkness, you and me.

There's blood in your eyes,
stain in my hand.
Sent you from earth to hell-deliverence
Now in death,
we share a common lair-devils lair

Child's prayers

Dear mama, I love you so
I love my sisters more
Please 'o
Guide me sacred one
what must I do,
just this once
I'll do anything
to protect my sisters my loved ones

Retreat

2005-04-02T19:17:00.000-08:00

Here I am in this little retreat of mine, feeling vexed and irritated. Unhappy, about people. Here I am lamenting because there is nothing much I can do.A woman almost 50, with poor social skills, with a bad mentality and unacceptable character. There she is, a fifty year old bark brought up amongst ill circumstances. Without parents to bring her up on the right track. And now here she is, a helpless soul, rejected by many, hated by some. Even her child do not love her. It wasn't her fault to start with. Nor is it anyone's fault that her parents are but wrecked and uneducated creatures. When such feelings of agony becomes too strong and beyond what ears can accomodate, my words reside here only in this passage. A statement of discredit. An expression of brewing hatred.How far will this go down in the network of ancestory. For even before the day comes when she sees black, here I wish she never existed. Because every moment here strikes me as a form of agony beyond tolerance. Yet in this paradox, thy existence lives upon the fact that she once had me cuddled in her womb for nine months.Will this ever be justified? This is me, thy solemn one, whose soul reeks of her. For the blood that drained through her to me will always run in this physique of mine for as long as I am here.

And there is my fucking map. Lying somewhere in the training ground. Its edges buried with soil, its face clean from the recent rain. The plastic that covers it protects it, and remembers the hands that once touched it and made it the way it is now. Why did I ever decide to lend nicholas my map? Why does marc yoong have to borrow my fucking beloved map. Why platoon sergeat ownself no map? Why put my map on the vehicle when its moving. Why no brains. Why is my fucking map gone. Replacing it is a futile attempt. I may get a new map. But the map that I lost...no marc lost....will still be lying there on the road. Who knows on whose hand it will eventually end up. It won't change a thing. I am so so du lan. Why some people cannot take care of other people's belongings. Is it because it isn't theirs? Haiz. I feel so vexed over such a small issue. Is it the map? No. Its the small issue of someone else losing your stuff. It never feels good.This is me, a peevish stubborn child, who would cleanch his fist in the face of anger. BUt what can I do then to suck my thumb and get myself a new map, swallowing the unhappiness...tat. Damn it.

Creation

2005-04-02T07:46:00.000-08:00

Came home after movie for a little drink after abstaining for a couple of weeks. I didn't have much drinks to make a good mix so I came up with my own mixtures.

Ice Rumon
1 part rum(I used barcardi)
1 part lemon concentrate
5-6 ice cubes

Mix rum with ice and then slowly added the lemon concentrate, making it homogeneous. Stir till ice half melts. Resulting drink is a tad on the dry side due to the lemon. Slightly bitter and soft on the taste of rum.
Nothing much for the day cos i blogged in the afternoon already. Its time for a good night sleep.

Tired

2005-04-01T20:50:00.000-08:00

I am kinda tired. Woke up to a wet saturday morning. Been raining ever since my senses regain from a good and early night. Slept really early last night and did not blog as usual because my mom was on the computer. Anyway, it was wild wild wet for me yesterday. Played a little, swam a tad. Not really a fun place but the crowd made it a rather enjoyable experience. Its not everyday that I get to stick around with all my man just to play. So it was quite fun, especially when I goy dunk into the water. Splash!
Friday began with IPPT in mind. I wasn't confident because of the recent fever and my nose which was still in a rather bad state. Got 5 points for the stations as usual, and went it came to 2.4, I followed the crowd and cut all the grasses. Managed a timing of 938 to my amazement. The entire test was void cos of all the grass cutting but lets skip that part all together. In other words I should be managing a 10 flat timing I guess. Will be going for some intensive interval training next week to fight for my GOLD. Yeah.With my new found confidence, it should be a breeze.
An afternoon spent at wild wild wet, we went to watch House Of Fury at TM.Its quite a commendable movie, with hightly impressive fight scences with a rather simple yet interesting story line. The family aspect of the movie related quite well to my situation so I found a heart warming element in the movie. Well Gillian is really chio!!!!
Took an hour train ride journey to the west. Was listening to my mp3s when I got reminded of something. Anyway, I made up my mind not to spill too much of my emotional world into this tiny space here so I shall skip that all together. Will be going to beach road to get my coverall done up. The rest of the weekend should see me studying at home and spending time with my sisters rather than spending money. So hee. For this saturday afternoon blog, a song to end it.

I can't remember the last time that we kissed goodbye

All our "I love you's" were just not enough to survive

Something your eyes never told me

But it's only now too plain to see

Brilliant disguise when you hold me And I'm free

I've been thinking and here's what I've come to conclude

Sometimes the distance is more than two people can use

But how could I have known girl

It was time and not space you would need

Darling tonight I could hold you and you would know

But would you believe

There's a light in your eyes that I used to see

There's a place in your heart where I used to be

Was I wrong to assume that you were waiting for me

There's a light in your eyes

Did you leave that light burning for me

Cards and phone calls and photograph pictures of you

Constant reminder of all the things you get used to

Is there a chance in hell or heaven

That there's still something here to build on

Or do you just pick up the pieces after they fall

But after all There's a light in your eyes that I used to see

And a song in the words that you spoke to me

Was I wrong to believe in your melody

There's a light in your eyes

Did you leave that light burning for me

Should I keep on waiting or does love keep on fading away

Fading away...

It's been a while since

I've seen you so how have you been

Did you get my letter I wrote you, but I did not send

I tried to call your old number But the voice that I heard on the phone

I recognized but she told me the number was wrong

There's a light in my eyes but it's too bright to see

And a pain in my heart where you used to be

Guess I was wrong to assume that you were waiting here for me

There's a light in your eyes

Did you leave that light burning for me

Hasty ReCreation

2005-03-30T19:02:00.000-08:00

Rise and shine in 41 Singapore Aloha Resort. Wake up to the natural morning call of beautiful sunshine that warms your sleepy face. Breakfast is served anytime from 545 in the morning to 1130. A traditional combination of 2 soft boiled eggs, bread and milo is a healthy start for a relaxing day. In fact, the entire week has been very relaxing.(The simple fact that I am retyping this entire entry after the previous computer hand on me). Hours after hours of sleeping marathon have got me almost fully recovered. The Morning was a good different from what I woke up to yesterday. 8 hours of sleep from 4am to noon yesterday saw me waking up with 2 choked nostrils. One with thick unforgiving mucus, the other with insoluble fibrin meshworks. The major nosebleed I had on early wednesday morning(3 am) was a bad addition to the fever that I was only beginning to recover from. But now, I am all better. Lets recap the week si far in a chronological order.

Monday morning didn't start off all that well. Monday blues was no excuses for my man who were 20 minutes late falling in for breakfast. And hence, 5BX for them as punishment. It then dawned on me that it has been a very long time since I last punished the platoon as a whole. After a good tongue leashing, I decided to let matters rest. For good reasons. Follow up talks with them revealed the truth behind why they never ever fall in on time for breakfast these days as compared to their impecable behaviour when I first came. The commanders themselves are never early and can never be bothered. No reference of name was needed for me to know who they were talking about. Such double standards among commanders-Ill standards, are often the root of much trouble from the man in days to come.

The afternoon was an assortment of setting up butt, sun-tanning, pushing rations to sentries, vehicle navex and aboce all, the main item of the day-Delta Live Firing. Had I not went to explore TVMA alone under the pretext of pushing ration, the day would have been a meaningless waste of time. 3 weeks of preparations, tens of thousands of tax payer's money on ammunition, burnt weekends, all came down to a 5 minutes demostration of armour fighting capabilities. All because, among the bunch of one bar cadets still wearing their lanyards, there might be a future CAO. My night didn't end with all the sending of arms because in all my giddiness of the day(still having the fever) I left one spare barrel locked up in the vehicle in Gedong. Oops. I must admit this is the worst mistake I ever commit 1 year and 3 months into NS. And when Noel questioned me for a reason. I told him the only reason that I knew. I was blur. And he didn't accept it. Sounds like its time to put up a fight but in the end I didn't say much straight in his face. Just told him that 'blur' is the only valid reason. Or would he want me to cook up some grand mother excuse so that he can finally say - 'eh, this is no excuse'. I guess I left him with nothing much to say. Of course my reason is stupid, its a stupid mistake. I was almost about to tell him that 1.I admit my mistake 2. I will rectify it 3. I don't believe in giving excuses. 4.I don't see a need to please his ears. Sometimes I wonder whats on his mind. Simply uneducated and not man enough to own up to stupid mistakes?Haha. Felt really good to attitude some one 2 ranks up. But seriously such things should never be done in front of the man. Its a failure to lead by example. I then went back to gedong to claim my barrel. My PS dear Sgt ONG called me at least 5 times in the short hald and hour. Made me wonder why on earth everyone is so gan jiong when its just a small problem that can definitely be rectify. Rectification being the margin between small problem and major punishment.
With that lesson learnt, tuesdays began. My first ever tact-team mission. Started off fun-everything does. But when it boils down to me slapping mosquitoes when doing vehicle hide, my mp3 player was the only thing that kept me awake. Haha. I have officially made my MP3 player an outfield SOP. We fought from SOA to peggy, dismounted to capture grace1, punched through BMR when my dear PC holland. It was a scene of behold. 5 vehicles cluster fucking along a 200 metres road. For the uninitiated, 5 cars spread out along a 100 metres road is considered safe travelling but in an armour context, we would have been sitting ducks waiting to get struck by artillery. It was a chaotic situation. We were supposed to fight through Helen. However, after some thought, I concluded that he wasn't actually Hollaneded. He wanted to take an alternative route where there is no enemy patrol. Smart. But when OC finally allowed him to carry on with the route, I don't know why he wanted to reverse and persist through Helen ??? We then reached mathilda where he dismounted the platoon to secure a far fire base onto cathy. Took quite long for him to navigate there. I won't blame him for his slow navigation because he has never been there before and afterall, every training is a learning opportunity. What I didn't understand is that, Why on earth he never went to recee the place before. If I could do it, shouldn't he be able to do that too. I openly admit that I could have completed the mission yesterday without a map because I already know the terrain well after recee-ing on foot during DLF.heehee. A rad proud here right? I sometimes wished I could be an armour officer. Its really fun when you know the place well and can get your man to fight through aggresively. Too bad I am only a VC on the Alpha vehicle doing nothing but slapping mosquitoes most of the time. The only fun part of the day was when we went to recee an alternative route to our delay position. Had me going all the way south, covering treacherous terrain which I have never seen before. Cool. But one of my man got slapped in the face by the MG but. Leaves me with much guilt. The night mission was even worse because my NVD spoilt just when the battle was heating up. I was officially made a spectator by my OC and only watch my PC samura the assault onto sharon 1 a few times. Boring. Ate nightsnack instead while hiding somewhere far behind the forces. Even my PS couldn't be bothered by then because my PC was fighting the mission as if he was doing an open book TYS examination. Went back to camp to clean arms. When its finally time to sleep, its almost 4am and my nose started to bleed-profusely. Wonder why.

With that, Wednesday began at noon when I finally wake up for lunch. Watched Wu Jian Dao, slacked, ate pizza and went back to sleep again. When I finally decided to go home to bathe under the hot shower. I was feeling dry inside and sticky all over. Had dinner at home. There was absolutely no peace. NO PEACE. My mother as usual simply likes to shout at my sister for no fucking reason. And she simply likes to do sutpid things like hinting for mosquitoes in my room when I am in the middle of a movie. And she doesn't allow me to open te window because she claims mosquitoes why fly in. What the fuck!!??? Might as well telt my room like how she telt my F1 model. I really wonder if stay at home too much have left her with a distorted mind.Gosh.

So much so for a week. Its almost lunch time now and I am still at 41 resort. Gonna go to gedong later to low load vehicle and maybe spy on the radio net for today's mission.

Sunday blues

2005-03-27T01:45:00.000-08:00

I woke up with a bad headache, almost reluctant. Tossed around in bed wondering why on earth I am having this sick feeling. Sums up to a rather bad start for a suppossedly relaxing day. One of my auntie's voice caught my attention. Visits on sunday mornings are usually heart warming. This one is no exception. The little kid I talked about the day before had came as well. My bedroom door opened slightly and in came a peeping little head. A wide smile across his face which seemed like good morning in the kids' world really made things much better. I struggled out of bed only to realise my entire body's was aching badly, especially my legs. Leaving nothing much to say about my match fitness these days.Its simply bad.
I endured through the rest of the morning and early afternoon hoping that carrying on with normal activities will have me feeling better eventually. Nah. I felt worse as the day went by. My persistence didn't do me much good and so i went to bed. Hear I am eventually, feeling slightly better. Hope I can be fine tomorrow. Guess its now time for a hot shower better do more good than evil.

Smilecence

2005-03-26T07:29:00.000-08:00

Today it rained(as in it really rained), bringing back old memories of a carefree childhood. I was at Mr Wong's house when a shower came and brought refreshing life to the woods that have been drying up for some time. It kinda held us back with our plans so we ended up watching 'Love me if you dare'. I have been thinking of buying the vcd and so it felt great I get to watch it today. The movie bought me a passage to a decade ago.When I was a child.
It was a world of no worries. One of innocent laughters, joyful smiles and imagination. A world of make believe. I went to my grandfather's house later in the evening, amiably welcomed by a little kid we call 'en en'. We share no relation by blood but one of my autie has been babysitting him for years and so he kinda developed a special kind of bond with us. In his eyes, everything seems simple. There is a time to eat, when adults will happily feed him with a smile. So long as he behaves himself, meal time is a bonding session. There is excitement in the most mundane of stuffs. Screams of joy over a flying train, endless giggles to go with an innocent prank. He hops around and runs all over the living room, thrilled by what only his imaginative eyes could conceive. In his world, he is a hero out of animations. A soldier like his father. A little boy who would fly through the clouds and sparrow into fantasy. He enjoys what he does because he only does what is fun or interesting. What people around him says, he could comprehend little. He smiles vibrantly at anything people would say of him, of his mischieve. Happiness is the only thing that rules his day.
I was once like him. Each and everyone of us were once like him. Untouched and pure. We were not born here where we are now. Rather, its a land of fairy tales where we share our beginning. We were born to celebrate life with a milky white soul.
Yet, the realities of life. Yes, realities: The pseudo-standards of life .Unquestioned comformities. Imposed beliefs. Code of conduct and so many many more. They bring us out from out fairy tale land into where we 'belong'-civilised society. Where there is a standard path our life should follow between our moment of birth and hour of death. Beyond which we fail to see social acceptance. Beyond which we become not individuals but non-comformist. Beyond which we begin to see ourselves fraying away from the rest. The rest of society where our friends families and dear ones are. At the end, we walk alone. Separated from the unforgiving harshness of realities. A social reject. Unable to return to our fairy tale because of what we have seen in the real world. Ironically disillusioned? Or simply too weak to let go of the past?

~Life is a walking shadow.~

Good Friday

2005-03-24T21:56:00.000-08:00

...ain't that good afterall. Wake up to find my mother sleeping on my bed. I slept on my sofa the night before cos my younger sister was fast asleep and so I didn't want to wake her up. I remember my mother talking alot in my room last night despite my constant reminder that she is disturbing the little one. What really amaze me was the fact that she actually shifted my sis back to her room. And for no fucking reason sleep on my bed. SMLJ.
I came home after a walk and instead of happily getting into my room, I came face to face with some great agony. My room was in a temporary mess cos she shifted ever F thing from my display and was cleaning the stuff. Cleaning:dismantling my models and wiping with a wet cloth. What the!!?? Ever seen a mclaren on display that is covered in telt!? Now I have got parts missing from each and everyone of my gundam model and carl vison cruiser. Worst part is she f***ing messed around with my bayonet. I am seriously at a lost of words.What the!!!!!

Time of the week.

2005-03-24T05:53:00.000-08:00

Its the time of the week again. Getting home from camp with nothing but boredom to share. And when I question myself what I look forward to, its the training in the upcoming week that keeps me excited. For most, its always the weekends thats interesting; in my case the activities back in camp always seem to keep the engine in me running.
I was really quite tired today and so decided to give Ippt yr2 a skip. My day felt really short. Changed a grease nipple, checked on my vehicle, went for lunch, Ippt and then it was book out for me. While my should be looking forward to a good frieday long weekend, the emptiness of the next 3 days seem to make me feel a little off. Thats really negative thinking but thats as true as it gets. Went for a good dinner alone and then came home for some ghost recon2 but then, haiz, gaming can be quite irritating when you keep getting stuck at a particular level. And then to my hope for the weekend. Hope because by now, we should all know that while its up to us to make things happen, many a times we can only do so much. My weekend would be great if I get to do some extreme sports. Say ...rock climb. The weather these days is just perfect for sun tanning.I wanna go outdoor. Ironically this is what I have in mind for tonight: Play game, blog, watch vcd. Gosh. Its always evening that sinks me into this half dead meaningless mood.
One thing that I am really looking forward to is actually letters from the various scholarship board. I just can't wait. And when its a case of only shortlisted applicants will be informed, you really want to know when you will get the letters.
Not quite inspired to blog today cos my week was short and lacking in activities. I think the next few days should see more text in this little blog of mine. Wonder which of the many cvd should i watch.

Sorry to my blog

2005-03-22T05:47:00.000-08:00

My apologies for my bad attitude towards my blog on 21st March 2005.

Coldplay's music play in a soothing tune in the background. Myself and Pang walk down along and endless track. Kicking stones. Looking around. Relaxing. Its one of those rare experience you get. Trekking with an mp3 player humming away. The sun was great. Bright and warm, not hot. An out of the norm chill out experience.

Along one of the main axis, at the edge of the vegetation a bike parks lonely with some palm fruit on its back. Just next to it is a small opening, indicative of a small track that bashes deep within. It is almost apparent that there is someone inside. We thought we should check it out.
Its really nice to have music when you are bashing. It didn't go as deep in as we expected but what we saw was really unexpected. An old man squats beside what seems to be a trap, made out of simpe wooden planks nailed together. He squats there and look at us with deep black eyes, saying nothing till we take the initiative to speak up. I can't help but took notice of his attire. It seems that the shirt he is wearing has been his combat outfit since his youthful days. There were holes all across, his pants as well and I wonder what this old man has gone through. What perils he must have experience in his 30 years of catching wild boars. Pang can hardly speak mandarin, so it kinda makes alot of sense he had no freaking idea what that old man was saying so I became a translator. The tale he told was simple, yet heart warming.

The remainder of my monday went by fast. I came home feeling rather pathetic though. The lonely, jaded and uninterested feeling of depression has been with me for days. Somehow when you feel screwed up inside, you tend to screw things up in reality as well. This is what happened.
I went online to find people to talk to. And there she was but rain seems busy so I didn't bother her. It was after sometime that she started talking. And I guess the problem of tension between us arise out of not misunderstandings. But rather, I am simply too frank and open with my emotions. Imagine telling someone straight out that you think you 2 don't have much to talk about recently. And then saying you are not in the mood to talk. Well, its possible for people to accept this and I guess thats the case. But somehow, I just felt bad. Afterall its never nice blowing off anybody in this manner. And so out of guilt I thought I should talk to her and so i triend. But then, she wanted to go off and study already. Its really quite a no issue thing. Nothing to worry about I trust but, I just felt like crap because it all felt so messed up. Thats even more so on top of the shit feeling I already had.Good thing is that its over now.

I went around bugis junction alone for like 3 hours. Wah i wionder why I can do 8hrs non stop road march, but 3 hrs shopping can kill me. ANyway my dad is back with tequila for me. haha. And I am really feeling much better today. yeah. Its time to book in. Well. I hope someone enjoy venice cos its really a nice place. And, it ain't really that good being frank all the time too. Just make sure people around you are happy. Thats actually more important than being frank.I guess.

Blues

2005-03-21T07:08:00.000-08:00

Evening. A time of rest and relaxation. When work stops.When its time to go for dinner. When tired guys go to bed. Sunday evening. A moment special. When lovers say goodbye. When sons have their dinner at home. When newbies carrying their fieldpack in smart 4 to camp.
I spent my sunday afternoon setting up the butt area for today's delta live firing vetting. Earned myself half a day off.Spent the evening in seclusion, with nothing to do and no one around.With negative thoughts going all around in my mind. Thoughts I so wish to eradicate. Whats wrong with me? Too bored, too lonely? I don't know. A sudden loss of interest in everything around me probably due to a deep longing for something. All of which I have no idea. I have no idea about myself.
Haiz. SO much I want to talk about. So much I want to share about my experience today. So much I want to write and express here. But I am just just so screwed inside I can't get a grip of myself.And I have got an interview tomorrow. Where on earth is the fucking confidence gonna be if I am still like this tomorrow.
And i just don't know why I have got nothign to say to rain anymore. Still I yearn to see her online but everytime I see her I just don't know what to say. And I can't imagine myself telling her such a thing. Its crap to hear such a thing but I just don't know what the fuck is happening. AND i don't want to hurt anybody.Free me!!!!!

I am back...

2005-03-19T06:31:00.000-08:00

A minute has passed since I last posted. Reason. I really feel fucked up. I wonder if you heard the final soundtrack of the movie Alfie. Where he walks down by the river and the music plays in reflection of his desperate cry and screwed up situation. Right now I can feel the same music going on. And I have no idea whats wrong. The way I am talking and acting is simply not me. Its very much an unintentional and uncontrollable act for some unknown reasons. I can't explain my feelings now cos I just feel screwed.What on earth is wrong!!!!!! I went to sleep with the same kind of feeling the night before. The last thing I remember before I sleep was me telling wong that my soul stinks. WTF. haiz!!!!!!!!!

Saturday night fever

2005-03-19T06:27:00.000-08:00

I just realised its saturday night and that its SOP to be blogging everytime I am at home. SO for tonight, this is all I have to say. I feel fucked up. Life sucks like a vacuum cleaner. Haiz...............doing things i don't feel comfortable with.

Solaris

2005-03-18T04:05:00.000-08:00

There is a tribal suspense in the music. A build up. The air is stale and warm from the afternoon sun. A sandy cocktail of tension and seriousness. A rover cut across my view kicking up a thick brown wall of dust. Then...in a synchrotone of gunfire and grand militaristic music, the SM-1 fired off. Flowing that, the bushmaster guns fired off in rapid burst while the AGLs grenade the distant targets.In the background, the coAXs and HMG formed a steady tat-a-tat. Such is a beautiful masterpiece. A symphony of might and firepower.
An entire afternoon dedicated to preparing for Delta Wing OCS visit. Young recruits with their one white bar wearing their lanyard. A bunch or A-Level scholars deemed as the so called high-flyers. Well I do know of some who eventually become good officers but the impression left is still that of stuck up 1 bar generals who think that they are one notch above everyone else. I must confess at this juncture that I still do respect officers for good cause and I have nothing against them.What puzzles me is the purpose behind it. 3 days squeezed out from the already pack schedule. Combat team training pushed back...to prepare for a performance....for cadets. Good job. Loads of all kind of ammunitions seldom used are now churned out for a display for fire power demostration. For the uninitiated, you never ever fire the AGL nor SM-1 main gun for training. Interesting.
For me, the week has been rather broken up mainly because of the off I took on tuesdays. All in all it a very slack week. Delta is the in word now. Cool isn't it. Looking back, I see an assortment of memorable events. The star gazing...the sun-tanning....the foot navex....the clubbing. Beauty is what you get out of enjoying every moment in life.
I remember that on monday night, I was slacking on top of my stead waiting for handover. Somehow i just happen to notice that the night was an unfamiliar black. The night sky was painted with un-numbered sparks. And everyone shines. To my own amazement, yup a sentimental side of me emerged and I was happily gazing at the universe. For the same reason I guess, I couldn't help but wanted to tell rain about how nice it was. But then it seemed kinda inappropriate due to the time-zones and well, I thought I shouldn't disturb her studying. Still, I was excited and I wanted to share this excitement. Then I thought of siow ween whom I thought would be much in tune with this kind of fantasy-dreamlike starry atmosphere. The fact that I have read more than 2 other blogs mention about star gazing wasn't something unexpected. The past weeks have seen clear bright sunny days. And thus the undisturbed night sky.
A number of people noticed that I rather sit in a unsheltered area or simply lie on the BX while the sun glares from above. My face is a little red after the few days of tanning. And I do love the tan colour that is beginning to show.Plus the haircut I got on WED. I am really quiet satisfied with my looks now. HAHA. Neh to those who would laugh at my egoistic and self-catered flattery.Eh. Confidence cannot be spelt. Its sensed. And yep. A number of people have sensed this surge of confidence in my over te past few days.Yeah. My altar-EGO is building again. What I am about to mention is illegal in military context. Probably unacceptable by my parents. A great waste of money. Quite embarrasing but still.........its all about living for the moment.
Thursday night.We wanted to go to embargo. Its closed down. Went to zouk next. The crowd didn't suit us. Went to ChinaBlack.Its closed as well. And so on to rouge which was thankfully open. The music was inviting. Pang said its good. But when we reach there, the crowd was a mere 20 30 people. mostly in large groups. The bottomline, there was no one eye-worthy. A bunch of girls who look like they were sec 2 were dancing. Immediate comment from pang was that they are probably philipino maids. WHo knows? SO we went to drink instead and spent quite a heafty sum on it. even though it was one-for one. Drank like 2X burbon coke 1X gin lime 2 X tequila pop. Reason why we really drank so much is that it wasn't worth dancing. Well being honest, the lack of femanine presence on the dance floor was really quite discouraging. Whatever it is, its a thursday night and since we are already out of camp, might as well make it worse so we went to dance. Pang told me a caught quite some eyes cos I was really getting into the dance mood and so was kinda daring with the dance. Which probably made me stand out cos the crowd yesterday was really mood spoiling. They were just shaking around, rocking here and there. Well. Not quite the party mood it makes I would say. ANd i didn't realise that. So went pang told me, I looked around and saw how uninterested the crowd was with the music. Made me lose the dancing mood and so we went to drink more. Which was a bad move. Cos by then nick pang was getting DRUNK and the crowd was getting IN and HIGH. Caught eyes on some babes and made the move. But lets skip this part altogether. This does not a blog deem suitable. Well. Nick pang in all his 'Kelvin knows what' just won't heed my advice and insisted on graveyard. I told him I am not gonna drink but he still won't listen. Why get drunk when the purpose is to party. Gosh. And good move I made. That he being the 'better drinker' finish both glasses of graveyard himself with only the slightest assistance from yours truly. Better one be drunk then both. Guess what. As expected, he was dirt drunk and puke all over cineleisure, all the way on the ride back to camp, all over yew tee mrt, all the way back to kranji camp. Ok too much of an exageration here but...everytime I thought he is done with the puking, there is just more to come. And while he could happily sleep I had to stay awake so that we don't get robbed and there is someoen to keep track of the time. Well. In short. I didn't get to sleep but had to help that poor friend of mine. I too was in quite a bad state but not that bad at least. Wah, it was really quite a bad night. Touring all the clubs that we didn't get to enter was a bad start. The feeling of controlling your gut simply sucks and i swore i wanted to give up drinking all in all.So did that poor chap. ahah. Then when we finally got back to camp I slept for only 3 hours before the day started. While that Guy was still suffering from the lack of sleep plus sick feeling, I was all fine by the time I woke up. Hee. Maybe because of an unexpectecd good morning msg. Which was really sweet. ...kaoz a guy saying that....i really beginning to sound like a girl already.So sweet...ah crap... Back to my point. Amazingly, my desperate attempt to sleep in the afternoon failed. I jst couldn't sleep. Maybe because it was too hot. But still, I don't know why i ain't tired at all. Was a pure sun tanning afternoon for me.
I think I forgot to mention that I went to tour a large part of area D yesterday. Walking, running to the objectives to check them out. Its really quite a sensation to stand on Irene which overlooks a waterbody and a few other knolls. Wao. I felt really great then. It was windy and cooling despite the sun. Ought to go there again someday. Spent an hour walking around and getting familiar with the place so that I know the terrain. Yep. SImply walking with confidence knowing that I will get back to BMR. Agh.And i didn't mention that its a live firing area. All the guns I talked about earlier on were firing from BMR south-wards. ie towards my location. So...hmm...thrilling...but stupid and deserving of a few extras. haha.If any of them fire over the butt I think it would have well landed near me. Haha.ok. Keep quite please.
That sums up my week I would say. Everything I did just felt fun and refreshing. Even the getting drunk part was refreshing in a meaningful way. Its really kinda 'no-life' if you never get drunk before during your youth. Still, the idea of drunking sorrows is now totally gone from my head. The entire package of sick feeling doesn't help with anything except make you feel worse. What I am trying to say here is. Enjoy every single moment of life. Enjoy getting lost so that you can now challenge yourself to find your way back. Enjoy getting drunk so you know that it sucks. Enjoy the live-firing even if you think its a waste of time.Whats more important than being happy?

Internet explorer sucks

2005-03-15T04:09:00.000-08:00

Hang on me after i happily typed for 5 mins. So for now, a summary.Boring day. Nothing worth mentioning except that i broke my personal best for soc got 855. Yeah. Ought to thanks chun giat for it. Proved that all the late night combat runs and soc training have not gone to waste. Took off and went for interview. Mundane interview. Not worth mentioning. But i want to get through to the 2nd round and hopefully get the scholarship. But even if don't get also must take part int he 1 day camp and o make new friends. Wah that is a very nice way of phrasing it. Came home to eat my hor fun and chiong alcohol. No more soc for me so i can lift my no alcohol ban which i never abide to anyway. haha.
Then it was raining. But then she was happily talking to mother sunshine sister rainbow and brother cloud. Haha. So i don't disturb lor. Yup. I think yerterday is much more worthy of mention because I went to SOA and slept in the BX for like 2 hours. They tried to ramp up and lock me inside but haha. stupid. Woke up to see that someone finally reply my sms after being busy studying for sometime. Yep and the fact that she is fine is a relief. No matter what i do I don't want anybody to be sad or troubled about anything anymore.
Oh and I got called my smu telling me that I gotta go for interview next week. All thanks to delta live firing I still cannot get a comfirmation till now. But SMU sounds like a really good place. Heh Heh. Go ask janice for lunch.Haiz. A short and unstructure flow of thoughts written down in whats termed as a blog. haiz. at home also don't know what to do. Nothing much to do also. Sian. Think I go play game or watch a movie at home before I book in.

I wish...

2005-03-13T06:55:00.000-08:00

...that it were raining. So i can talk to you. To know that you are ok that you are fine. IN my self-fishness, I want to assure myself that I have not done you any harm so that I can be free of guilt. The same self-fishness makes me want to call you back. Because you suddenly seem so distant away. But I shut myself up. Why? Because I do not have the right to do so. Because I was the one who kept on running away from the rain. I ran without concern for how you felt. Now that you are so far away, I want you back. You are lost and don't know what to say. I on the other hand know full well that I am in no position to say anything. That its best I shut up and stop making a fool of myself. I always tell you not to feel guilty for nothing. And now, I guess i am suffering from the same mistake. It feels so strange not to hear from you. The way you once and only once replied. You sounded so normal I didn't know if you were fine. And each time this happens I tell myself that with time, it will be ok and we will be back as before. But in the back of my mind, I know that if i carry on with such an attitude, someday......Please please remember that silence only keeps people in the same spot. Keeps one guessing and thinking of the worst. And that there is nothing communication cannot solve. But I guess wong is correct. Its not that you do not want to say anything. But that you do not know what to say. I don't believe that I have to resort to talking to you through this pathetic little blog entries. But if you feel better this way, I will just say a simple Okay.
Gosh. How pathetic to have to say all this through my blogs. Its so embarassing.

Sunday Morning

2005-03-12T19:16:00.000-08:00

Woke up to a beautiful sunday morning. The air-con was comfortable but it added a cold stillness to my room. Somehow i wanted to see what its like out there so i off my air-con and slide open the window. There is this tree right outside. I never paid much attention to it. Somehow its existence was never in my mind. Its leaves were a bright orange, a warming glow from the morning sun. I lie in bed, thinking if its time for me to rise. Hoping that it is raining First thing i did, turned on my comp and was reminded of the fact that I have got a PSC application to finish by today. Nothing online. No mail meaning no essay. So i went to wash up and came back feeling afresh. Everytime I look at the mirror on weekends, I feel proud. I feel like a soldier at home. Such is a feeling of belonging, warmth and happiness. :) And then there is the spoiler...all the work that I need to do for my applications. Well, I have got an interview with EDB this coming tuesdays. Short notice but still its something worth being happy for. yeah. I guess i need to catch up on some good english conversation this 2 days. OUght to minus all the maciam, nnb and hokkiens from my language if not I will be a gonner. Schedule is getting tighter. Trainings to handle in camp. Carrer planning at home. Still all this is worth it.

I thought of this during one of my outfields last week. In no time I will be going to wallaby. A training ground of 100% accident rate. Yes this is true. No unit that ever went there have manage to avoid accidents. Then there is also the high fatality. Well. I pledge that before I leave for wallaby in Nov, I will

show my sisters more love.
be nice to my parents
thank all my friends
do all that i ever wished to
be happy and live a life of no regrets.

But still. I will come back to ORD and go to University.

Wonder whats up for me today. Guess I will be going out. Been stuck at home last weekend its time to go out for some great fun but. haiz. singapore. ok. Its time to go for lunch.
good day.

Got back from lunch jest to realise that I am half screwed because my supporting documents probably cannot reach PSC by tomorrow. Shout at my mother cos she talk simply too much cock. Haiz. But then again. I don't know why i am all so up tight. Stress? Maybe. Ought to manage it. Simply too bored I guess. Social circle too small. The only people you are close to during NS are your good friends and your army friends. but because you see them every single day. You don't wanna go out with them. That leaves you with your good friends. But then again. going out with the same people every week can be quite sian also. Haiz. What should I do today?
Sigh.An easy answer to that will come from knowing what I wish I can be doing right now. But i get only one answer to that. I don''t know.

:)

2005-03-11T22:15:00.000-08:00

Like demon knights we crept towards the edge. Disappearing into the suspension of dust and milky black darkness. First you see the outline, then all that is obvious is a pair of deep red eyes. And then slowly, slowly, it all fades into the cover of the night. You hear nothing, but a low hellish murmur.

All stations 32 this is 32 straight ahead 800, 3 APC on Jane half-right 300 Section troops entreched on INGA. Own sector responsibility, Bravo left APC, Alpha right APC, All MGs on INGA.The rest for local protection dismount. Fire upon my first shot out. Prepare to take up firing position, move now out.

A single swish breaks the ominous silence of the night. Then another one. The handheld rocket illums burst with a pop and descends like a falling star, lighting up the terrain for miles.And then.

Pa pa pa pa. The deafening firing of the 25mm bushmaster gun sends your ear ringing. Like pulses of white laser, the tracer rounds zap through the air and slams onto Jane almost a mile ahead. Then there is the red ones from the .50 HMG of the Alpha. All hell unleashes on the north-eastern slope of Jane. On Inga, ball and tracer rounds from the MGs rain down on the now pathetic open patch, deflecting into the sky like fireworks. In slighly less than a minute, the firing ceases. Just when you thought all has ended, 4 fireballs catapults from the Alpha vehicle. 50 metres ahead, a fire starts on the dry grassy slope of Kim. A curtain of thick white smoke forms from the 4 smoke canisters, reflecting the deep orange flames. A platoon rushes forward towards the vehicles and mounts the black stallions. In no time, they are gone....Headed for Jane.

On the southern slope of Jane, 14 man hide in the trenches. Their face muddy, black and green. Sweat soaks them as their anxious heart pounds. They are now all alone. Who knows whats next. They can sense something coming.They can hear it. A distant murmur they cannot distinguish from the shellshock that just struck them.Whats obvious to them is their heartbeat.
Without notice and the the greatest awe of all of them, 2 BXs ram through the vegetation ahead of them. They couldn't even see it clearly. Not because they are all cloaked in darkness, but because the CoAxs are slamming into them, pinning them in down in their trenches crying for help.A third stallion has now formed up behind. The platoon dismounts in the blink of an eye, faster then the soldiers can now cork their weapons in their trenches.

Platoon, fire movement forward.... BC shouts.

Ok well. It can sound all cool described in text but the truth is far from this suppossed successful assault. All thanks to IAs, radio problems. OC scolding the shit out of bravo. Ha.In the end, we spend hours and hours waiting. Thats was the platoon live firing and went through yesterday. Resulted in me having no sleep for the whole of last night cos there is simply so much after action work to do. And I only slept for 2 hours. Well. Considering that the night before. Thats thurs night, I only had 4 hours of sleep after a few bottles of barcardi, vodka, long island and some great pizzas.

Well, it was a great week. Had me smiling :) everyday. With everything normal. Or suppossed normal. Cos a good actor will still know that he is acting. Bai tian suo wan an. Hei ye suo zao an. Haha.And someone was probably still lost as to what to do and so kept a distance away. But still thats nothing compared to me always on the run. Rubbish la.Haiz. And then there is this one msg saying hey...dun...me ma. Maybe I am too stupid to know what that means at all. Maybe simply forgetful? or maybe just plain cock to be overly sensitive about things be its ok. Kai xing jiu hao.

I came home to do my scholarship applications, also hoping to see an email but then there was none. Which is a good thing. Means she ting hua never go and think much about it. At this rate, things will be as b4 in no time.

~Separation pulls people closer together~

......

2005-03-06T04:11:00.000-08:00

I guess i set off wrongly. Because I set off to know her as a person. I didn't set off to take the breath out of her. Sank too much into friendship. Thinking that like me, she will see one day that romance can evolve out of friendship. Yet who am I to ask that of her? I know its not wrong for me to have done so. Just that, things doesn't work this way. Girls are girls afterall. I must have been dreaming to think that she is an idealist. How I wish i can just press a reset button and have another short at it from the start. To start afresh. I think this is one times good example of how cuo guo le yong yuan bu ke neng zai hui tou. But still I am glad I brought happiness to her life and was there for her. Maybe I should buy what I always say. Its the same. So what am I still looking for. Romance and friendship, two sides of th same coin. Standing face to face, we hold the coin between us, looking at different sides of it. Mei you se me hao ke si de. How does she expect me to just let it go when she mean so much to me?Aiya. Fuck it and just continue to be happy.Afterall, its all that matters. There is no such thing as getting over until someone else crosses your life. We can both go back and try again but I guess she will rather dwell in the beauty of the present. You really want me to get over with?

Book in

2005-03-05T23:11:00.000-08:00

Please please let me book in and confine me. Make me the guard 2 for next weekend and give me tons of work. Haiz. Because I know it washes everything away. When I am back in there with that green Uniform on me, I think no more than what I am doing. I was once a firm believer in getting things sorted out rather than running away. Now i am that little boy in his slippers running down the empty streets all drenched in the rain. The boy who stole the apple. The boy who gave in to his desires with an irrational mind. Piece of crap.

I knew this will happen some day. Its just a matter of time I let loose my feelings. But I wished it never happened. That it never existed. Why can't things be the way it was. Dwell in the static past. Time and again I made promises saying I won't ever I won't ever but every single time I break them. Is it because I made the promises knowing its something i won't be able to keep? Because my will isn't strong enough to hold against my emotions. And now I add on to her problem, when I said I won't ever be.Fuck! excuse the language.

And now I wonder. If this series of event is predestined. And that whatever happened was meant to happen. Whatever will happen will happen no matter how hard I tried. And i did try. I tried to prevent it. By holding back. And I know its all too late and useless to say all this now. What I said last night will have its consequences. And I know how she will feel to hear me say those words. But what can I do. I am but a human manipulated by my emotions. And I know that I will run away in cowardice once again. And that it will hurt her again. This world is seriously full of shit.What can I do what can I do. I wish I get shot during platoon live firing sia. So I can have a hole big enough for me to hide. I am seriously defenseless and helpless and pathetic sia. And now I am thinking of dying. What the!!! Whats wrong with me. I am just not the Kelvin i recognise.Wake up!!!! stop living in the beauty of this dream.
kaoz. I think I just made her feel sad again.

Arg damn it sia. I don't feel like writing or saying anything anymore.

We both can't help

2005-03-05T08:30:00.000-08:00

je veux lui dire à quel point je jaloux suisque je suis tombé triste et pathétiquecela là qu'ils apprécient tandis que je suis ici sans elleque je me souhaite était celui là à la placemais je ne peux pas lui dire toute ces dernierscos ceci la préoccuperale créancier de cos i veulent jamais être son problème detypepourquoi est il que je l'aimequelqu'un qui est une impossibilité a basé sur descirconstances

comment peut I être jaloux à ce sujetje suis déjà béni pour l'avoir dans ma viecomment ose j'exigez tels d'elleje suis en aucune position à faire ainsi, pour être jaloux

Saturday in Red and Orange

2005-03-05T07:23:00.000-08:00

I should be writing my essay for PSC right now, but well...it takes a little motivation to get myself moving. Somehow army drains away the intellectual drive in you, agree? Woke up this morning feeling fresh though I slept at like 3 last night.Was talking with janice, waiting for her to 'knock off' from work before I head for bed. Sometimes I wish i am as hardworking as her, then I will have no worries with the scholarship essays. Haiz, that girl. Talking with her seems more natural these days. Conversations aren't as leng dan as before. And I must say that is a relief since my female social circle has really shrunk quite alot. Yep, I know I have myself to blame because I sometimes tend to dao people. Maybe I need to wake up my idea and don't hiam on my female friends. There is really only 2 ladies in this world I can't handle. Janice with her amazing attitude; my mum and her...gosh I don't know how to put this down in words. Haha.

And then it started raining. Mr wong immediately said in msn. I think you no need to sleep liao. Which seems rather true. Its strange. For the past few days, half of me was trying to adopt the don't bother about her attitude. The other half simply enjoy missing her. I don't really understand but as I told wong. Stop thinking so much and be appreciative of what we have now. If not, of what we already had. And because I know she will most probably read this, I shan't talk more about this. Haiz, remember what she said, remember how she felt. Don't want her stressing and thinking about whats up my mind. Part of wanting her to be happy involves me being happy. Kao my english really sucks I really can't phrase this kind of ideas without equations.Grrgg...

A close observe will realise I no longer (ok well i just did so..seldom) write about me and her. Plus I don't talk about me and her unless really necessary. Aiya, cock I think this is one times big dramatic irony. Whatever.

~Deep down inside, I am trying to deny an innate feeling~

Eh dear girl. Something for you. I think you know what to do. Just that you are not too sure of whether its appropriate. I will second whatever decision you make ok. Maybe I am not too involved in the situation therfore I am saying this but I guess it isn't really a big issue. So there is no point worrying or being sad about it. Please don't blame yourself for everything. You want to touch people's life and bring happiness. Yes of course you can but it doesn't always work your way. So long as you try to make people happy, I think you have done your part. Whether the person finds happiness eventually is up to him or her.

I am talking to you right now. The way you talk.haha its really kinda innocently ke ai. haiz.

ar ba du ar ma

2005-03-04T08:16:00.000-08:00

End of a happening week. Just finished writing an essay for application. Barely 300 words and I almost died. Worse of all, I already had an essay plan and it still took more than an hour. Why is it so easy to blog but so hard to write essay?

Earlier on, I was at BK eating my favourite meal. Then there was this little boy probably a year old, maybe less right beside me. Haha so cute. I love kids. Then he was looking at me. Naturally I started playing with him also. He tried to grab my onion rings. Next thing his father stop him. But of course, it was almost natural that i offer one to him. His eyes stared at the onion ring as if he never saw it before, as if it was a gift. Haha. Don't know what that boy thinking also. He nimbled on the thing, then grabbed it from my fingers. wah, wah wah. I want to be a father!!! See the way he talk in the gibberish ar ba du ar ma. Bao my sun play with him watch him chu stunt and shua tiao pi. Too sad, I am not even married nor attached. Worst part of it all is that I am finacially incapable of supporting a family!!!! arrggg...ok thats a great motivation to work through the next five or six years. truly adds meaning to life.

Its almost amazing how I am on top of my Black Horse with camo on at one moment and the next, I am playing with a little boy in BK.

Remember Ex gypsy, Jukebox and rolling thunder? Yeah, I did all 3 on sunday night. Book in in the afternoon, draw arms then went to gedong to prep vehicle. Then bought some goodies for the night. We went on a rover outm to Kim at around 11. Thom couldn't remember the way. Good grief in all father lim's wisdom i had a map with me and based on pure memory or the objectives and features i found the way to KIM 1. Got thom off. Me a Pand night navi back to gedong. Commencing EX gypsy. Cool part is that we got mini n sea with us haha. bad part is that now i gotta write statement for the damn equipment cos the rubber tore slightly.

We tried getting through 4 to 5 gates. Couldn't. Thing is I recee the place months back so i know there is an infiltration point. Same thing. There are guards prowling the area with live ammo so if we kanna caught. Eh. thats it i guess. I won't be blogging now. We broke through, went to some prowling checkpoints, fooled around and made sure the guards sign extra the next morning. haha. then E and E back to our admin area when ice cold bacardi breezers were waiting for us. Wah. Its is truly those kind of once in a life time experience. Its like playing splinter cell in real life.shiok sia. can't really describe the excitement through words.

Slept for a few hours then went for AI section live firing. Its one of my most enjoyable armour battle course experience. Felt like ops, chiong and bash through small roads Superman superman then see my section dismount clear forward, some more it was drizzling. should have flimed all of it down, its really very cool. The night was even better, we went faster and there was handheld illum to light up the night sky.Too too bad i didm't have 0.5 ammo to fire if not i think i sure over the moon.

Washed vehicle throughout the night after live firing, wah super tired cold and hungry. But no choice. after the fun there is always shit to do and I don't really mind. Wednesday was a slack day though, I sia lan noel and fong sheng. ahah. went nights off again. again because tuesday night the rest book out while me and pang slept from 7 to 7. came back from nights off, we decided to train for atec by not sleeping so we played ghost recon 2 in the men's rest room. wah. Army life as a spec is really lik going to chalet to play.

Last night they just went to chiong at double O. Heard nick pang was drunk shit. haha. geuss what, OC was the conducting for the night ops ie clubbing. They too hiong already.

Suddenly, I don't feel like blogging already. bye bye.

Black Hawk Down.

2005-02-26T06:54:00.000-08:00

Pang:Ps its very dark ah, I am not gonna hug the bend.
Marc:No no. Just go just do.

240205 2050hrs

We were at the BDC training shed, talking cock with ah Goh and OC sir. The man were in a hustle, impatient, waiting for their turn to go.Platoon 11 have left for their night battle course. The rest were just waiting. A safety rover sat silent at the back of the training shed.And then...

Any station 39 this is 33 vehicle overturn
Any station 39 this is 33 vehicle overturn

Lt ZX voice was a blur murmur coming from the speakers. His voice calm, yet carrying an all urgent tone. I turned and saw ah Goh and OC rushing for the rover screaming for the driver.

All fell silent in the shed. Every single one in there knew something happen but suspense filled the air. The only thing we knew came through the radio. It didn't occur to me that it was my vehicle.

I went straight for a manpack set as the rover dashed off along the battlecourse route. Its the same thing I hear

Any station 39 this is 33 vehicle overturn vehicle overturn
It sounded sickly familiar. Just like how the C2 birds reported in to JOC that a black hawk has been shot.
Its the Alpha vehicle. 33A. Pang is on it. I guess I do not need to describe what happens when a BX turns turtle. And at that very instance, I remember how I told Pang to come back alive before he set off for the day battle course. Then I was trying to mimic an ops situation, cos the plt battle course did have this ops feeling to it. All I was trying to do was to add an element of tension and thrill to it. Yet at the very back of my mind, I knew the ever present danger of armour training.Just that it was never that real to me.
240205 2055 hrs I did not know if my friend was dead or alive.

39, anybody injured.
33, nobody is injured.
33, I am now 20 east of Julia open patch.

And today I thought about that night. About how I felt when I hear Lt ZX voice over the radio. Trying to figure out what happened.I felt my hair stand on ends.You really never know when you will just go. Without a word of goodbye. I remember what my primary school teacher said. Everytime when you said goodbye, it may mean bye bye forever. And come to think of it. Those few days I was having this very bad feeling. Good thing I averted it. But then, I was this close to losing a friend on that thursday night.Learn to cherish every moment of life. And everyone around you.

This week is just so eventful. From giving up on my man and listening to Pang and Wong tell me not to. To, hearing Pang tell me that he has given up on his man-also. To, realising that my PC is haiz useless. To to to so many so many things.

Basically, both Pang and me are trying hard to remind ourselves that we are just NSFs. Why be so concerned about this and that. Had Sect prof test last wed. And I thought ZX was damn sia lan. Look at the way he talk to ask as if we owe him something. And pang was saying, all this stupid people really don't know how to think. He had given up hope on them as well. After the plt battle course on thurs, I think if any of the PC try to boss around and further, I think I will give some payback during ATEC.

Gosh. Lt BC totally don't know what he is doing. I knew all along I don't really respect him as a person. Yet, I respected him for his rank, for his extra knowledge and ability to lead a platoon to fight. For having been through much tougher training then I have.This all went down the drain on wed. At one point, my PS was asking me in a rather confused voice. How come PC park his vehicle in the open. And OC sort of commented on him prempting the split RPG. Thats ok. He went on to jam the radio with his er...er...er...I am now along brownie.

Gosh, we were on Volvo. It simply shows that he didn't do any map study before it. So much for preparing oneself huh?As a PC.Maybe its really quite long since he commissioned. Been half a year.

Then there was this platoon mounted assault when he went to the wrong side. And the Bravo vehicle nearly went up his ass. I remember seeing him point point point indicating that Kumar should be on the other side. HAHA. very funny ya. And OC said: BC do again the platoon assault is F*** up. I could hear that he is beginning to sound pissed. And he questioned BC if he went to clear the 2 trenches on the right side. Apparently he didn't. Cos he said he didn't saw it. So OC ask him if her cleared the trenches and he said he is not sure.

You not sure?
er...er...
Did you clear the trenches. I want a comfirmation answer.
er...I supposs so.
In war there is no supposs

And then OC almost screwed him cos he tried to outflank a bridge while enemy is raining down arty. OC was so pissed he declared him down immediately. What a joke. It was feeling all great when we moved out from the admin area.
Rodeo Rodeo
I waved the blue white flag as we column out of the admin area. Rounds all load and ready. VPs going through the radio. All cool. Felt really exciting and fun. But as I went through it, I began to wonder why I am wasting my time doing it with someone incapable. Sad sia.

Stayed up till 3 o clock last night playing ghost recon 2 in the man's restroom. Was too late and so I didn't feel like booking out. Have been doing vehicle maintainence the whole day. And I was all dirty and smelly. Ok. Don't digress. Its really nice to suddenly hear my phone beep beep and see 888888. Haha.All the just popping by to say hihi. Filling me in on what she is doing. It always felt great and I hope it will always be this way. That day I woke up early like 4am to prep. Saw 5 new sms and though it must be my mom who have been calling all night. Imagine how I felt like I haven't woke up and was still dreaming to see my phone flooded with her telling me about how its snowing. Guess she once said I brought her out of a world of fairy tales into reality. Now i feel I am sinking into dream world. but then. whatever la.

What I am to you
is what matters for you.
What matters for me
is what you are to me.

I think this is a good reminder isn't it.Wao. What a week. I had so much so much to write. I wanted to descirbe how cool it is to see the BXs really disappear into the black of the night. just 20m away from me. I wanted to descirbe how I fell into a stone and sian mood when I know she is happily throwing snow balls when I am cleaning an M16 bolt. But whatever. It was a terrific week. Went out with my 2 brothers today and spent quite alot of money. Bleah. Mostly on a phone cos my 8250 spoilt after i dropped it.Then it was `raining~ all the way back home and I rushed to come online. Wao. Life is great isn't it. Meaningful. Happy. But it can be all dull and sad and all that. It really all depends on how you see it. Trust me.

démoralisé

2005-02-21T04:18:00.000-08:00

I just said something I never thought I would say. Nick pang was telling me alot of my man are sleeping instead of cleaning arms. Nothing amazing, but something I seldom see when I am around. Swear in the name of Kelvin.

"Eh alot of your platoon man are sleeping"
"Care for what, why should I care about them. They are not worth me caring for them"

I said this infront of a few of nick pang's man and I guess I saw a few stunned looks. True. I am stunned as well.Its not like me. Scroll down and see whats the last sentence of my last entry. Neh. A series of events have made big changes to how I am view NS.

This morning, while still hot in my enthusiasm to take over SC role and bring my man for urban ops revision training. Yong seng said in a half joking half expecting manner for me to take 4 groups while he and sebe each share half. Of course I won't respond strongly to that. Not too long after, one of my man said something that really struck me.

"Sgt, you finally wake up, you finally learnt to be like the other sgt like that already. Afterall also serve 2 years, care so much for what."

I say again, that statement struck me. And I know full well that it is the weakness of my will to serve in true professionalism that allowed me to fall for this. I was disappointed, sad and demoralised. I spent some time thinking about this after and tried to talk to my section while sitting under a tree to la liang. I figured that what really disappointed me was that the man are as uninterested as the commanders. I have know since the very start that some of the commanders are totally bo hui. But i chose to stick to the principle of doing my part, fulfilling my duty and not giving a wooden nickle to what they think about me. After what my man said, I realised its in all my stupidity that i actually thought that my man are better in terms of attitude. I wonder when that thought ever sink into me. TO think that my man are more interested in Ns than the slack specs. Fuck me. I must have been nuts.Excuse the language please.Thats why I am disappointed.
Someone once told me. Everyone is like that, why should you care. And I always responded with this:what others think or do doesn't concern me. I believe in what I am doing. Thats why. Yet such words are those of an idealist. SOmething that won't work in reality. Its near impossible to even do your job properly. Even if you are all strong in your will and self believe, being different in attitude only puts you in a bad light because no one recognises the value of you being different. The minority who do have no influence.
Am I wrong? Through SOA 21 weeks. In unit probably 15 weeks and counting. I have met bastards after bastards suaning me and almost ostrocising me because I am different. Eh fuck. I am me.Simply because you are a fuck and you dare to express your fucked up attitude through oppresive means doesn't mean that I will give a damn about what you think.
Come on guys, You see the difference? Mechanise me and analyse this.Even if my mindset is unshaken, I am unable to function. I wish to explain this no more. I guess the mediocre will see crap in what I just said. I hope someone understands.
And yes, I know that letting my emotions interfere with the way I am handling things right now is simply a sign that I have no professionalism in my job; that I have no will to stand up for my own course in the face of strong opposition.And for the whole day, and I guess for days to come, they can expect to see no spec there for them when they need help. They can forget about me fighting for them. I dare say this in the face of kelvin knows what number of readers. I tried my best in fighting for them all along, and I did fight for them many times. I did give them the greatest of care in the most subtle ways, knowing that few will recognise it. Now i think about all this. I guess it no longer matters.
TOday I finally understood why one of my sgt once told me, there is no such thing as loyalty to country this days. Great. I knew but I did not understand. The day when there is a need to fight. I will fight for my friends family and loved ones.
And my man asked me, Sgt you ever thought of signing on, I said yes, but definitely not with the SAF. And for a clear view of things, who knows, many the police force is like that as well. AM i sure of my career? Yet it seems that the working sector is all different, because people will be fighting and backstabbing each other to make themself stand out. Its all so different. Guess I need time to think through all this.
Haiz, I never felt quite this bad before. NS sucks. Not because you chiong. But because a large part of the force couldn't give a fuck about it.Ns sucks.I guess they need to see some combat to wake up their idea.
Haiz, dear girl how you doing?

Pride

2005-02-20T01:51:00.000-08:00

Suddenly felt very proud that I am an armour spec. To be in the armour formation. To wear the black beret. Now i understand why Marc Yong once said armour is the decisive force, that its the main punching force. They navy nor the airforce alone cannot fight a war simply because they cannot takeover land. In the army, guards infantry arty nor the combat engine have the ability to fight alone. But a war can be won purely with armour. Yes though it would be very very difficult in the present combined arms context. But we are talking about possibility vs impossibility. Think of it, I am a Knight.With Pride.
Spent the large part of the day sleeping and cooking up some ecret ideas I am not gonna share here. Haha. Thank you siow ween. Then saw janice only talked with her for qutie some time, haven't been so personal in terms of conversation with her for a long time. And I realized, although she is still abit cold cold one, it is really quite interesting to talk with her. Afterall, I think other than my mother, she is the only one who can make me Pek Chek. Ha. Indeed nice to have her around. Introduced her to my blog too. Hope she will be reading. Really really need to catch up with her. Lets go out someday when you free ok?
Wah, thinking of next week, its gonna be another siong one. I wonder why the man complain so much.

Oh no, I think what I wrote in chinese on msn yesterday to sq yesterday abit too mushy already. *shiver shiver* now I hope she didn't get it.*Pray pray*

OK, ready to book in. Go back watch Black Hawk Down. Then ready to fight again. Yeah!!! I love NS.

SLap head.

2005-02-19T04:55:00.000-08:00

Basically, if you look closely at the date and time, this is only hours after my previous entry. Right now, I think i should bang my head against the wall cos its pretty damn useless. Something dumb just happened. This is it.

Tried to ask for her address so that I can send something. End up, she claimed she gave before and said 'You also won't send things anyway'. =p

Sounds like oh no to me.Point here to note. I didn't read you wrongly. Just that if I spell things out, its not gonna be fun. You will just say bleah. So i tried to salvage abit, making one times big mistake, remembering the wrong month of her bday. OK. Thats it for you Kelvin.Arrrrgggggggg. I am screaming off at my sheer dumbness and at the same time smiling relentlessly.Why? Its like strawberry ice cream.Can just imagine the look on her face as she slams down the BBBBBBB on her key board. Zou zhe de mei tou. Saying"Kelvin I am not gonna talk to you anymore" haha. Haven't seen her sa jiao for a long time. Think she will be grrping down her lunch, biting her spoon so tightly like an angry xiao mei mei, thinking of how to make me feel bad.

And so, I just wrote in pure lousy chinese a short letter of my feelings. hope she got it.Hope thats not a mistake as well.

Point of information.

2005-02-19T02:18:00.000-08:00

Who say i am a loser in relationships? I have a good bunch of friends. Haha. And yes, I just spent one good day with a bunch of good friends.
Been a long long week. Seem as if monday was way back. A truly interesting and eventful week I would say. SO much learnt and experiences. But I am too busy to blog, so i forgot most of the things I would like to add here. Plus, my right middle finger hurts a little because I have got a good cut on it after yesterday's battle course.Lets backtrack.

He walked down the garden alone,solemly, almost humble. Blue top, khakhi pants. Stud and sturdy in built. Around him, children's giggled as they played. An old man slowly walk pass him. Can you imagine the scene of a bright and sunny saturday morning.He reminded me of Ryan. Who knows what he is thinking. In his mind, his wife? Work? Or the harsh realities of life he saw in East Timor. What impression will you form of him if you, a stranger, walked pass him.You know nothing of him. Nothing of what he has gone through. Nuts about his ability. All you can see, is him-quiet.
Behind me, his man cursed him. To them, he is a bastard. A bastard who does things for their good. A commander who goes down very harshly on them to make them soldiers. They all know this. Yet, they curse and swear. Its not a question of why the man do this. The question is, why is he doing all that he had done. Why risk his life in Timor Leste? He has got a wife here. Why make himself a bastard? He will still get the same old pay by smoking out-huilan.
I guess its got nothing to do with what you see on SAF Adverts. Its not for honour and glory. Not for country. Not for fame nor fortune. Not to earn himself respect. Its something very close to heart. Its for personal fulfilment. He does it because he likes it. He enjoys it. It adds meaning to his life.
That might not be what drives him. Because it is my own reason. Its what drives me. Yet I feel I am not up to it. Unlike what one might think, it is very difficult to take initiative and fulfil your responsibilities when people all around simply can't give a damn. They chose to shrink their circle of responsibilities. I did not expand mine. And there are two kinds of people to this. One will keep quiet and let you do what you deem fit. The other type would say:Don't be extra.

~What the F.~

Regulars. Some are ok. Some simply have got no aptitude for army at all. I wonder why they sign on. Wonder why they don't get kicked away.To this kind of people, I have only one thing to say:Eh if you are not up to it, thats your problem. If you don't wanna be responsible, don't be a commander. Son't expect me to downgrade myself to let you stand out as a regular.You want to tell me what to do? Neh!

Haiz. So tired now. Been having rather little sleep.Monday morning COS. Remember I promised to make my man do area cleaning on V day? Ya. I almost sign 3 because area cleaning not up to RSM standard. Heng never kanna. At night, went out with a bunch of singles. Haha. Went to Pub, then decided not to book in. Stayed over at a friend's house and only went back on the next morning.
Wed Soc, didn't really had the motivation to run. IN the end. Fail until jialat jialat because never put in effort. Haha. Most of us failed. While the man laughed at some of the commanders, they were rather shocked i failed and encouraged me. Thats the f ing difference.
Suddenly don't feel like blogging.

Bllrrrrr...also don't know how that xiao mei mei is doing in UK. Only know she stressed and tired. Can't really paint a picture of her life. But i guess she can make one out of my blogging. Hey.Interesting.Actually, I also very very tired. Later go play black gold then write again at night. Haha.

2005-02-13T02:05:00.000-08:00

Been quite up with this blogging thing. In fact, it isn't anything new to me. Used to have open diary. But sometimes, things change as times goes by. These days, writing just feels different. Instead of blogging last night, I decided to read through my blog entries for the past month. As I read, it seemed like such a long time have passed. But its actually only 44 days into the new year. So much has happened since the start and to be frank the new year didn't really start off well. BUt nontheless, I must admit that i learnt alot through this short period of time.

~Why is the learning process always one step behind mistakes~

Tomorrow is V day. Meaning, alot of people are on leave and it should be one times slack day. Hope can have nights off then go out relax relax. Hmm. What did you do on V day one year back? Do you still remember. IN my memory, I was at Pulau Tekong range doing my BTP basic train fire package. No no. Thats the day before. Meaning, 365 days back I was cleaning arms and doing one times jialat jialat area cleaning. Heh Heh. I gotta make my man do that tomorrow.
And on V day I remember going out with dear friend janice. I must say that in my recent realisation of how I have been quite a bastard to sierra quebec that I realise Janice is yet another person whom I failed to appreciate. She too endure alot of shit from me.Hmmm Why is it that I am always giving such nice people hell lot of shit.Haiz. See why i say learning is always one step slow? Last year, I went out with her on the day after V day and demostrate one times negative example of being unappreciative. And it is a perfect negative example.And so, tomorrow I shall do something which I think is nice. I gonna call her and thank her. For being around.

If I can ling hun chu qiao. I will look at kelvin and say.
"Eh, I think its time you WAKE UP. DO you realise how much stupid things you have done. You know how many times i should have just give you one tight slap for saying stupid things? You better sort this out before I sort you out."
Then I will slap Kelvin.

*shake*shake*
Haiz.

Seriously, I wonder why on earth these people whom I have failed to appreciate never give me one times jialat jialat. Am i truly blessed.Hmm...

OK. Lets talk a little about today before I go out. Wake up at 0800hrs to play game. Sq replied my nite msg so I thought she online. SO went to check out. But she not so I went off to play game as planned. If I talk about the same game again and try to describe how I whopped the enemy with....okok enough....I think people will soon start to boycott my blog. Then went out to watch movie with my 2 good brothers. Today orchard is flooded with couples. Maybe thats why someone is so damn sian. EH come on SOldier. Nvm. As usual, prankster in me thought of a good plan. You know V day always got alot of chio bu going around looking all pretty trying to sell flowers. If ever one approach me to buy flowers, This will be a good scene for an ALFIE stlye movie.

"I'll only buy the last rose you have"
*Sit around till she sells all but the last rose*
"As promise, I shall buy the last rose,, this is for you"

OKok, its time to get back to reality. Guojun somehow connected his present situation to mahjong. Think he play too much. He claims he is now in a ting pai state, waiting for the last time to HU. Then he said all 3 of us are waiting to hu, IE ting pai. But I bet to differ. I think I have got 13 yao with me minus the last tile to hu. So, I feng pai and try to change every single tile and see what happens.

OK, being serious, I know that I have been affected lately. Thing is I don't wanna talk about it. For a reason. More of missing rather than anything else. Like i always say, I think I already have all I could ask for. BUt its human nature to yearn for what the heart desires. BUt then, I am constantly reminding myself that I am already very lucky and I should not ask for more. That was something I was trying to tell wong.

~Be happy with what we have.~

Arrrggg.

2005-02-11T21:37:00.000-08:00

"39 this 33, contact tank wait out"
"All stations 33 this 33 short halt!"

To his left, 2 bradleys burst in flames. One already overturned.

"Identified on fire!Target, advance"

Sand blowing right in his face. All around, shells slam the ground. One missed by a mere metre, the impact almost overturning his vehicle. Admist the confusion of combat, he saw the enemy tank divert fire to the right entrace of the valley. Friendly have arrived just in time. The PCs' face turned white. He had just lost his cub and alpha vehicle. They were no match for the MBTs. The M1A1s brought hope. Maybe, just maybe, he will be live to collect the remains of his man. The radio going through his CVC no longer made sense. The events all around seem to slow to a swirl. He felt a sudden flood of warmth down his legs. His pants were all wet.

"Sir!Sir!"

Shellshocked!

All was in favour of victory. We held all three junctions in the defense line. One platoon to each. The terrain provided a strategic natural line of defense, allowing rapid lateral transfer of forces. Inaddition, we far outnumbered them.

Major, according to your reports, the third platoon fell at 0830 hrs. They recieved heavy mortar fire and you immediately called for them to retreat at 0825. At the same time, you called for air support. What were you trying to do? Major.

I was trying to buy time. Buy time for the 3rd platoon to fall back to the security area.

Fall back?

Sir yes sir.

Major, did it occur to you that by authorising your forces to fall back from the IDL, you are directly jeopardising the lives of your forces holding the other junctions. You should know better that your actions opened a path for the enemy to conduct a massive flanking on your entire defense forces.

Yes sir.

Admist all the strategic advantage that i had, I made a mistake in command. I am responsible for the lives lost. What a relief its only a game. Damn, I haven't lost in such a long time. Suffered 1X major defeat. Arrgggg. An emotionally clouded mind is a mind incapable of decisive actions.

Bored bored. I haven't caught any of the movie that i was hoping to catch. Hmm. Somehow i am beginning to lose interest in the movies already. Wong's plight dawn quite harsly on me. And from past experience, I have learnt that one's heartbreak often leads others to emotional unheavels which somehow somehow leads to stupid simlar actions. Stay cool. Good thing for me is that I know what I want for the Present. I already have all that I can ask for. In no position to ask for more. Who ask me to be such a bastard. For now, getting more than i already have will come as a gift.

Analogy: I only deserve this much. Been given more than I deserve. To get more, is a gift.

Have been kind of off track lately. Its about time I get back to serious stuff. Thats inaddition to focusing on army. Gotta put in more effort in securing my future. To be frank. I am indeed feeling a little lost. Used to know how to achieve what I want and gone step by step. And until now, I must say that I have never failed to achieve the goals i set for myself. And hence my future is no exception. Simply need some time to get myself focused.

~The differnce between a dreamer and a doer is affirmative actions~

孤单北半球

2005-02-11T07:11:00.000-08:00

用我的晚安陪你吃早餐记得把想念存进扑满我望着满天星在闪听牛郎对织女说要勇敢别怕我们在地球的两端看我的问候骑着魔毯飞用光速飞到你面前要你能看到十字星有北极星作伴少了我的手臂当枕头你习不习惯你的望远望不到我北半球的孤单太平洋的潮水跟着地球来回旋转我会耐心地等随时欢迎你靠岸少了我的怀抱当暖炉你习不习惯e给你照片看不到我北半球的孤单世界再大两颗真心就能互相取暖想念不会偷懒我的梦通通给你保管

1 X power song.Let the mind make sense out of it. Just suddenly thought of dedicating this song to someone overseas. Its an honour.

Saw wong in a sad light today. Come on. Its time for everyone to move on in life.

Somehow today, I am ot in the mood to blog. Nothing interesting that I wish to talk about at all. Though my day was quiet interesting. Somehow jan always online and busy. Can't talk with her. Suck thumb? Thats something we learn through the past one year. Haiz. Its time to go into my humble retreat.

2005-02-10T07:33:00.000-08:00

Air support is 30 seconds late. The pair of Russian Hind-D took out the power supply at the top of the southern knoll. Pillbox down. All of a sudden, the crew felt all alone in their M1A1 Abram.Intel indicates massive enemy armour movement towards the knoll. The lone tank retreats to the western side. The first line of defense is down. All there is left is a few AT mines at the turning on top. The crew knew it won't last. To the Northwest, 2 friendly AH64s took out the Hind-Ds in no time with their hellfire missles. But its all too late. The hills been captured.

"Mayday! Mayday!"

The pilots scream. Their desperate cries echoed through the radio, reminding the crew of their own fate. "Taking fire!39 this 34, Request for backup now!"

"39 this 32, permission to engage."

"39, positive"

"32, wilco wilco"

The 3 bradleys, 2nd platoon, gets into combat mode as they rush eastwards. Half a mile ahead, they witness their battle buddy blow up in flames. The sharpnels flying in all directions like desperate souls.

"32 this 39 have you got visual on 34"
"Say again 32 this 39 have you got visual on 34"

All is silent. A tactical mistake? Or could it have been all different if the Apaches were there. Wrong deployment? There was defense in depth, the forces were flexible. Bradleys responded on time. What went wrong?

That sums up the best part of my day. Spent an hour or so play WW3:Black Gold. One of the most realistic modern world strategy game I ever played. Was trying to practice some armour tactics. But then, heh...i guess i need some fine tuning. Nevermind, anyway i got my fun out of learning? Gosh...does that make sense. Whatever.

Halfway through the game and I was made to go to Chun Dao He Pan. For the uninformed, its this yearly bazaar-like event held near esplanade. Trust me, its not worth going. Traffic is already a killer so if ever you decide to go against my advice, at least take public transport. How did I end up there? We were forced to. Because mom says "Sister wants to go". Come on. She didn't.

My mom almost drove me crazy. Doing things I cannot explain with a logical mind. Its a mixture of anger, laughter and desperate cries. Ok my english ain't good. Simply speaking. Pek Chek. Wah now i think about it want to peng already. Sometimes I wonder why she always use my youngest sister as a subject to voice out what she wants. Or does she truly mean well for my sis. Fulfilling my sister's childhood; or fulfilling her wish to see my sister enjoy what she Ought to. Come on, this isn't real at all.

Next half of my day involves something I do not wish to talk about here so I should just skip this. Bleah.........I wish I could eat darkchocolate and strawberry ice cream now. Anyone knows what they taste like together? Hmm. I can taste it without eating it at all. Tat!

Anyway, my weekend should be kicking off tomorrow morning. Gonna eat breakfast with my good brother then watch movie. Got some friends coming over tomorrow night. SHould add up to a happening day if all goes well. Wonder how long this kind of days will last, when even ah wong goes overseas to study. Damn, why is it like a standard kind of thing for some people to study abroad and yet it feels like a challenge for me to get a scholarshup. Haiz sucks.

Arrgg. I am feeling tired already. Before I sleep I must conquere the North-West enemy base. SO alios.

The happiness inside

2005-02-09T22:55:00.000-08:00

I am not quite sure if you are aware of the movie 'The sea inside'. I wrote about it some weeks back. But..yeah for the uninitiated...its about this quadriphlegic fight for euthanasia.This man roams the white sandy beach purely through his imagination. We can do that too. All we need is to make reality out of our own imagination. It brings me back to some theory of reality i wrote before but thats not the point here. This few days, I have been thinking alot and to give it a more emotional touch, I put myself through hypothetical situations. Imaginary realities. Such brings both sadness and happiness. But above all, it brings me close to my heart so I could see what it truly wants.

I used to know what the megalomania in me wants. Used to think that I am whole, complete. But I failed to recognise that much as I claim I am inhuman, neglecting the human side in me has inevitably caused me to neglect the people around me. Over time, this has added up to a legacy worthy of guilt. But its all about learning from mistakes isn't it?Yes, thats one of the biggest reason why i am feeling happy. Because I found happiness through imagination. Thats if you can see how it worked for me.Imagination, situations, realisation and happiness. Does that make sense to you? Well it sure does for me.

ANyway, its chinese new year. Haha. And ..yawn...I am tired. Feels much much more like a long weekend to me, tough days ahead. Training schedule is always pack. Want to find time to take leave also cannot. Haiz. Mine mine. What lies ahead in the year to come. Wonder why it suddenly feels like I am losing control in paving my own future.

Xing Dong

2005-02-08T01:30:00.000-08:00

So nice so nice to hear from someone especially when you have been waiting. Past few days, I can't remember the number of times I felt like crying. OUt of guilt, sorrow, regret, sweetness, gratefulness. Out of emotions. I guess i was not wrong when I said the rain brought emotions into my realm.
I have said so much in my past few entries. Words I never thought I would have said. But somehow I did. I felt I almost lost you. I don't wanna ever lose you, have you out of my life. It is through my attempts to exclude you that I realise I couldn't live without you.

~Only when you begin to lose someone, do you realise all the small things the person have done for you~

I remember saying that I will be nice, saying that you are important, saying that I appreciate you. But I never understood that such are feelings. I never felt that. I said.

It is through me harshess and lack of consideration that I truly understood what it means to be nice to you. The feeling of almost losing you exposed your importance to me. Seeing the small instances of how I failed to appreciate you taught me what it means to appreciate you. I don't want it this way. And I don't ever want you to feel that you have lost me. Don't do that for me like you said. You don't have to do anything. Because you are the most beautiful thing I ever had. You showed me what I never saw. Your presence is already all the love that I can ever wish for.

I never asked for anything.

Yet you were my everything.

What more could I possibily ask of you.

I thank you for you, for everything.

Freeze

2005-02-06T04:14:00.000-08:00

Let time freeze. Rotate it 180 degrees and see it the other way around. It refering to life. Think about it. Reflect. How have you been the past 24hrs. The past 365 days. Your lifetime.
Something struck me last night and moved me almost to tears as I dwelled deeper and deeper into it. I am touched. When was the last time I expressed appreciation. If there is a mirror that will reflect the slightest guilt. I will not dare look upon it. No, i have committed no hedious crime. In plain simple english, I see a ME who failed to appreciate.

"I am sorry. The past year, I probably put you through a lot of shit. Landed you in weird situations that probably caused you much sorrow, stress? Who knows. For all this, you never said a word. I wondered if you ever had to endure all this. I know I seldom keep my promise. But for you, this once, I will change."

This words I sent in text a thousand miles. I felt my eye muscles tighten and tears flooding in. Unappreciative? An understatement.Yet another promise? ANother to break. Who am I to deserve your trust once more. I claimed I will be with you always, yet i ran away in cowardice the moment next.

"You took me for granted"

A fools lie.

"I took you for granted"

When was the last time I did something nice? When was the last time I showed appreciation?
Through all this shit I am putting you through, let me ask. Why are you still here for me.Love? Do I deserve such an angel as you are?

~I know you can hear my voice~

Thats why I am touched. Because I feel your love.It feels like nothing. Just like how we love our parents our siblings. Its pure. There is no excitement, no heart pounding moments. Just love so innate you don't feel anything at all. It feels all natural, all normal when you are side by side. But when you lose the person, you feel such grave lost.
This we always mistake for "no feeling", IS the purest form of love people seldom recognise.Because its so subtle it feels like it isn't there.This isn't philosophy. Just a revelation. In crude words, its when i wake up my idea. How could I.

I cared only for how I will feel
You cared for my feelings

It shouldn't be this way.I ain't even talking about sacrifices. It just plain acts of a gentlemen that I fail to find in myself.So what if I do feel hurt in the end. I am already hurting you. What am I? A cursed soul?

In plain words, I call myself a loser in relations.

"...my best friend"
no don't call me that.
Best friends never last.
They never do.
I don't feel I deserve it.

Sometimes, I feel I think far too much. I guess it time I start feeling and stop thinking.Like how things were.Go back in time. When there was much more joy and laughters. Circumstances have changed. But the plain fact that you are still around with such love? It proved that feelings can brave circumstances.

~I wish it would rain for nights on end~

Sunday morning lets us wear our dreams

2005-02-05T15:04:00.000-08:00

Its 0704 sunday morning. Yes, amazed that I am awake when everyone is still midway in their dreams. But me, I fell asleep at around 10 last night. Too tired. And so i woke up, trying to see if it was raining. But there was no rain.

"Am I beginning to regret?"

"Don't"

Just what am I up to? I have no idea at all. Am I such a coward? Maybe. And all the words about "I love myself" is just a pretendence. To glorify my cowardice as strength. I am simply afraid of getting hurt. Possibility vs reality. And in the process, I unknowingly bring rain to a whimper. Now i see myself a weakling. My heart tremoring within my egosphere when it rains. And I chose to hide and stay away. I used to enjoy the rain. It was part of me. I was in touch with it. I needed it as always. My presence add warmth to it. Brought meaning?But because the rain is still just a rain. I read it not. I wispered...

"Importance"

...and heard the same thing in return. And I took it as a echo. Or was it true? Or am i shroud full of cowardice I dare not hear the truth?

I promised I would be there always. Soon as i said it, I ran away in fear.Crying Me Myself and I. Then the rain was soft. It was a drizzle. Was it whimpering? Did I cause it? And the rain said it would stop if it were better for me. And now i am a lost soul. Because I want to know its there. I desire to be with it.To be drenched in its warmness. Yet I fear the cold that is to come. Now i see it... ...

"Am i undeserving of such friendship"

Blackday

2005-02-05T04:02:00.000-08:00

yawn...ain't getting much sleep lately. Had only about 5 hours of sleep per day for the past week. Never really felt this tired before, even when i was a trainee. Being DS for one whole week sure drained the life out of me. Worst still, its one week of tough training for the man, and one hell of a stressful start for the commanders.Yet, despite all the backpain and tired bones, I must say that the past week was extremely meaningful in terms of learning.Just like when the going gets tough, the tough gets going. When the training gets tough and the man gets tired, command and leadership becomes a challenge.
Spent the entire day sleeping. Used to see this as a total waste of time and life, but somehow I just allowed myself to let loose and relax all i can and for all i care....i must admit sleeping only makes one more tired...as i am now. Watched finding neverland and found some meaning in the movie. Maybe I am really tired, thats why i slept through some parts. Well...afterall its a movie for entertainment, nothing much gotten out of it. Unlike the past 2 movies i watch which were...beyond greatness.
And so I thought back about how the week started. Wacking the man on monday afternoon. Being shouted back at. Issuing the man one times great challenged. While they challenged my decision, I gave in an counter challenged their mindset. And guess what? I won. Probably set them in a mood to see that i am a very different kind of commander. Some ego here but thats not the intention.

"I know some of you are unhappy. We will talk about it later. Man to man."

~Silence~

And then there was all the section drills, when the man began to understand what AI is all about. The camo drill, the assualt techniques, the prep for ops. And i saw myself as one of them, not too long ago. Learning the very same thing i am teaching them now. And it makes me wonder. Progress? Something to think about. Going through the same shit they are going through and i mean every single form of shit. I hope they appreciate it and see it as a form of leadership with sensitivity rather then something expected of us.

"Sgt. Why you so garang. I buay gan. Why why sob.."

Haha

So much so much to share. Bits and pieces of my everyday life. Talking about all this small things get people connected with each other in heart. And now i am talking to someone i valued. Whom i once shared my life with. Yet, I am unwilling to open up. Unwilling to talk about my life. Trying to keep the distance. For what purpose? I do not know too. But somehow i don't feel comfortable otherwise. Afraid of disappointment maybe? In a deep sense yes. Its hard to express and even harder to comprehend. Will I regret if this bond breaks someday?

Sunday without much of a Sun

2005-01-30T01:49:00.000-08:00

Spent the entire day at home watching vcd and playing game. Ultimately unhappening. But what to do, I don't feel like going out anyway and also wanna save money so staying home isn't such a bad idea afterall.
Was amazed by how janice didn't give me one tight slap and just ignore me forever. Sometimes when i put myself in her shoes, I think I do deserve one times jialat jialat from her cos i LOOK like i am crazy. But well, I am aware of how i appear through my actions but come on, we are all adults and we know there is nothing to be paiseh about daring to be frank. Afterall, should have known each other well enough. If 'mian zhi' is preventing anyone from showing his or her true self and more impirtantly speaking up, something ought to be wrong in the friendship. Hmm...am i making sense here?
And talking about one times jialat jialat, I think 'rain...(psst got a typo just now and typed 'train haha) haiz. End up staying up talking to her.ok ok. I admit that 'I don't feel like talking to you' is one big blatant lie which is really quite obvious. It all boils down to the same old thing. Xing Suan. Thats why i don't want to. But well, I would really love to have her around. Even though thats a highly self-fish thought. Gosh. And i also know what I am risking. Trying to stay away from someone I don't really want to. There is this ever potent possibility that the person will be gone from my life for good and when that day comes I will regret it. But again....haiz. Beginning to not understand myself again. Think I just need some time to think.
Yes of course. I know this sounds real odd. Why is it that I am always talking about girls? Look at it another way. Why am i always talking about this few friends of mine. Just so happens that they are girls. It doesn't mean much really. Of my circle of close friends. Name reuben guojun `rain janice. Those who always keep me longing for and who occupies me are well the two of them. Why? Because I ain't really connected to them in a sense. Contrary to how Me wong and reuben are forever keeping in tune with each other's life. Everything is clear. There is nothing to think about, nothing to question. But well, `rain is overseas and circumstance (psst...the same old stupid word again) kinda makes things complicated. Think of how in those days, she was just like ben and wong. It's different now. And so is the same for janice. Busy as we are, there isn't much of a communication here. And with that misconceptions arise.Thankfully we see things the same way.
Guess that pretty much explains why i am always talking and thinking about the 2 of them. Wonder why I suddenly speak my mind in my blog? haha. Cos I need to get frank and explain myself to myself as well. Now i know why. Wah good thing my good brothers are around and we are still very much connected.If not, I guess i would be talking about them so much people start to think I am gay. Haha. So now, my dear `rain. You know why I look at you with those "grrg...you sure!" eyes when you say I am Bu....forget it.
Take care my good friends. To all of you, cheers. My gin tonic rocks.heh

SunTime

2005-01-29T08:40:00.000-08:00

Had a great day at sentosa.Island life love it. The sea swipes upon the white sand as the early afternoon sun blisters upon my back. He shouts "Ball" as he serves, and it volleys into our court. I bent low, reached out and dig. Ray sets and mark spikes. Point. Service over. Beach volley, ever enjoyable. The scorching sun, murmuring waves, the 'tud-tud' of balls and the babes striding the beach in their red-hot bikinis add up to an all relaxing afternoon. This is life. Enjoyment after a week of "heart work".
Went out with Wong and ah Ben as usual for a stay-out-late-saturday-night-movie. Caught 'The sea inside' just a few hours back. It such a complete film that dwells so deeply into the debate about euthanasia that there is nothing more to comment after the movie. Quite impressive and touching.
Not really in the mood to blog though. Somehow 'rain~ is online but i simply don't feel like talking to her. Not that I am avoiding her or anything. Rather, its an attempt to use work and piority as a distraction from Kelvin knows what.Don't get the wrong idea `rain, I am not angry with you or anything.
geez. This sucks. Don't feel like blogging anymore.

Dead Boy's Poem

2005-01-28T04:04:00.000-08:00

"If you read this line, remember not the hand that wrote it
Remember only the verse, songmaker`s cry, the one without tears
For I`ve given this its strength and it has become my only strength.
Comforting home, mother`s lap, chance for immortality
Where being wanted became a thrill I never knew
The sweet piano writing down my life"

"Teach me passion for I fear it`s gone
Show me love, hold the lorn
So much more I wanted to give to the ones who love me
I`m sorry Time will tell (this bitter farewell)
I live no more to shame nor me nor you
And you... I wish I didn`t feel for you anymore..."

"A lonely soul... An ocean soul..."

This is probably one of the best weeks i ever had. Ultimately meaningful. The way I want it. Went to Wong's Commisioning parade on Sunday. Sun glares down upon the parade square as the contigents form up in their best form, in their NUMBER 1. Full of pride, they march they sang and they recite as they turned from cadets to officers. Like butterfiles emerging from their cacoon, ready to shoulder new challenges and responsibilities. I salute everyone of you.Sir. Wish i was there, among them but i forsake the chance. Now i honour them. Met many old friends from BMT and school. And above all, i saw janice. Saw, because i turned and walk away. Courage seeps away under my feet pulling me away. Because i am afraid of being looked down upon by her. With such self pity and lack of confidence I scorn myself. But i woke up the next day feeling reborn, feeling all powerful and all egoistic once again. Why, i do not understand. Maybe because I recognise my only strength. My love. Myself. This is me, accept it. And to add on, I thank the way she talked to me real nicely the next day. Like a gentlemen, I thank this fine lady.
Highlight of the evening. Wong and his parents entrusted me to escort his cousin to the gate. Probably because there were no one else, but still, I feel honoured. I felt I was worthy of trust. Never knew she was in NJ as well. Maybe because guojun knew me "too well" before hand. But well, she is a cute girl i would say.And above all, my brother's cousin. But come on, I am of steel.
In a brief moment, I feel my head become clear. I know what I want for now as in day to day. Still my long term inspirations and goals of life are blurred, shaky and stirred. Maybe because i had side tracked for too long a time, for too much fun. Had a great week of peace. I won't say that I am avoiding girls. Rather, I say that I work only for what I want. As before. My way back commenced some time ago, probably when she left, and I am taking small steps at a time, coming back as a better person. I am. This somehow leads me to say that my handphone bill for the previous month is sky high, despite having all day free incoming. 60 bucks for 1300++sms and around 40 bucks for outgoing talktime. I feel real guilty, especially when I don't get a tongue leashing from my father.
Camp life? Great! Getting out of support coy and back to my hawk company, I feel more at home, closer to the man. Been hanging out with them much more. Going beyond the call of duty, I find myself landing in trouble and earning myself one week worth of extra duties as duty spec. Admitedly, this is no punishment at all. You all know me, I enjoy command so much I want to be with my man 24/7 teach them help them guide them F them. A mistake is a mistake, and I take it like a gentleman, like a soldier. Talk about this. Some of the man are indeed respectable. They take up ALL challenges and never shed a tear regardless of whatever sort of pain. Like real MAN. Well, I am refering to the CS smoke chamber.Went in 5 times. 3 times nothing on. Shiok. I will not end my account of camp life before i state how i cannot stand Falcon company. I think F OC has got no professionalism because he cannot differentiate between fighting for his man and cock up Falcon-biased demands. Hawk has got the morale. Today we had a run and the morale was there. We were not running like SAF NSF who have got 2 years to serve. We, the man and the commanders, were running like SOLDIERS. The fighting spirit in their eyes. The spirit of HAWK. Running pass the falcon oc, i felt like raising my middle finger.ops Guess that would really end me in some quite serious trouble.
With this short blog entry, i conclude my week. Sentosa tomorrow and yes to fulfil my ego as a gentlman, I must get a date for V day.

Bookpress

2005-01-22T06:50:00.000-08:00

Remember that in primary school, we use to place a piece of leaf in a book. One of those interesting science homework of ours. And now, i feel like the piece of leaf. Squeezed dry of life and meaning. Incapable of performing my function on this stage called life. When have i degenerate to such a piece of living matter with no substance within.
So here i am, down with the disease called boredom that plagues the mind. Causing it to lose grip of itself. But boredom originates from a lack of interest itself. The same thing may seem boring to one and yet fun to another. And so, whats causing this lack of interest.Meaning? Purpose? Or both.I use to take pride and praise myself for being focused. Always working for a purpose to achieve what i want in order to keep things in place and make life meaningful. But right now, its all different. Yes there is still meaning in my life. These days, meaning spur out of a random and chaotic assortment of incidents and events. Each carrying its own value, contributing to a greater purpose. And i know i am learning. But such means of learning does come with a price.Feelings.

What your heart desires, your mind forbids.
What you decide to achieve often end up as futile attempts
What you try to avoid keeps coming up to you.

Face it. Tear down this colourful backdrop of the stage called life.
Smell the perspiration and feel the tireness.
Drink the blood and feel the pain.
Taste the tears and feel the sorrow.
Feel the wrath and succumb to the fury.
Face it when you near the end.
Burn upon this curse by the name of reality

~I guess i am simply no longer myself~

Life is but a candle that burns till its wick runs dry. And when your hour is up, you die off in but a mere whimper amongst countless others that still burn on. Quiet and forgotten.
Yet.
In this world forged by myself in which i am the only one.
When my flame dies off.
Light is shut out
pure darkness is born
darkness reborns upon the death of an innocent sigma of light.

~AM i still this strong? Or is this just anothe one of my fantasy~

Respectus commandus.

2005-01-21T05:19:00.000-08:00

Been one week since i last bloggd. Somehow, the week seem to fly by. Was actually quite shock to learn that it is already 21 days into the new year.3 weeks back, i spent the day at wong's house. 2 weeks back at shuqi house. Last week, was out with my 2 good brothers. And so here i am again with things to share from the past week.
Prayed for my grandfather on monday and so took leave. Had my first test of X.O. and it rocks. can't imagine that one bottle cost almost $200. Heh Heh. Free drink somemore. Whoa. And then went to town with my 2 cousins to shop on a good monday afternoon. Being in town on weekdays sure feels different. To add on to that, thats the first time i was out with my cousins. Amazing? Maybe.
And on to camp for an expected short week. 3 days haha. Tuesday was almost a totally relax do nothing day except for close combat bugi stick fighting. Got whooped by my friend lost balance an fell twice. Super disgrace, especially infront of my man. And then went to do some OVM check. Was having much difficulty in trying to wake up one of my man's idea. But haiz. It made me wonder:Why work so hard and put in such enthusiasm in army when there is a sardin can full of useless people doing nothing, having a can't be bothered attitude. Command and man alike. And so i pondered. Till no, no conclusion. Whatever. Just do what i like-command and control-With one thing in mind. That is, to earn the respect of my man.
Went outfield early tuesday morning. Very impressed that all my man were obediently punctual that morning. Maybe and hopefully because what i told them inspired them. Not egoistic here. Just being frank about what i hope to achieve.Went out to TVMA and did a real cool battle course. SBC never felt that great before. Maybe because for once, the HMG was firing well. But sadly, there wasn't much available for me to fire. Went on to do some covert ops after that. Was planning to do 3 covert exercises for that night.....psst....planned by me.
Ex Gypsy: Movement from resting area to gedong camp. Objective is to infiltrate the camp.
Ex Jukebox: Play around with the guards on duty, go to every prowler checkpoint and plant a dummy C4 charge. Will get charged if I get caught. But that will be a once in a lifetime experience. Imagine infiltrating a military camp under the cloak of darkness. Guards with live ammunition prowling the area with no idea who you are. Will probably take me as terrorist and start firing at me while alerting the guard room. Realism is a full 100%. Only know of one other unit that does that. The SOF. And come on, with my outfit that day, I could have easily smoked my way through as an SOF member if caught.
Ex Shellshock: Escape and evasion back to rest area.

~Well. Of course I won't be doing that alone. Got a friend to do it with me.~

And so the outcome. Spent an hour doing an additional recee ops in the DAY. Volvo axis was booming with rovers, tonners, Light strikes, lorries, Broncos, Bxs. You name it. There is at least 3 active units going around in that area. For that one hour, we skirted along the axis around the camp trying to find a possible infiltration point for Ex Gypsy. Encountered at least 20 vehicles and 3 guards. None spotted us. Concealment IS exciting. And so we found an plan a route of entrace plus backup plan. Ready for the night.

And then went to ATC training shed where we saw some infantry lookalike kids who looked damn inexperienced doing tactical movement. So 4 of us gathered and did movement in the opposite direction. In an attempt to stun them with our all so pro 4 3sgt group movement, we end up taking cover just beside the road. Vegetation was tall but sparse. Rather open but only a few managed to spot us.Camoflage IS exciting.`Repeat. Turn out they are guards and they were quite impressed. We did nothing though.

And on to thursday. Earn the respect of my friend's driver. He used to show attitude and turn a white eye to me when i F him. Guess what happened. It came to a point in which he automatically did stuff for me and shock me. What really touch my heart for the first time as a sgt is when he brought me lunch personally. His VC-my friend- was quite @##$@$%^@ for a moment. Haha. Earn his respect? I hope so. F coy commanders pissed me off.
1.Tried ordering me around when he is of the same rank. Rich? So what. This is the army.
2. Shouted at me, ask my man to do their sai gang. Balls to you.
3. Cock PS Scolded us like we were man while he was lying down. Infront of all the man.
Some kind of commander.Spit.

Went back to camp and fought hard to fight for the man to book out early. Some complained because a few booked out earlier. And i personally gave them a piece of my mind about integrity. They all fell silent. Couldn't be bothered to book out anyway. So the few of us stayed back and book out only this morning.

Went to orchard to watch Alfie which is an inspiring movie. Orchard itself was a show. A feast for the eyes. Yet, civilian life isn't all that good. It lacked the momentum of life. Simply made me face the reality of missing someone. Haiz....Don't want to always talk about her when I blog. But somehow, she is always on my mind. Made a decision. Though i recognise the fact that someday we will drift apart and become friends IN NAME. I just wanna standby her all the way. When the time comes and I become something extra and worthy of discard. Let it be. At least till that day, I know and she knows that i will be with her at every single moment.Not trying to be wei da. It simply makes me feel at peace with myself. Because thats something that i want to do. For her. For myself. For friendship. For love.

~Such a power statement should mark the ending of this entry~

23:48

2005-01-16T07:48:00.000-08:00

Grrg, this is definitely not the way that I should be. Its 2348, and I am online for no constructive purpose. Just waiting. Waiting for someone to pop by so i can say HI how are you doing? And then smoke out again. I think its due time i start being a guy and stop dwelling in self pity sighing every 37.5 secs like a gayshit who has no control over his own feelings. Come on. Kelvin. Stop being a wussy!!!!!

clock ticks away

2005-01-16T03:14:00.000-08:00

Life seeps away. Unstoppable. We are all clocks ticking away, bounded by a dark ending.Spent one day of my life playing game and watching TV. Didn't go out at all. But well, at least the day started off well. One ABG plus arty and air support took out 3 enemy base with minimal losses. Victory in an unreal world.Cheers.Enough of gaming. Its time to wake up.
Haiz...why am i feeling all so lonely again. Hate the feeling of missing someone.Tried contacting my dear friend yesterday and today but no replies. Ok fair. I didn't reply for almost 3 days. Its the unswayed firmess of Kelvin that makes me all great. Missing someone is normal. Soon, i will get over it. Soon. Hope you are enjoying life over there. Wish I was the one there with you instead. Circumstances. Something i haven't been able to manipulate.
Here i apologise to you yuwen.(Ben you know what to do) Well, i am tempted really tempted by what has been offered. But, as Wong puts it, doing so is immature, self-fish, insensible, unreasonable and a waste of time. I rationalised things, hoping to find a reason to justify my act, give myself an excuse to be with you but. No. End up, you will probably get hurt.Simple I am not into getting people hurt. psst. I thought kelvin believes only in his benefit.

Arg, broke my own rule, started to give a damn.

Well, maybe I didn't. Maybe I have other reasons not to commit. Wong should know. I believe i just figured myself out. Good to have Wong around. A mirror to speak my mind.

Where's the strength?

2005-01-15T07:18:00.000-08:00

Good day. Went out with wong and ben to bugis then to orchard. Finally fulfilled my wish of getting a new wallet and a new shirt. Yeah!! Gotta save it for CNY. Met a number of my man and some friends too. Among them, an ever good looking sec school friends of mine. Makes me wonder why people-guys and girls alike tend to look better after JC. Spent the entire bus ride talking about friends who have drifted away from my life. And this is the reality of life which i have been talking about.Reality as reality itself.
Watch a very very good show. A ton image. This is not an attempt to boost my ego but i believe people who know me wong and ben well should know that we are the type who would laugh at cliche attempts to bring across horror and gore in movies. This show is a psychological horror movie. And it left the three of us disturbed,shaken and probably scared. Trust me, this is not for the faint of heart. Neither is it for the mediocre. Throughtout the movie, we just kept thinking and trying to figure out the suspense and significance of subtle elements of the movie. And just when you got things cleared, a twist pops by. The ending never crossed our mind. So if you are the type who will pay much thought to movies and appreciate them as artistic pieces of literature, this movie is for you. It isn't all thought provoking but you gotta think to understand and appreciate it. With that, you will see why even the 3 of us felt really disturbed.
And Guojun woke me up. Yes. I shouldn't engage in what I do not believe in. What i am trying to do is to bridge a gap. Someone to fill a gap, someone to keep me company. Yes Wong is right out of convinience, i am doing this.But mark me, it is not true that i do not have to strength to stand up and fight for myself... In my point of view, i am stronger than you. Your rationale isn't all correct.Why i agreed, because I wanted someone as well. And so after i agreed to it, I don't feel comfortable. I didn't understand my wants. And now i disagree with my actions. And i stand up against it. In all my strength, I do not need someone to fill in the Gap for me to go on. I can cross it ON MY OWN.Yes i know i miss her though.But i can live on. Thats what makes me KTG. HAHA. Guojun, don't underestimate me. I thank you though for initiating me.
And something else that really spoilt my day. I don't understand how a mother can scream at her daughter out of sheer self interest. Don't wish to dwell into the details. BUt trust me she is sick. The day she dies will have me spit upon her grave and say, "In all due respect, I despise you." And now she is here complaining. With tears. I despise her to the extend that not even her blood will move me. And for that, I despise my origin as well. I am sorry for myself because I have half of what makes her.Sick.Psst.

Ops Elastika

2005-01-14T08:42:00.000-08:00

Come on stretch me. This week hasn't really been that great.Why? Search me... The guys in camp are getting slightly out of hand these days. Hard to control them, but luckily as the week proceed on and crisis surfaced, they somehow managed to get motivated and work together. Marc Yoong is truly inspiration. Never seen a commander like him. I idolised him since day one. And now, he is fighting for us. I quote him "Tomorrow we gonna fight a war. We only have 2 hrs. We up one more vehicle and we go fight with the BWO for the weekend." Simple words that sends surge of energy and motivation down every single on's spine, giving us a reason to push ourselves to the limits.
And so we fought. And in a few hours, we up 2 more vehicles and had 5 vehicles in our company ready to move out. -prelude: Monday, Camoflage Vehicle lessons...Vehciles all prepared and ready to move out. And yet the BWO denied us the right to move out, giving us another set of vehicles. Those vehicles he gave were down. Come on. Rank blinds one of his senses?My vehicle is all good and i can't move out. Conclusion. He is the worst officer i ever seen.BWO.-
I have been rather distracted, distracted by the fact that someone so dear to me has left. I knew i would be sad and so i asked for time to stay away and cool off. And i did. Thats why i dis not reply. Not because i wanted to ignore. Hope you understand. And hearing from you this afternoon does makes me feel sad. Like there was something rubbing down on my naked heart. And yes, i believe in being vocal. So i will tell you the other part of the reason. Other than protecting myself from saddness, this period of time without me around should prove better for you to discover what you really want. To admit, i believe you can find happiness more easily without my intereference. But of cos, being omni present -heehee- i will be around when you need me. SO lets just give me, and say...let me give you some time and space. Both will be happy. COme to realise, it all boils down to the fact that i love myself much more than anythign else....hmm....finally me again.
And yesterday had Wen asked of me. SOmething i do not believe in. What risk am i taking. Engaging on something based upon a philosophy that i do not believe.Believe. Believe. How important is that really?
Oh ya and there was the single most happening event i had for a long time. The company BBQ. Real cool. To see the man come up with their respective stunts. Throwing every single one of us into the air. Haha. Never seen them that happy before. And i was happy too. Cos it allowed me as a VC to bridge my gap with the section. Drank a little, and witness marc wong drunk. haha. Interesting. COme on. Who said army life sucks. I beg to differ. Having been a soldier for exactly one year, i found army amazing..

Ops Desert Eagle

2005-01-09T03:48:00.000-08:00

Waho, what a great day. Woke up early in the morning to play game then watched some vcds that i just bought. Theb went for lanning session with friends. Cool. Really enjoyed myself. Totally immersed in nothing but pure fun. What can be better. Didn't get to go out with Ben and Wong together this week but, aiya, brother brother. Getting pay tomorrow. Can finally but the stuff that i have been dying to get.
Yup gotta go book in in 20 mins or something. Today duty spec no choic. And talking abt this, i guess i simply enjoy talking about Respectus Commandus with Wong. Somehow he thought i am a not bad commander. Haha ego boost indeed. But i rather say that i am doing what I think is right. And i realised that Wong's house have half a shelf of military related books. I think he should just go sign on. Wonder whats up ahead in the coming week.For me, Uncertainty means the days ahead are for me to forge and dictate. Yeah!

=The desert eagle soars alone, having a clear view of the world. He alone knows what he is looking for and zooms in upon what he wants.He is sharp, swift and decisive=

Hm....Write again.

2005-01-08T09:01:00.000-08:00

Some evaluation: I think my blog is a little too personal. But come on who cares. It a personal thing.What you think doesn't really matter. Its not within my circle of concern. Haha Haven't said that in Kelvin knows how long. Wah damn high now. Today was a humble and heartfelt day.Which had a touchy and feel great ending. A day i will remember for life. How come guojun's english seems much cooler than mine. SHould brush up and start writing power statements.

~what i do matters more than what you think~

FreeHeart

2005-01-08T05:52:00.000-08:00

Right now, i am feeling like a freeman. As if something has been lifted from my heart and i am no longer tied down by feelings and emotions and longing for.I feel like the old Kelvin again.Like how no one can affect my emotions again.
I have never been so frank with anyone before.Was sitting there watching TV with you. But like old times, i don't speak well and so this special way of talking with you.I meant every single word i said. And this is something i won't regret. Come on, its human nature to love and yearn to be loved. But its the power of Kelvin to believe in rational acts over emotions.Like i told you, i dream of having a future with you but i do not want to be bound by the harshness of present circumstances. Thats why i won't jio you. I want to be with you but not now. IN the future, maybe?I won't stay single and wait. Haha come on thats not me.Because knowing you, the next time you come back, you will be attached already-too easily swayed. Trust me. For the third time. What i say always comes true.What i want seems unrealistic but its rational. Think about it.And. At the same time, you know full well that i will welcome you into a romantic realm in my life at anytime. Why do i dare to say that? Because you of all people know that we together will make a great couple. Because lasting romance is always based upon strong friendship. Think about that as well.
But really something i want to say and i hope you understand. First impression of gerard and already i don't really like him.Think from a guy's perspective for once. Considering our strong bond and the amount we have gone through. And considering what i think about him.I really won't feel good knowing that you actually fell for him. Hmm... Like i guessed, spending time alone in a foreign land with a guy works magic. Just like newly weds. Sweet, wonderful and no responsibilities.Well its your choice in the the path of life and i being myself will not intervene. As you know me, I don't like to poke into other peoples business.
Soon, it will be back to the days of not having shuqi around.Well, guojun just helped me explain why i suddenly feel so free again. Because there will be no more emotional strains on me. No more thinking of scenarios.Whao, i feel damn powerful now. Feeling all great even though i know that someone i love is happily spending everyday with her lover which i do not like. Arrh yes...the feeling of being me again.Yup, thats 2 other reasons why i won't be waiting.
As such i reveal and untold new year resolution i set on 010104 when i was at the beach with you. To get in touch with my emotions. And so i did, enjoyed the happiness of longing for, the sadness of disappointment, the anger of jealousy. And now i am back to myself. With me, the lessons i have learnt and the true emotional control that i yearn to achieve. I thank you my dearest friend(don't mind i continue to call you my dear cos you have always been).
Let me stay alone this 2 days because i will be sad when you leave. And nope i will never abandon you and i will always be there for you as it has always been. Remember what i told you and trust me. Well but should you end up like another weisong, haha, i won't be like reuben. Because i have told told you thats its foolish to act that way. Such will only show that you either can't trust or can't learn. Hmm, thats what makes Kelvin stand out from the crowd.
Ok, goodbye again and take care. Remember my last 3 spoken words to you.

~Welcome back Kelvin~Enjoy the feast but beware the beast~

Wong just told me about how happy he is as commisioning nears. And i can feel his joy. Come on dude, stop saying that i am a good sgt. Makes me proud. And you will be a good officer.